Hey church, it is so good to see you. I hope all the school kids had a great spring break and are ready to go back to school. If you're new here, my name is Ricky and I'm one of the pastors here at the church. I just want to welcome you to Cross of Grace and just say, man, if it's your first time or maybe second or third time and you're just checking out the church or maybe wanting to learn more about what it means to follow Jesus, we're so grateful that you're here. This is a safe place to learn to do that and to read the Bible for yourself.
And so speaking of the Bible, I want to invite you to open your Bibles to Ephesians chapter 5. Ephesians chapter 5, as we just in our pattern walk passage by passage through books of the Bible. That's our normal preaching pattern, and we do so, so that we allow the Lord to set the agenda with his word for what we study. And sometimes it seems maybe not at first relevant, sometimes it seems very relevant, sometimes it seems controversial, but that is our pattern, that the Lord might lead his church through his word not us and imposing our good ideas on the flock. So with that, we're going to continue our study in Ephesians chapter 5.
And let me just say as well, add my voice to Alec and say I'm so excited for McKelligan Canyon this year. If you remember last year, we thought we got a big enough room at the Marriott, and spoiler alert, we did not get a big enough room at the Marriott. So we wanted a place where we'd have plenty of room And so McKelligon Canyon provides that. But also, we also know El Paso is a city of people who used to go to church at some point. Most people were— maybe had to go to mass or church and maybe have not been in a number of years. Easter is the perfect time. And so even if you've got somebody who maybe doesn't believe in Christianity or know much about the Bible, I bet you anything they'd be receptive to an invitation to come join us and sing in the canyon on Easter morning. And it's going to be beautiful. So you'll be able to get more information on that on our website. We've got Flyers on the back, please take one of those, put it up at your office, put it up in the break room if you're allowed, put it up on your favorite coffee shop wall if they'll let you. And, uh, let's fill up McElhinney Canyon for Easter as we sing about Jesus.
All right, you should be at Ephesians chapter 5. We're going to be getting— we're going to be focusing on verses 22 to 24 today, but I want you to get the context Paul teaches that in. And so we're going to begin in verse 18, and as we read, let's remember this This is God's Word. "And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another." out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that He might present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes it and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church. Because we are members of his body. Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself. And let the wife see that she respects her husband. This is the Word of the Lord.
And Father, I pray as we open up your Word that you would give us ears to hear and eyes to see. And I pray, Lord, that we would be rooted and grounded in what you teach about marriage, that the everyday stuff of life might be transformed with eternal significance. In the name of Jesus, amen.
Well, uh, I was recently reading an article from Dr. Rebecca McLaughlin, who holds a PhD from Cambridge. She's now an author and essayist, and she talks about encountering, after becoming a Christian, encountering Ephesians 5:22 as an undergraduate, and her honest reaction to the verse, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord."
6 · The pastor presents McLaughlin's initial visceral rejection of Ephesians 5:22 as promoting female subjugation, acknowledging that many in the congregation may share her reaction, while hinting that her story ends with embracing the text
Her reaction, I wonder if you can guess what it is, her reaction is, quote, "You've got to be kidding me." "Unquote. And here's why," she goes on to say. "I knew women are just as competent as men, often more so." She didn't have to add that last part, but often, yes, true, more so. "If there is wisdom in asymmetrical decision-making in marriage," meaning one making a different— leading in the decision, "I thought surely it should depend on who was more competent in that area." Sometimes the husband, sometimes the wife. This horrifying verse was seeming to promote the subjugation of women, she thought. Jesus had elevated women to an equal status with men, but Paul, it seemed to me, had pushed them back down. And I worried this verse would ruin my witness. This is her honest take in encountering this, and something perhaps that's your honest take as you encounter this today. But surprisingly, she shares this story in— we'll share a bit more of her story in a second— but she shares this in the context of actually coming to understand and not just accept but embrace this verse in her own marriage.
7 · The pastor poses the central question that will drive the sermon—how can a sophisticated thinker come to embrace rather than reject Ephesians 5:22
So how can that be? How can a smart, educated, sophisticated thinker possibly come to Ephesians 5:22 and go, yeah, I get it.
8 · The pastor states the sermon's controlling thesis—that Christian marriage appears culturally upside down but is actually right side up when understood as a picture of Christ and the church—and signals the first major section
Well, here's the main idea today: Christian marriage, upside down to the world, is right side up to the picture of Christ and the church. We're going to see that Christian marriage is upside down to the world, but it is right side up when we look at the picture of Christ and the church. So, first section today, an upside-down kingdom.
9 · The pastor argues that we must approach Ephesians 5 with Scripture's framework rather than culture or personal experience, since the Bible is God-breathed revelation from the Designer who alone knows the uncorrupted design of marriage, illustrating the danger of ignoring the instruction manual with a nuclear reactor analogy
Now, before we jump into examining the specific call to wives in Ephesians 5, I want to back up and take in the context of Scripture here. And I want to remind us that, first of all, we have to come to our Bibles and have to come to Ephesians 5 and have to come to marriage with the framework of not our culture but Scripture as we read these verses. The Bible, as we've talked about often, is an equal opportunity offender. It just offends every culture just for different reasons. And In the first century, for example, the Bible offended the culture with such a high view of women. It was such a high view that people were actually slightly offended at it. Jesus was close friends with many women. He valued them. He spoke to them. He loved them as sisters. And, for example, the view of women in marriage that we're going to talk about next week was very controversial within the Roman culture. Or, for example, in terms of sexual ethics, the New Testament spoke strongly against casual adultery in places like temple prostitution, as we saw in Ephesians 4. Um, so women were just supposed to be okay with their wives going and visiting temple prostitutes, and first century Paul comes in and says no. The Bible comes in and says no. So what does that mean? It means this: that in our own age as well We must put aside our cultural framework and allow the text to shape our view of marriage rather than allowing our existing view of culture— cultural view of marriage to shape the text. Second thing, we must remember that we all come to verses like this and passages like this and marriage itself with the framework of our own experience. Maybe you think of your parents' marriage, whether that was— I was speaking to a couple this morning, one of them, their view of marriage coming in, the man had wonderful parents. And so he was like, "Great, this is wonderful." And the woman coming in had terrible parents' example in her marriage. And so she came in thinking, "This is going to be terrible, but I guess I love him, so let's give it a shot, I guess." As you could tell, there were fireworks their first year. We all come in with things like that. Or perhaps your own marriage or your own experiences shape the way you think about marriage and the way that you want to interpret Ephesians 5. Again and again, Scripture often, and Jesus especially, often takes our default view from culture or experience and says, "You're looking at things upside down." So, well, if that's true, how do we see things right side up? How do we know which way is up in the midst of all the various views in the world today? Well, 2 Timothy 3:16 breathes startling clarity. Into our lives. 3:16 says this, 2 Timothy 3:16, "All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete and equipped for every good work." The way we know which way is up is, well, by God speaking to us through His Word. If we believe that the Bible is the one— Bible reveals and is the revelation of the One who made us, who sees our design, who loves us, who wants our good, and who understands— He's the only one that perfectly understands the design of creation uncorrupted and unfiltered. If that is true, then in His Word we find which way is up. Trying to figure out marriage, for example, without consulting the designer of marriage is Something like trying to run a complex nuclear reactor without ever consulting the instruction manual. Occasionally you'll get some stuff right. You'll realize, man, if it gets hot, that's probably a bad sign, right? Like, you'll get some basic observations going, but you'll miss large parts of the design. And more often than not, the whole thing melts down and everyone's radioactive. So we don't want that. We want to consult the instruction manual.
10 · The pastor establishes the creation, fall, and redemption framework for understanding marriage, explaining that God created marriage with Adam receiving a charge to cultivate and protect creation and Eve made as a helper to bring strength to that task
So what does that word tell us about relationships and marriage? Well, it places passages like Ephesians 5 into the context of the creation kingdom, the kingdom of God. And we see 3 things in Scripture: the kingdom was created good, it was corrupted by sin, and is being progressively redeemed. First, it was created good. In the beginning, God created marriage. Humanity didn't create marriage, and two people create marriage. I've heard all kinds of theories about how marriage was created, um, through social, cultural, uh, sociological forces, things like that. No, the Bible says God created marriage glorious and good. God gives Adam the charge to cultivate and protect creation and then shows Adam that he desperately needs a helper. And, uh, one of the crueler exercises of Scripture is Adam naming all the animals and noticing that there are two of almost everything except for him. And then the Lord going, "You see anything missing, buddy?" He's just like, "Real, real—" He's like, "I think I need someone." The Bible's like— I mean, God's like, "Yes, great, exactly." And he makes a helper fit for him. This helper meant to help him in the charge that God has given him to cultivate and protect, and humanity meant to rule, in a sense, over creation.
11 · The pastor traces how sin in Genesis 3 corrupted marriage by showing Adam failing to protect Eve from the serpent and Eve making decisions independently, resulting in mutual blame and the curse that Eve's desire would be against her husband—turning the good kingdom upside down
Now, that lasts for 2 chapters of the Bible. Where in chapter 3, sin breaks relationships between, not just between man and God, but between husband and wife. In fact, when Eve is tempted, the first crack perhaps you see is that Adam, Scripture says in Genesis 3, Adam is with her while she's being tempted by the serpent. So, maybe your picture is Adam's over here just like frolicking in the forest and Eve is over here just, you know, talking to the serpent. No, no, no, it wasn't like that at all. Adam is just there. He's just chilling while his wife talks to a deadly, evil serpent. Now, what does that not sound like? Well, it sounds like he's not doing his job, which is to cultivate and protect. So anytime you see a satanic talking snake, as a husband, it's your job to kill it, right? That feels like it's real basic here. But he's just like, "I don't know, let's see what happens." You know, maybe he's waiting to see if Eve dies immediately. He's just like, "Yeah, go ahead, let's see what happens, you know? Oh, she didn't die, great, I'll have some too." Like, that seems like what's going on here. Or Eve, right, she was meant to be a helper to Adam in this charge. God had given this original charge to Adam, but she doesn't go to Adam next to her and go, "Hey, what do you think?" Or even, "What did God say about this?" Or, "What's your understanding about the guidelines we have in the garden?" She just goes for it. She just makes a call. And so in that beginning, you see their relationship's beginning to break. And then part of the curse that— well, right after that, you see God comes looking for them. He says, Adam, what happened? I told you to cultivate and protect the garden. And he goes, it was her. You gave me to her. So really, this is your fault, right? This is— all of a sudden, he's singing a song to his wife in chapter 2. Chapter 3, he's like, it's her. It's her fault. I don't know what happened. It was as crazy to me as it is to you, God. And God's like, "What happened to your charge to protect?" "Oh yeah, there was that." So that's what you see. And then part of the curse then, God kind of diagnoses because of sin now, Eve, her desire will be against her husband. Her desire will be twisted by sin to fight and oppose her husband in all things. And so you see the evil that is wrought by sin. The good kingdom of God is turned upside down.
12 · The pastor shows how Ephesians traces the progressive redemption begun with restoring our relationship to God, then extending to other relationships including marriage, and identifies Ephesians 5:1-2 as the headline—we are beloved children called to walk in love as Christ loved us through sacrifice
But the, the Bible thankfully doesn't leave us there. Through Ephesians, God's grace shines out. And what we see in Ephesians is this progressive turning back right side up of our lives through the grace of God. The first relationship to be set right is our relationship with God himself, right? You were dead in your transgressions and sins, but you were made alive in Christ through the work of Christ. And you who are far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. So this Relationship with God that was upside down has been turned right through the blood of Jesus, which we're going to celebrate in just a few moments as we take communion. But from there, we see how the gospel then progressively turns other relationships right. We see this animosity, this racial animosity between Jew and Gentile opposed to one another, turned right side up to love one another in Christ. And it just keeps going from there in area after area. So what's the application? The application is this: when we come to the Bible, we must come ready to have our lives turned upside down to the culture around us, but turned right side up to the way God intended things to be. The Christian life is a progressive turning upside down of your life. So if you're thinking, man, maybe coming to Jesus is I have my life the way I want to live it and I just want God to help me do that— now that, that ain't it, man. It's your life getting progressively turned upside down and right side up by Jesus. Second, what then does the upside-down life look like? Well, Paul gives us the headline over the whole section on, on sexual ethics and marriage and relationships in Ephesians 5:1-2. Look at that with me. Ephesians 5:1-2. Therefore, he says, be imitators of God as beloved children. As children and walk in love as Christ loved us. And then an illustration: gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
13 · The pastor argues that Christians approach relationships not from a posture of desperately seeking love to complete them, but from the security of already being beloved children of God
So the first way our lives are turned right side up or upside down, depending on which way you look at it, is that we don't pursue relationships or sex or marriage from the position of I'm absent love and I need to get out there and find love. I need to find someone who will love me and accept me and fulfill me and complete me. No, the starting point is that we are beloved children. So then when it comes to marriage and relationships and sex, we don't come desperately seeking something. We come secure in something. We come beloved children. By God.
14 · The pastor directly addresses singles, assuring them that Ephesians 5 applies to their lives as well—they are beloved by God and no romantic relationship can make them more complete than their relationship with God already does
And let me just take a moment for a second here because maybe if you're single it's weird to listen to a message on marriage and you're just thinking, "Oh, that'd be nice. I'd love to have those problems." Here's what I want you to remember: Ephesians 5 is the banner over your life as well. You are beloved by God and no boyfriend or girlfriend or marriage is going to make you more complete as a human being. Than having a restored relationship with God, the one who made you and loves you. So be secure in that. And as you think about relationships, you pursue relationships from that standpoint of I'm beloved, right?
15 · The pastor unpacks submission, arguing that submit means placed under but not less valuable, that Scripture transforms rather than abolishes differences in position, that all Christians must submit to God, and that Jesus himself modeled submission by laying down his life—with authority always meant for service, not domination
Well, then what are we called to after that? Well, then we're called to walk in love. And the illustration of walking in love is Christ walking in love and giving himself up for us. So what that means is for the Christian, when it comes to marriage and relationships and sex, we come to it not asking, "How can this person serve me?" Or, "Hey, what are they supposed to be doing?" Or, "What am I getting out of this?" Or, "Do I like this? Does this feel fulfilling? Do I feel loved in this moment right now?" No. We start loved by God and then we ask, "How can I love others as Christ has loved me?" That is what we expect when we come to any relationship. So that's just your starting point, whether you're single, married, husband, or wife. Your starting point is you're expecting to start grounded in the love of God and then desiring to love them, whether it's a single or husband or wife. But that love will be in the pattern of Jesus. It will be a call to service, a call to humility, and a call to selfless sacrifice, just applied differently in different spheres and areas. Third, an upside-down call. So, what then is the call to wives? Well, verse 22 is actually an extension of verse 21, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. So, Paul is cluing us in that what he's gonna do now is talk about a number of relationships, where there is some degree of submission from one to another. And the first, he says, is wives to your own husbands as to the Lord. The word, the verb submit is actually from 21 carried over. And so you may be asking, okay, well, what does that mean? You're going to explain, Ricky, why submit doesn't mean submit, right? It doesn't. I mean, such a harsh word. I don't know what comes to your mind when I think of submit or submission. I think of like WWF wrestling, right? Where you get somebody in a headlock, you're like, "Yeah!" You know, you got Hulk Hogan, that's, you know, okay. Remember, cultural framework, put Hulk Hogan aside. What does the Bible mean? Now, here's what I want to say really clearly. Anytime, if you're listening to preaching, somebody begins to explain a verse, and then by the time they're done explaining it, they're telling you it means the opposite of what it says, do not listen to them. Because scriptural explanation should fill out our understanding, it shouldn't turn it on its head. So what does submit mean? Well, submit literally means when something is placed under another thing. So imagine kind of an umbrella of something and something placed under that umbrella. Now, as soon as we begin to use that kind of language, we have a problem, especially as Americans, because we as Americans and we as 21st century people do not like any difference in position or authority or influence or responsibility. Our age sees any difference in those things as negative, especially Americans. We're the people who— the country started throwing tea into the Boston Harbor because we didn't want to get taxed, right? And doubly, I know I'm like preaching uphill right now, not only are you Americans, you're Texans, which is even worse. People are going on, remember the Alamo. Like, I don't think you were there, bro, but you're like, yeah, right? So Americans delight in authority only so they have something to rebel against. That's the default American perspective. And in our age, that leads to this kind of solution. The one solution we have for any difference of position is tear it down, make everybody flat. Nobody should be anything. Any different in position or authority or influence. But that's not what we actually see in Scripture. Rather, we see in Scripture that differences in position and responsibility are not abolished in Christ, but rather transformed in Christ. Or perhaps another way to say it is restored in Christ. Restored, going back to Genesis 1 and 2. Remember, the most fundamental thing about Genesis 1 and 2 is not what it says about marriage, but rather what it says about God's rulership of creation. That when all things were very good, they were very good because creation was under the Lord's just and good rule. And then God creates Adam and Eve and gives them a charge to rule creation, to cultivate and defend and to bring strength to that task. So Eve is given to Adam and brought into that mandate. So the kingdom of God is not a kingdom of no difference in responsibility or position, but rather differing positions used rightly for the good of all. The kingdom, remember, breaks when Adam fails in his charge to use his position and responsibility to protect Eve and protect the garden, and that creation shatters. And then Eve fails in her charge to help Adam And then creation shattered. And as a result, in our sinful hearts, we then resist, just like we resist the Lord. Fundamentally, all resistance against authority in an ungodly way is a resistance against God. We don't want to be under the Lord's rulership, even though that is what we were made for and where we flourish. So, the very definition of what it means to be a Christian then means to be submitted to God. We receive Christ as Savior and as Lord, meaning this: God becomes our King, God becomes our ruler, and we place ourselves under God's good and gracious and just position and authority. Under the umbrella of his rule, we flourish. Now, many people today are happy to accept Jesus as Savior but not as Lord. And there are many churches that are basically like, yeah, you can accept Jesus as Savior, but you don't have to live every one of the areas of your life under his rule. And what we see in Scripture is that you can't separate those from one another. To be saved by God means to be saved out of the kingdom of darkness into the kingdom of light. And whose kingdom is that? It is Jesus' kingdom. Rebecca McLaughlin is helpful here. Before I get to that, Let me just sum this up. James 4:7, summary verse, says this: "Submit yourselves, therefore, to God." So maybe if you're not a wife, you're thinking like, "Whew, I'm glad I don't have to submit to anybody. Yeah, sure, go ahead and tell the wives what to do." Nope. Singles, husbands, everyone here present, submit yourselves, therefore, to God. That's what it means to be a Christian. Rebecca McLaughlin then comments on this. If the gospel is true, none of us comes to the table with rights. The only way in is flat on your face. If I want to hold on to my fundamental right to self-determination, I must reject the message of Jesus because he calls me to submit completely to him, to deny myself and take up my cross and follow him. And by the way, here is the beauty of submission: that the very one that we submit ourselves to is the very one who submitted himself to the cross for us. That he, the one who has all position and all authority, right, who could order anyone to do anything he wants them to do, chooses to use his authority and position and responsibility to lay his life down. And that is even reflected from the beginning of creation in the command to Adam, right? The command to Adam is not, "Adam, I've made this garden for you. Enjoy it. Kick back. You know, get everything you can out of this garden and, you know, just do whatever you want." No, his responsibility is actually a responsibility to give of himself to cultivate the garden and to protect it. See, in Scripture, responsibility and position are always used in service of others. And that's exactly what we see in the creation paradigm.
16 · The pastor argues that God instituted various spheres of authority—government and church—not as unlimited authority but as structures that restrain evil and promote good, giving a glimpse of God's care in a fallen world
Now, then we see from there, God institutes positions and spheres of authority. Despite it being an imperfect and broken world, God— some of the creation order, in a sense, remains. For example, we read that God sets in place governing authority in Romans 13:1. 1, let every person be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except from God. So God, we read, puts that into place that he would restrain evil and promote good, meaning this: you cannot go on a string of bank robberies without being hunted down by Romans 13, right? That, that, and, and in that way, God sets in place an authority that restrains something. Not all, government can still do evil as well, but they restrain something of the evil that could take place without it. In addition to that, Hebrews 13 says we are to submit to church authority. So, obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls. And again, that is not an unlimited authority by the government or by church leadership. Rather, those things are meant to, at their best, give a glimpse of God's good care for creation, even in a fallen world, by restraining evil and promoting good.
17 · The pastor illustrates how authority functions under Christ by recounting Tom Wilkins humbly correcting his own sermon after congregation members challenged him from Scripture, then points to Jesus himself submitting to his earthly parents despite being the incarnate Son of God
One of the best illustrations I've seen of this was from this pulpit when a number of years ago, Tom Wilkins, one of our former pastors, he preached a message. And then I've never seen another pastor do this. He preached a message and then the next week he apologized and corrected it because after he taught the message, he realized, okay, some people came forward to him and said, you know, said, "Tom, I don't know if that's what we see in Scripture here." And it's related to having children. So they were gracious to say, "Hey, I think this is what Scripture would say, brother." And another person came and said, "Yeah, I think, brother, this is what Scripture would say." And here is the reality: governing authority, church authority, all authority is authority under the authority of Christ. And so because in that moment Tom was not an absolute authority, just, "Hey, I can do whatever I want." He was there to serve the church, and under the authority of Christ, that authority corrected his authority. So the next week he came in, and in a beautiful act of humility, just said, hey guys, I was wrong. Here's, I think, a more faithful understanding of the text. So that is the way authority is meant to function. Now, here is the real kicker for me. You might think, well, I don't know. I still don't know if I like that. OK, look to the example of Jesus. Because you might think, well, Jesus, well, he's the one in charge. Of course he's telling people to submit to authority. No. Look at Jesus, Luke 2:51, that passage where he goes to the temple and he's showing up all of the fancy teachers of the law and he knows more than them. And his parents are freaked out because he wanders off and they come get him and said, you have to come home now. Right. And this, this kid, even as a kid, is the incarnate Son of God. He knows more than all the teachers of Israel. And he's about— he's getting commands from a Jewish carpenter. And his wife. But it says that Jesus submitted to them and went home with them, meaning this: that Jesus himself lived under the, the kind of the kingdom, the kingdom of creation order, as an expression of his perfect righteous nature. So what this means is this: every Christian is a person under authority, under God's authority and under various other authorities and positions and, and responsibilities. And every Christian in different areas of their life must submit to those who have a position or responsibility. And those things are— can have gradations and more than we can explain there. But my, my point is this, that those commands can't be taken in isolation from the rest of Scripture.
18 · The pastor signals the turn from general principles about submission and authority to the specific application to wives in Ephesians 5:22
So then let's proceed. What does it mean then when it says, "Wives, submit to your own husbands"?
19 · The pastor clarifies five things wives' submission does NOT mean—not all women to all men, not to unbiblical commands, not enduring abuse, not refusing to confront sin or involve authorities, and not agreeing to unwanted sexual acts since the husband's body belongs to the wife
Now, perhaps it would be helpful to briefly define what this does not mean, given the misconceptions about this that float around in the Christian world. First, it does not mean that all women are to submit generally to all men in every sphere, right? This is speaking of wives to their husbands. This is a dynamic within their relationship. So, not all women submitting to all men. Second, it does not mean that the wife is to submit to anything unbiblical or foolish or evil because that would violate her being ultimately submitted to Christ. Third, it does not mean that a wife must simply endure physical abuse or other abuse. Next, it does not mean that the wife cannot confront a husband in sin or bring in other biblical authorities such as the state or the church or anything else, any other appropriate authority. And last, it does not mean that women must simply agree to any sexual or physical acts the husband desires. Actually, 1 Corinthians says that the husband's body belongs to the wife and the wife's to the husband. And so if the wife doesn't want the husband to do something with his body, she can tell him no. Because it's hers in the first place.
20 · Having defined what submission doesn't mean, the pastor pivots to positively defining what it does mean
So what then does this mean?
21 · The pastor defines submission positively as a return to the Genesis 1-2 creation pattern where woman was made as a helper—one who brings strength where it is lacked—not as less valuable but as returning to her kingdom role after the breakdown in Genesis 3
Well, remember that the word submit means most literally placed under, but that is not given. That command is not given in the sense of the woman placed under the man as being less valuable in God's sight, less glorifying as an image bearer, or less important to the Lord. Instead, it is a— I want you to see it is a return in a sense, a redemption, a restoration in a sense, of what we see in Genesis 1 and 2, where God tells Adam, "I will make a helper fit for you." And that word "helper" most literally means someone who brings strength to where it is lacked. In fact, there are times in the Old Testament that God refers to himself as the helper of Israel. And I'm not saying— not reversing all the things, but that's the picture is somebody needs strength, needs help, And that strength and help is brought by another. The woman is brought to help with the charge given to Adam. And again, we see the breakdown of what happens when Adam and Eve do not fulfill their kingdom roles.
22 · The pastor argues that Paul's command to wives cannot be read apart from the even more countercultural command to husbands—while Roman culture said men rule and women submit, Paul says wives bring strength to help husbands AND husbands orient themselves to sacrificially love their wives, both turned inward toward serving each other
Now, we're gonna spend an entire message on this next week, but you cannot, we cannot read this command apart from a command given to the husbands. Because you might say, well, that doesn't seem fair. Why would the wife have to support and help the husband and the husband could just do whatever he wants? You know, I'm sure some husbands are thinking, man, I have a whole NASCAR weekend that I am building out in my mind. Just, here, wife, here's some opportunities to serve me and help me. You know what would help me? For you to make my favorite meal and let me watch NASCAR all weekend. That would be a way to help me. That's where I need help. No. In fact, the command out, husbands, is decidedly even more countercultural in our day and in the Roman day. In a traditional Roman society, an ordering of the household would go like this: women submit and men rule. So men's job is to rule and women's job is to submit. That's the way we like it in Rome. Paul absolutely upends that. He says, women, you're to submit, meaning to return to that role of bringing strength and helping your husband. But men, You're— so in other words, you're to be turned and oriented toward helping your husband. But husbands, you're to be turned back to and oriented toward loving your wife, which would be a radical category for the Roman world. Like, hey, your job as a husband, not ruling, loving. That's what you're called to do. Their place, the husband's place in the sacrificial— in the kingdom order of Christ is sacrificial leadership oriented toward the self-sacrificing, life-laying-down care of their wives. That is how marriage is supposed to work. You're supposed to be oriented rather than outward, inward toward each other, seeking to care for one another, though in slightly different ways.
23 · The pastor illustrates mutual service through Steve Prescott and Chuck arguing over who gets to serve the other by teaching at Alpha, showing both spouses should orient themselves toward serving each other rather than being served
I saw an illustration of this recently at Alpha where Steve Prescott and Chuck, or helping lead Alpha and doing a bunch of the talks and doing a great job. Well, I think it was before one of the sessions, they were talking about who's gonna teach in, you know, next couple weeks. And so Steve was slated to teach and he was telling me he had a— Chuck and I, he had a marriage retreat that weekend before, and Alpha was gonna be on Monday, but he was still happy to do it, so just pray for him. And so Chuck said, oh man, Steve, I would hate to have you, you know, have to work all weekend leading this marriage retreat and then have to teach on Monday at Alpha. I am happy to teach if it would serve you, man. And Steve is like, oh, Chuck, you just had hip surgery, man. I know that you're still recovering. I would love to do it just to serve you. And then Chuck is starting to realize, well, but if you want to teach, I am happy to have you teach. And Steve's going, no, no, no, Chuck. Well, listen, if what you're saying is you have a burden, you have a heart to teach, I would love to hear you teach. And he's going like, you're a great teacher. I would love— I mean, I'd love to just sit and listen. You're like, no, I would love to sit and listen. "Stop it," you know? And I remember thinking, "I'm gonna have to get involved in the strangest conflict I've ever been a part of." They're each arguing over who's gonna serve the other. And that is what Paul is after in Ephesians 5. That's what Paul is after. Paul is after husbands going, "Listen, whatever responsibility I have to cultivate my family and protect them, I'm gonna orient myself to serve this woman." And if God's given me children to serve these kids and love them, laying down my life, and the wife is going, no, I want to help you. I want to support you. I want to bring strength. Where do you need help this week? No, I want to serve you this week. Where can I do that? That is what Christ is after as the picture of marriage in Ephesians chapter 5. Not one person serving, the other person getting to do whatever they want, but rather both under the command of Ephesians 5, beloved by God, walk in love as Christ has loved you.
24 · The pastor explains that the phrase 'as to the Lord' in Ephesians 5:22 cuts both ways—encouraging wives that their service is ultimately for Christ who always sees it, and setting boundaries since ultimate submission is to Christ, not the husband
Now, ultimately though, that phrase "as to the Lord" is helpful because it reminds every wife that she is not ultimately submitted to her husband, she's submitted to Christ. And this cuts both ways. First, it encourages the wife that perhaps you do something to serve your husband and he does not immediately celebrate you and you're thinking, oh great. It's okay. The Lord sees it. The Lord is glorified. It's an act of worship and service to the Lord. Maybe you serve him in a way he doesn't even catch, which is sometimes for me. The Lord catches it, celebrates it. But as to the Lord also imposes specific boundaries on what the wife does, meaning that ultimately she's submitted to the Lord more than to her husband, and that restricts what she can and should do in her marriage.
25 · The pastor explains why Paul repeats the command in verse 24—because some early churches abolished all distinction between husbands and wives rather than redeeming it, and Paul roots his teaching back in the Genesis 1-2 creation order of helper bringing strength
So that there is no misunderstanding, then Paul repeats the command again in verse 24. And the reason it seems that Paul repeats the command twice is that in the early church, at times in some churches, out of a good desire to hold up women as co-heirs with Christ, as gifted for service, as people who can prophesy and encourage and build up the church, Sometimes what began to happen in certain churches is that there began to be no distinction at all between husbands and wives. And rather than redeeming the creation paradigm, they abolished it in the interest of trying to treat women as co-heirs. And Paul is trying to be careful to say, listen, we're not abolishing the kingdom of Christ or the creation order. Redeeming and restoring it. And Paul then roots his teaching in Genesis 1 and 2. That's where we again go back to, "I will make a helper fit for him," someone who brings strength to where it lacks.
26 · The pastor shares how his wife Jen sacrificed her higher-paying job, moved, and worked to support his pastoral training—sacrifices he didn't fully appreciate at the time but which she made ultimately for the Lord, illustrating Ephesians 5's call to service
And one example of this is from our own marriage. Now, at the risk of— I'm not trying to say this is prescriptive, okay? This is one of the dangers of teaching Ephesians 5, is that in every marriage, it's gonna look slightly differently because the husband's gonna have weaknesses in certain areas and the wife will be wired certain ways. And so that should be walked out with wise counsel, holding on to the Bible, doing our best to fulfill the clear commands of Scripture while applying it wisely in our lives. But I remember a very specific time in our marriage where the first 2 years of marriage, Jen did this tremendously and sacrificially. We had— I had sensed a call to ministry before we got married. And Jen was praying about— she knew marrying me was in some sense saying, yes, I also feel called. That we're going to spend our lives in ministry together. And she prayed about it and felt like, yes, this is what the Lord's calling us to do together, not just me, but us together. And so as a result, she quit her job in D.C. She was making more money than me. Didn't make any financial sense, making more money. She moves down. I'm doing like a third of my job as facilities maintenance at the church. I'm digging sprinklers out of the backyard. She's thinking like, I don't know, man. I don't know. And I'm— and if you— I'm not doing it well either. So like, I'm not just a— I'm not a facility guy. If you're a great facility guy, awesome. I'm a poor facility guy. And so she's looking and thinking, I married a poor facility guy. He's not even good at doing the facilities. And as a result of that, through circumstances, the Lord leads us to go— actually got fired nicely. And the Lord leads us to go back to a pastoral training program, which then required her to work so that we could financially survive through that training program. So she worked really hard that year, served a bunch of people, and then she quit that job again so we could move to another place and serve the Lord. And I just remember, like, I just remember this week looking back and thinking, at the time, I had no idea the sacrifices that she was making. I didn't get it at all. But it was beautiful. And when I look back at that and I think, man, I know she loved me, but I think she ultimately didn't do that for me, she did that for the Lord. She did that because she felt like we had, as a family, had a calling. And that, I think, is what Paul is talking about in Ephesians 5.
27 · The pastor qualifies the phrase 'in everything' to mean a posture across all of life, not negating other scriptures—wives submit first to Christ, may confront husbands with Scripture, and should involve governing or church authorities in cases of abuse or unrepentant sin
Now, one last qualification on this is that phrase "in everything." Now, that phrase "in everything" should be interpreted in light of all the other Scriptures. So I think "in everything," Paul is meaning to say this isn't just like one very specific, narrow part of life, but rather is a kind of a posture in all of life. But it doesn't negate the other scriptures we have about submission. Wives submit first to Christ and are never to do something that honors or dishonors Christ in any way. So a wife may point to scripture and say, hey, husband, God says this in his word. And I want to be very clear that in cases of abuse, God has set in place other authorities over husbands and wives. That wives should rightly use when appropriate. In cases of abuse, for example, the governing authorities should be called. In cases of unrepentant sin, the church should be called. And that honors God as well.
28 · The pastor signals the final major section of the sermon focusing on marriage as witness
All right. Last point, an upside-down witness.
29 · The pastor unpacks Ephesians 5:32's profound mystery—marriage is not primarily about the couple but about pointing to Christ and the church in a lesser-to-greater comparison, with the everyday details of marriage carrying gospel significance
Now, Paul delves into the deep mystery of marriage. He says, for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, his body. And is himself its Savior. Now, this is the first lines of the sketch that Paul is going to create through his words in Ephesians 5, and he fills out the picture further in 5:32 where he says, "This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. Now, this is not a one-to-one comparison between Christ and the husband. This is a lesser-to-greater comparison, meaning if the husband, a good husband, is supposed to in various ways cultivate and protect his family, how much more do we see that perfectly fulfilled and accomplished by Jesus Christ? That Jesus lays down his life that he might cause the church to be protected from the wrath of God and the consequence of sin and flourish, not just for a moment, but for eternity. That is the picture that Paul is saying is embedded into these details of marriage in Ephesians 5. What your marriage is not ultimately about, just how you treat one another, about the details of your life, about who balances the checkbook, your marriage is ultimately about about Jesus and about the gospel. That's what we're meant to get from Ephesians chapter 5.
30 · The pastor argues that Paul transforms the 'why' of submission from Roman cultural degradation to gospel witness, illustrating this through his grandparents' marriage where his Nana's sacrificial care for his aging Granddad created a shimmer of the gospel story, and concluding with McLaughlin's testimony that marriage is about reflecting Christ and the church
And what Paul is doing here is radical, beautiful, countercultural, subversive work. He changes not just what submission looks like by changing the role of the husband, but the why of submission. Because in Roman culture, women were often demeaned and degraded by the people around them. Their why for submitting was Well, they're physically weaker. They had limited rights. So, not only does the Bible change how husbands treat their wives, not only does it make clear that wives ultimately submit to Christ, not their husbands, it also imbues the simple act of marriage with profound eternal significance. That we're not just pleasing our husband so he's less grumpy when he gets home. But rather seeking to bring strength that a glimmer or shimmer of the gospel story will ripple out into the world around us. I think one of the most vivid illustrations I've seen of this was with my Nana and Granddad, my grandparents. Now, my Granddad was one of the physically strongest men I've ever known. I still remember, I think it was, you know, he was probably in his 60s when I was a kid. And he still had the biggest biceps of anybody I knew. I mean, he was like small boulder biceps. I still remember as a kid, he would come up behind me and like grab my thighs, even at like age 8 or 10 or whatever, grab my thighs and just lift me up into the air like nothing and just like walk me around. And I'm freaking out. I'm like, ah, I'm gonna die. And then sometimes he would just grab, basically hold me in one hand, like swoop me up my butt and just hold me. Hey, Scooter, what are you— you know, and I'm like, ah! And I was, you know, I was not the bravest child. And so the— but it brought me such comfort to have a strong granddad. If we had to, like, remember, we had a snake in our pool, we, like, called granddad right away, man. He's gonna take care of the snake. Literal Genesis 1 and 2 work right there. But as he aged, he had back issues, he had breathing issues, he had— Many issues. And he went from being the strongest man I knew to walking only with difficulty. But still my Nana loved him. And she was this very petite— she sat over there for a number of years in that seating section. And she was this very petite New Mexican abuela kind of lady. She's not assertive, not fierce, but I watched her. Care for my granddad, bringing strength to where he lacked it over and over again. He went from being one of the most joyful, kind of full-of-life people I ever knew, to being very much in pain and inward many times, and still she loved him. And she walked with him through the 100,000 indignities that come with old age, and still she loved him. And she walked through making whatever breakfast he could eat that day, whatever food he could, whatever drink he could drink that day, doing whatever she could to bring strength to his aging body. And still, every time, you saw this glimmer, this shimmer in the air of the gospel story. Now, I'm not saying that brother and sister relationships, you can't have self-sacrifice or, parent-child relationships. But I am saying, I think Ephesians 5 is saying that there is a unique gospel beauty when wives love their husbands as Christ has called them to love them. There is something unique, powerful, and counterculturally beautiful about it. Paul is saying, sisters, you carry with you the most precious treasure of the universe, which is the gospel of Jesus Christ. Dr. McLaughlin comes back around and describes her understanding of Ephesians 5 saying this: This model isn't ultimately about any individual wife and husband. It's about Jesus and the church. God created sex and marriage to give us a glimpse of his intimacy with us. Because our marriages point to a greater marriage, The roles are not interchangeable. Jesus gives himself for us and we submit to him. And I've been married for a decade, she says, and it's a daily challenge to remember what I'm called to in this gospel drama and to notice opportunities to submit to my husband as to the Lord, not because I'm naturally more or less submissive or because he is naturally more or less loving, but because Jesus submitted to the cross for me. My marriage isn't ultimately about me and my husband any more than Romeo and Juliet is about the actors playing the title roles. My marriage is about reflecting Jesus and his church.
31 · The pastor signals the transition to concluding application before communion
So let me just close with a couple encouragements before we take communion.
32 · The pastor applies the sermon to married women, encouraging them that their unseen daily sacrifices carry profound gospel significance and that Ephesians 5 calls them to exchange a Genesis 3 posture of opposition for a Christ-like posture of service—primarily an act of worship to Christ
First, I want to talk to my sisters in Christ who are married, and let me just encourage you. So much of your work in this area the world will never see, and perhaps your husbands even fail to notice at times. And yet, the beautiful thing about Ephesians 5 is it gives deep and rich meaning to the daily sacrificial love that you have for your husband, calling it beautiful, calling it countercultural, and calling it precious in the eyes of God. What often is upside down to the world is right side up to Jesus. And when you find places your husband needs strength and you lend your strength to him, you are doing something more valuable than you know. When you ask, "Well, what do you think?" or when you say something simple like, "I respect you," you're giving your husband a greater gift than you will ever know. And more importantly, you are honoring Christ as you display a picture of the gospel. Now, there will be times that you must refuse to follow or to submit or to support. And that's where you must have godly counsel, where you must involve others where appropriate, even the governing authorities at times where appropriate. But I would just say this, whenever possible, this text calls us to sacrificial love. And if I could say it this way, rather than trying to figure out, well, what does it mean in this thing or that thing? I think more than anything, this text changes our posture from the Genesis 3, the wife's posture from Genesis 3, "I'm opposed to my husband," to back around in the mold of Christ, "I want to serve my husband." And turns the husband similarly back to his wife, rather than, "I want to be served," but rather, "I want to serve." So, it calls us to exchange resentment and bitterness and unforgiveness for love. And care and respect. And this is where Dr. MacLachlan's words are so important. Your relationship with your husband is first and foremost about your relationship to Christ.
33 · The pastor applies the sermon to husbands, reminding them that marriage means God saw their desperate need for help, and that they are called to orient themselves in service and love to their wives in response, previewing next week's fuller treatment
Then, for my brothers who are married, let me just say a couple things to you. First, this passage says that if you are married, you are married because in God's providence, he thinks you desperately need help. So, every husband, I think, has an unearned confidence in many areas of life. And brothers, I love you for it sometimes. You're like, yeah, I could— I'll figure out how to fix that in my car. And then you realize pieces strewn out on your driveway, you may be in over your head. Your wife asks, how's it going? Oh, great. Yeah, great. Good. Yeah, it's good. Almost done. You know, that's where we go. Listen, if you're married, you're married because God has seen your life and said you need a helper. Accept it and receive it as a critique of your own life. And then posture yourself then. And we're going to talk much more about this next week. Posture yourself that as the wife is called to orient herself in service and love to her husband, you, brother, are then called in response to what God has done for you to orient yourself in service and love to your wife. And that'll look slightly different. With each of you as you practice it. But you are called to love your wife as Christ loved the church. So whenever you see your wife acting according to Ephesians 5, it calls you to act according to Ephesians 5 all the more.
34 · The pastor applies the sermon to singles, instructing them to evaluate potential spouses by Ephesians 5 criteria—sisters looking for men who cultivate and protect sacrificially, brothers looking for women who bring strength where it's needed, not cultural standards
And last, let me just share an encouragement to singles. Look, brothers and sisters, the way that our culture views marriage is so often upside down to the kingdom of Christ. It calls you to look for somebody fun. Cool, good-looking, similar interests, that you can stand. You know, it's just the standards are getting lower in some ways. And let me just encourage you, look for someone with Ephesians 5 in mind. Sisters, you're not looking for somebody fun or amiable. You're looking for somebody who takes seriously the call to cultivate and help those around them flourish. And protects those even at the cost of himself. That's the kind of man you're looking for. And brothers, what you're looking for is not, you know, a dismissive doormat. Just like, I'm just going to marry the meekest girl I can find. Oh, yes. No, you don't want that one. You want— and it's okay if you're meek. That's fine. My grandmother was there. I'm not trying to say anything mean about that, but I'm just saying Ephesians 5 is not telling you to just look for a doormat or to try to make somebody you're dating into a doormat. Rather, you want somebody you observe bringing strength to areas that need strength, knowing that you desperately need somebody like that. That you are in— God has seen fit to say you're incomplete and he wants someone to come alongside you that you might fulfill the charge of God together.
35 · The pastor transitions to communion, inviting believers to partake and non-believers to observe as an invitation to salvation
So with that, we're going to turn toward communion. So please take the elements in your hand. And we are in a season of weekly communion as we head toward Easter, and if you have believed in Christ and trusted him as Savior and Lord, we want to welcome you to the Lord's table today. And if you are not yet a Christian, we want to encourage you to observe this simple act and see in it an invitation from the Lord that you today could find your sins forgiven and your world restored by the work of Jesus Christ.
36 · The pastor leads the congregation in self-examination before communion, inviting them to identify where they have failed to love others as Christ loved them, then assures them from Titus 3 that they are saved by God's mercy and are beloved children
Now, I want to encourage all of us, regardless of whether you are a wife or not, to examine yourself under the kind of the banner of Ephesians 5, which again says, "As beloved children, walk in love." And let us all consider the question today that in our various relationships, various responsibilities, various positions, have we loved others as Christ has loved us? And I want to allow the Lord to just speak to our hearts for a moment. So please pause for a moment of reflection before we continue and just ask, Lord, is there an area you're putting your finger on today that I've not loved others as you've loved me? Let's consider that a moment. And as we see these own areas, of which we all have them in our lives, let us be assured by the beginning of Ephesians 5 that we are beloved children. Titus 3 says that when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to His own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and the renewal of the Holy Spirit whom He poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior. And so, Lord, we thank you in these areas that you, if we've confessed them to you, you are faithful and just and are gladly ready to forgive us because of your mercy. And we proceed to the Lord's table today, Lord, very aware that we are beloved in you.
37 · The pastor leads the congregation through the liturgy of communion, administering the bread and cup with the words of institution
So please take the bread in your hand. The Lord Jesus, on the night of his arrest, took bread and And after giving thanks to God, he broke it and gave it to his disciples, saying, "Take, eat. This is my body given for you. Do this in remembrance of me." Please take the bread. And now please take the cup in your hand. In the same way, he took the cup, saying, "This cup is the new covenant sealed in my blood, shed for you for the forgiveness of sins." Whenever you drink it, do this in remembrance of me. Please take the cup.
38 · The pastor closes with a brief prayer asking God to remind the congregation of His love for them and empower them to love others as Christ loved them
Now please stand as we pray and close. Lord, I pray this morning two things for each of us. I first pray that you would, as we sing, remind us of your great love for us, that we truly would feel beloved by God. And I pray that you would seal that in our hearts. And then as we turn outward, help us to love others as you've loved us. Amen.