Awesome. Well, good morning. If you're new here, my name is Ricky and I'm one of the pastors here at the church. Man, what a privilege to be here. Uh, I can't believe this, but I, I've been serving in some pastoral capacity at the church for 13 years now, and that tells me a couple things.
Uh, first, last, last weekend I spent 72 hours with a bunch of young adults from our church at a young adults conference with our family of churches. and I learned that I am too old to go to a gas station at midnight, purchase food, eat it, and hang out for an extended period of time. I'm just too old to do that. My body began to resist immediately. And the feeling in your body is like, what are we doing?
This is midnight. We're at a gas station. We're buying food from it. This is not good. This is not going to end well.
I learned that. The second thing I learned over those 72 hours with our young adults is that the demise of the Church of Jesus Christ in the next generation has been greatly exaggerated. Because at this conference with our family of churches, we're not a huge family of churches, but there were 700 young adults from all across the country and from even Canada and Australia that came together to to sit under Bible teaching and pursue the Lord and meet one another. And it was just— it was such a great, rich time. And that's one of a number of other conferences that are actually going on this first week of January around the country.
And I think it just— it just illustrates that if you just read the headlines, the headlines are nobody's going to church, nobody's believing in Jesus, everyone's deconstructing, nobody— you know, it's too hard to follow Jesus anymore, nobody wants to do it. But man, that room was filled with young adults that are like, man, we're all in, we want to follow Jesus. And so God is doing something in this generation that is beautiful and unique. And as a church, I want us to steward those that we've got in the next generation, everybody from kids ministry through young adults, uh, through that early career stage. Man, we want to love these people well, we want to invite them into our lives, and we want to rally around them as they face the challenges of the culture.
Amen. We want to do that. So, this passage actually is going to give us some specific encouragement for those in the young adults category, but really any single of any age category. And if you're not single, as we read this, it doesn't mean that you can just tune out. It means we want you to listen in so that you know how to counsel, encourage, and help the singles in your life as they answer one of the most fundamental questions you could possibly ask: Should I get married?
To whom? And how? Right? Those are 3 of the most fundamental questions in life if you're a single. So, let's see what the Lord has for us in 1 Corinthians chapter 7, beginning in verse 25.
We're going to read the passage we covered in December and then continue on through the rest of it. Chapter 7, verse 25. This is God's Word. Now concerning the betrothed, I have no command from the Lord, but I give my judgment as one who by the Lord's mercy is trustworthy. I think that in view of the present distress, it is good for a person to remain as he is.
Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a betrothed woman marries, she has not sinned.
Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that. This is what I mean, brothers, the appointed time has grown very short. From now on, let those who have wives live as though they had none, and those who mourn as though they were not mourning, and those who rejoice as though they were not rejoicing, and those who buy as though they had no goods, and those who deal with the world as though they had no dealings with it. For the present form of this world is passing away. I want you to be free from anxieties.
The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. Now the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. And I say this for your benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.
If anyone thinks he's not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes. Let them marry. It is no sin. But whoever is firmly established in his heart, being under no necessity, but having his desire under control, and has determined this in his heart to keep her as his betrothed, he will do well. So then, he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better.
A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives, but if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. Yet in my judgment, she is happier if she remains as she is. And I think that I too have the Spirit of God. This is God's Word.
Lord, I pray you give us ears to hear and eyes to see. May we behold wondrous things out of your Word. Lord, I pray that this would be clear. There's so much going on in this passage. Lord, I pray the through line, the melody line of this text would, would be clear as we leave, that we might profit from it, build the church, and reach the lost. In Jesus' name, amen.
I love Spider-Man. Spider-Man is my favorite superhero. And I love a couple things about him. I love that he throws out witty, you know, things while he's fighting, which I think is pretty impressive. Like, if you're fighting for your life and still throwing out good material, that's pretty good.
It's pretty impressive. The other thing I love about Spider-Man, though, is he's so relatable. He is constantly trying to keep together the various parts of his life. And I actually think his— this is my theory about Spider-Man— that his superpower of, you know, hitting things with webs and then holding things together is actually kind of a metaphor for his life. Because if you read the comics or watch the movies, this is what you know.
You see Spider-Man, he has a job, but he's always late for the job because he's always hearing an ambulance siren that he's trying to trace down and help people. And then he— that makes him late for a date he's supposed to have. To see his girlfriend's play or whatever, and that makes him turn in his assignment later. And so everyone is mad at him. His employer is mad at him.
His girlfriend is mad at him. His college professor is mad at him. There's always another person to save. And so my theory is that the web thing, that he's, you know, flipping out and trying to hold everything together, is the metaphor for what his life is like. He's perennially trying to hold on to this and hold on to this and somehow not get torn apart.
And that is entertaining, but I don't want to live a Spider-Man life. I don't want to live a life in which I'm constantly pulled in different directions, unable to ever make any progress.
And that, I think, is the reason Paul is writing this passage, not because of Spider-Man, but because of that common human dilemma. To be pulled, to have this tension specifically between the area of relationships and romance and dating and marriage, between that area and then your relationship with God. And many, many people are caught in between those two things, somehow trying to hold on to both without getting ripped apart.
And Paul has a surprising and beautiful and clear piece of counsel that really is the anchor for the entire passage. Look at verse 35. He says, "I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you," meaning this, he's gonna give a bunch of practical advice, wisdom advice, but he's giving it as advice. He's not saying you have to do this, but listen what's driving him. I don't wanna lay restraint upon you, but to promote good order and ultimately, what's he trying to do?
To secure your undivided devotion to the Lord. So Paul is not authoritatively weighing in on singleness always being the right answer or marriage always being the right answer. And in different periods of church history, people have answered that the way, you know, kind of the order of monks back in the medieval ages, they would be like, "Yep, if you want to serve the Lord, singleness, always the right answer." But often in the American church in the 21st century, marriage is always the right answer. And Paul is saying, "No, that's not what I'm saying." And he provides advice, but advice to these specific couples in Corinth.
6 · Explains the historical context of the 'present distress' (famine, riots, persecution) shaping Paul's counsel to wait
And as we covered in the previous passage, this advice is shaped by the fact that there is some kind of present distress in the city of Corinth. There was likely a grain famine and/or some social unrest with rioting and things and/or Christian persecution. And so it's a volatile time in the city and in the church. And Paul says, listen, you're free to get married, you're free to not get married. And on balance, I think I'd counsel waiting, serving the Lord freely, riding this out, and then reevaluating. That is kind of his— advice here.
So, what about us though? We're not in 21st century Corinth. There's no grain famines around us. Well, 3 sections today. The first section, Paul provides some practical advice for some people about marriage.
The second section, and the second is going to be his overall advice for everyone. And then in the third section, we'll kind of apply his advice into various seasons of life.
7 · Expounds Paul's first practical reason not to marry: the married person is by necessity preoccupied with earthly cares (provision, stability) that singles can avoid
So, first, some practical advice about marriage. And he first lists some good practical reasons—this is surprising—not to get married. Right? Maybe if you're engaged right now, you're like, "Oh, honey, I'm not going to listen to them." You know, don't worry. Like, no, this is the Bible. Let's listen to what Paul is counseling this specific group of couples with. Now, first, one practical reason not to get married or get married right now is a greater burden of earthly cares. Now, the word translated anxiety in that section of verse 32 and on, I think that maybe the best way to think of it in our context is preoccupation, meaning the married person is preoccupied by necessity with some parts of life that single people are not preoccupied with.
Meaning if you're a single, you can, you know, be between jobs and couch surf and go visit friends in California, But if you announce to your wife and 4 children that that is your plan after losing your job, that you will couch surf with your college friend in California, it is not going to go well, right? There will be of necessity a weight of, okay, I gotta make sure to fix this. I gotta make sure to care for these people. And remember, they're living in this charged climate with famine and unrest and persecution. So this is just a bit of a gut check, I think, from Paul to the church.
Is this the right time? And should you take on that greater burden of earthly cares?
8 · Illustrates the principle of singleness freeing one for ministry with a personal story of a church member who intentionally avoided dating during a gap-year missions commitment, recognizing that relational concerns would hinder focused service
Now, a couple weeks ago, I was talking to a brother from the church, and he was talking about how post-high school, pre-college, he did a year of missions work. And he talked about— we were just talking about various places he went, and we— he talked about, you know, that year he was devoting to missions work and seeing the kingdom of God around the world. And serving the church, he intentionally was like, I don't think this is the right time to date anyone.
Despite meeting a lot of cute people, as he said, you know, around the world, he kind of just knew, okay, if I'm here to take this year to serve the Lord, this is not going to be served by me worrying about engagement and marriage and all of the practical concerns that will come along that. It serves me right now to be free to be able to serve the Lord without that burden of care. And that's a good thing, Paul would say.
9 · Expounds Paul's second practical reason not to marry: the temptation to sideline spiritual growth by making the relationship the exclusive focus
Second, a good practical reason not to marry is a temptation to sideline your own spiritual growth. Now, Paul is not saying that married people can't focus on the Lord. He talks about that many times throughout his letters. But I think he's referencing a temptation, a practical temptation that the practical or relational focus of your life becomes only that person, pleasing that person, making that person happy, rather than making the Lord happy, meaning serving the Lord first. Now, this is the pattern I've observed a number of times. I'll just say it that way. Over and over, singles on the hunt or on the prowl or dating will often, when they find the person, like, "Oh, we started dating." Often what happens immediately is a withdrawal from church community.
And often what can happen at the same time is a suffering in their spiritual walk. And there's more— and as they get closer together, there's more and more and more and more focus on one another, which in some sense is appropriate because you're trying to figure out, "Is this the person I'm supposed to marry?" But often, not always, but often people will land in premarital counseling with the church and we will be like, "Great." You know, and they'll bring up issues and problems and we'll say, great, awesome. Who is helping you work through life right now and those career decisions? Who's discipling you? Like, well, I don't have time to get discipled right now.
I'm like, well, okay, what is your— have you asked your community group to pray about this health issue with you? Well, we haven't really had time to go to community group. You know, well, what about, you know, seeking the advice of godly older couples? Have you guys been able to do that? Well, we haven't had time for that either.
Right. And I'm not— again, if that's you, I'm not trying to like put I'm not gonna put you on blast right now, but what I am saying is this: Paul is pointing out that often the temptation that you have to be careful with is to preoccupy yourself only with practical and earthly concerns to the exclusion of your relationship to the Lord. And Paul said if that's happening, it may be better to wait or not marry.
10 · Expounds Paul's first practical reason to marry: the desire to act honorably toward the person you're betrothed to
Second, he does give some good practical reasons to marry. So, if you're engaged, you can hold their hand again at this part. First, a desire to be honorable. Paul references this category of behaving properly or honorably toward your betrothed. And maybe some would say, "You know what? We made a promise to one another. The honorable thing, the right thing would be to get married." And Paul says, "That's a good thing." I think we need to, if I could say this, bring back honor and acting honorably as a factor in relationships.
I'm gonna give you one example. If you invest months or years of your life and act like you're going to marry the person you're dating, but really deep down have no intention of marrying the person you're dating, that's not honorable. And the way our culture is oriented is this. The culture's orientation with relationships is to get as much out of the other person for yourself as possible while making as little commitment to them as possible. To say and do things to elicit an emotional or a physical response, but in the end, you're kind of like, "Yeah, I just like feeling him say, you know, 'I love you' a million times, but I don't even know if I love him, but it's nice to hear.
It's nice to hear." Right? And Paul's saying that's not honorable. You got to conduct yourself honorably.
11 · Expounds Paul's second practical reason to marry: when physical and emotional passion between godly believers makes purity increasingly difficult to maintain, marriage is the God-honoring solution — even if external circumstances are not ideal
Second, a deep emotional and physical connection. Passion. Look, man, Paul is practical here. He's acknowledging maybe, maybe, look, there's famines, there's riots. Maybe this is not the best time to plan a wedding circumstance-wise, life-wise. But look, man, you and the other person that you are dating in the body of Christ, you're just admitting, man, as you've grown closer emotionally, you're also just growing closer physically. And it is harder and harder to stay pure and harder and harder to keep your clothes on.
And Paul says, if that's you, Get married. All right, that's the solution. Now, he's not saying, hear me, marry the first person you wanna sleep with. Okay, not saying that. He is saying, if they are godly and they would be a good match in the Lord, and you are feeling that physical passion, that may mean, you know what, this isn't the best time life-wise, but we're gonna get married.
I think that'd be wise. Paul says, that's good, that's fine.
12 · Expounds Paul's third practical reason to marry: a strong conviction formed through Scripture, prayer, and counsel
Third reason to marry, a strong conviction from the Lord. Paul references somebody firmly established in their heart to marry or not marry, or if it has to be, meaning that if you feel a conviction, that you should listen to that conviction. Now, that conviction of whether to marry or not should be formed with Scripture, with prayer, with counsel. But if you've prayed and gotten counsel and looked at the scriptures and you're like, you know what, I am convinced this is a good thing. It may not be great timing, but this is a good thing, then Paul says, get married. Some good practical reasons to get married.
13 · Transitions from practical reasons to marry/not marry into the broader theological framework
But now section number 2, I wanna back up and give some overall advice from Paul for relationships that apply to everyone. Because there is a tension in this, section of Scripture. The tension is this: Paul wants us to— remember verse 35— to have undivided devotion to Jesus. And he's pointing out the danger that some relationships can divide your devotion. But then he also says, well, if you do get married, it's not a sin. And you're like, well, I don't understand that. It seems like it would be wrong to be trying to follow the Lord, you know, trying to follow the person that you're interested in and follow the Lord, and you're just getting stretched and, ah, And Paul just says that that's okay?
No, no, no. You've got to read more closely. That is not what he's saying is okay.
14 · Resolves the tension by appealing to the two great commandments
Remember this: the two great commandments of Scripture are to what? To love God with all of your heart, all of your mind, all of your soul, all of your strength. Like, what percentage of yourself is that? Anybody? Sean? 100, right? That's pretty much everything.
Pretty much covers everything, your mind, your heart, your soul, your body, everything to the Lord. And it says, "Love your neighbor as yourself." So are those two things pulling you in different directions? No, because this is the truth in Scripture. When you love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength, then you will love your neighbor as yourself because they are made in the image of God. And loving them is part of your relationship with God.
Does that make sense? So if you can't say, "I love the Lord and I hate you." That scripture says, "No, you can't do that." Scripture says, "If you love the Lord, you'll love people made in God's image. If you love the Lord, you'll act honorably. If you love the Lord, you'll pursue righteousness." And all of your relationships will head in that direction. So rather than feeling like, "Okay, here's my relationship and here's, you know, the Lord and I'm just trying to hold them together." No, no, no, it's actually one direction.
You're headed to love the Lord, and if there is a relationship, it should fit within that trajectory of love for the Lord. Does that make sense?
15 · Contrasts the cultural ideal (couple staring into each other's eyes, relationship as the ultimate focus) with the biblical picture (couple holding hands while following Jesus together)
So, think about it this way. I think a lot of American ideals when it comes to romance and relationships is this is the ideal. If this is the life path, like, you and your spouse or dating boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever, You're holding hands and you're just staring into each other's eyes. You're just like, "Oh my gosh, I just love you so much." And you're just crab walking your way all the way, you know, through life. And you don't see what's coming up, you don't see where you're going, you're just like, "I just love you so much, I just love you." I mean, that's like the— that's every movie, right? Like nobody in the movie's like, "Oh man, I just love you. Now let's figure out how this relationship fits into the broader pattern of my life and relationship with the Lord." You know, nobody's doing that. It ruins the moment in the movie, right?
You just get married and you just stare into each other's eyes forever. But let me just say, that is not the biblical picture of marriage. The biblical picture of marriage, I think, is better personified with you and your spouse holding hands, genuine affection, genuine love, genuine gratefulness, but you're holding hands following Jesus together. Meaning the focus isn't exclusively that person, the focus is Jesus, but as you follow Jesus, You actually find out that makes you a better husband or a better wife or a better boyfriend or a better girlfriend. Because as you love God most, you love them best.
Right? That is what Paul is trying to get us to see. Undivided devotion actually serves you in your relationship.
16 · Direct application of the theological principle: assess whether your romantic life is headed in the same direction as your pursuit of Christ, or pulling against it
So here's the key question that I wanna ask today. If your life is headed in one direction, If your life is headed toward following Jesus, is your romantic life headed the same direction? Right, if that's where you're going, and there's any sense in which your romantic life is like, "Well, I'm trying to hold on and keep walking," that's not gonna work. That strain and tension often reveals, well, that that relationship may be pulling you from your focus.
17 · Extended personal narrative of the pastor's courtship with his wife, illustrating the principle of undivided devotion tested through long-distance dating, job offers, and community counsel
Now, I'm gonna give you one real practical example I'm not saying— this is not instructive for every situation, but this is how it worked out in my relationship with Jen. Jen and I were dating long distance, and she was in D.C., and I was in El Paso, and I just prayed for Southwest airfare sales. Like, "Lord, if you want me to date this girl, give me cheap plane tickets." And the Lord did many times give me very cheap plane tickets. Grateful for that. And yet in the middle of our dating relationship, pretty early on in the first few months, I kind of had a little bit of a hope that she would move down here to El Paso, like that she'd realize, oh man, it's kind of hard to date. And I was kind of stuck doing what I was doing in El Paso. I wasn't real mobile. So I thought, well, maybe she could quit her job and move down here.
And, and so I kind of like an idiot boyfriend, like floated the idea, like, I wonder if, you know, you'd ever move down here, whatever. And she, with utter clarity, said, "Nobody." And her reasoning, though, is what I want you to hear. The reasoning is this. She said, "Look, I'm in a church that I'm getting discipled in, and it's helping me follow Jesus. I have deep relationships that are serving me here and a community that's serving me." And my job is actually working at the church and helping advance ministry here.
So listen, man, the bar's gonna be pretty high for me to leave that and join you anywhere. And she said that only slightly more kindly. And 'cause she realized with me, I'm gonna need to be clear with this guy. And I just was like, you know what? Once she explained it, I thought that actually does make sense.
It would actually not serve her to pull her out of this context where she's growing to explore a burgeoning relationship with me when we don't yet know if we're supposed to be together and remove her from a place she's growing and serving. Well, a number of months later, I was offered a job at her church in— back in D.C. And so at first, I just thought, Boom, that's the Lord. I'm called to pursue this girl. I'm going out to D.C. We're gonna date. We're gonna be married together forever.
It's gonna be awesome. But thankfully, I was in a context of a good community, and I was asking for counsel, like, hey, what do you guys think about this? And the unanimous counsel of all the guys I trusted was don't take that job. Because I had just started working at the church as an intern, and was exploring pastoral ministry, and this job was not exploring pastoral ministry. And so their counsel was, if you believe the Lord has called you to be a pastor, I think you should stay.
And so I just thought, well, that's not what I was hoping for, but I saw the wisdom though of it. And I'll be honest, I thought Jenna was going to break up with me every month because I just was like, I don't know what she's saying. I— my deception of her is going to run out at some point. That I'm a normal, well-adjusted human man, and she'll see through it. And yet we just kept dating.
And so finally, I remember the phone call where I called her and basically said, "Hey, you know the job that I got offered to come to your church that I've been praying about?" And she was like, "Yeah?" I said, "I'm not going to take it." And then I just remember that the pause was like, "Oh, man." Oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man. You know, and she said, and there was a pause, and then she said, "Okay." And then she just was like, "How was your week?" And I, and here's what I found out later. I found out later that she actually was watching, she's wise, she was watching pretty carefully the way I handled it, because she realized This guy believes he's supposed to be a pastor. We've had many conversations about that. But if he leaves that to follow me, I'm not sure I can trust him to lead us and our family where God's taking us.
Like, in other words, if he's following me, not the Lord, that's not the husband I want. But actually, by saying no to the job and saying, I'm not going to move up there with you, the Lord used that in Jen's life to go, Okay, he cares more about the Lord than me. I'm willing to walk alongside this guy, right? That is, I think, what Paul's talking about. Now, I'm not saying it's going to work out the exact same way in your life, in your dating relationship, but that is what Paul is after, an undivided devotion where singles are wrestling with, I'm being served, I'm serving the Lord, are we called to do that together?
You're serving the Lord, I'm serving the Lord, is God calling us to do that together?
18 · Uses the metaphor of life as a vehicle with passengers (career, health, relationships) to clarify that the pursuit of the Lord must be the driver, not the relationship — even a marriage relationship
Another way to ask this is, who is in the driver's seat of your life? Life, you have a lot of passengers in your life, your career, your health, your city, your extended family, all that stuff. But usually there is one thing steering your life. There's a lot of backseat drivers shouting advice, but there is one thing that can steer your life. And what Paul is saying is this, make sure your pursuit of the Lord is what's driving. That should be what's steering, not even your relationship with your girlfriend or boyfriend or spouse. It should be the Lord ultimately that's driving your life.
19 · Structural transition previewing six application questions the remainder of the sermon will address: whether to date, whom, how, whether to marry, how to act married, and what to do if single
So that's the second section. Third, now, very briefly, I'm gonna try to apply this to a variety of relationship questions. Here's what we're gonna hit. I'm gonna tell you up front where we're going. Should I date? Who should I date? How should I date? Should I get married? How should I act married? And what if I'm single right now?
Okay? So first, let's apply this. With wisdom to our situations.
20 · Applies Paul's principle to the question 'Should I date?' with particular attention to teenagers
Should I date? Should you date? If you're single sitting here wondering, "Should I date?" the answer from the Bible is, "It depends." It depends. Now, I will turn into old man Alcantara just for a second and counsel the teens among us. So, just imagine me up here with a walker or something. Providing advice to people generations behind me. And this is what I want to say.
Look, if you're in your teens, let me just encourage you, there are good practical reasons not to date as a young or a mid-teenager. Couple of reasons. First, you're 15, you probably can't get married next year. I'd have a lot of questions about a lot of things. Second, you are still establishing your relationship with God.
So you've got to be very careful that that is the focus of your teen years, establishing that you might be following Jesus for many years to come rather than chasing the next relationship. And third, you— listen, let's just be practical, man. You got raging hormones, you face significant physical temptation, right? That is the reality. And I'm not saying that you can't date.
That's not what I'm saying. What I am saying is this: I'm asking the question, is dating at whatever age you are, is that going to help you on the path to undivided devotion to Christ? That's the question you should be asking.
21 · Another reason not to date: if you are looking for a relationship to provide what only God can provide (completion, peace, identity, purpose), you should not date
And another practical caution with dating is this: It may mean you don't date. If you are looking for something in a relationship that God did not intend you to find in a relationship, you will always be disappointed. Meaning this: if you're looking for someone to complete you, that's not a spouse. If you're looking for somebody to give you peace, not a spouse. If you're looking for someone to give you identity and home and the purpose of your life, that's not a spouse. So if you go looking for those things in a spouse, one of two things is gonna happen. You are gonna place that on them and crush them immediately, or you're gonna place that on them and they're gonna carry it for a while till you get past the altar and then get crushed.
It's not gonna be helpful. You have to remember that the Lord completes you. The Lord gives you peace. The Lord gives you fulfillment. The Lord is your source of identity and purpose in life.
Life. And until you can be at rest, until you can sing, "It is well with my soul," outside of a relationship, you will never be able to sing, "It is well with my soul," in a relationship. If you are trying to move the needle by being in a relationship, it's not going to work. So, that would be a reason not to date.
22 · Balances the cautions about dating with positive affirmation from Proverbs: finding a spouse is a good thing
But the Bible also says that, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord." So Paul is not saying, like, "No, don't you dare." No, he's saying, "Yes, search for a spouse. Search for a good spouse. Get into a relationship at the right time for the right reasons for the glory of God."
23 · Applies Paul's principle to the question 'Who should I date?' Counsels much higher standards of godliness and much more realistic standards on secondary matters (appearance, hobbies, politics)
Second question: Who should I date? Now, this is a big one. Through a biblical lens, here's what I would suggest. Again, getting my walker out as old man Elkanthan. Here's what I would encourage. Much higher standards in one area and much lower standards in many other areas. And here's what it is: much higher standards of godliness and much more realistic standards in all the other areas. Right? Far too much time, I think, is spent thinking about unrealistic standards and expectations of looks or jobs or personalities or hobbies, and far too little attention is often given to looking at how this person relates to the Lord and to others.
Meaning this, this stuff matters but is not ultimate. Here's a list of stuff that matters but is not ultimate. Do they dress well? Do you vibe with their music? Are they tall enough? Are they short enough? Are they skinny enough? Do they accept every plank of your political platform? Again, not bad things to look for, but not ultimate. Here's, I think, what should matter far more.
Questions like this: How do they treat their family, their extended family, their mom and dad and siblings? What is the last pattern of sin that they've had to work on? Where are they growing and seeking to grow in godliness? How do they respect authority? Do they work hard and faithfully at their job?
Are they known in the— among the people that know them, are they known as trustworthy? Do they read their Bible? Do they have a commitment to the local church that rearranges other parts of their life? Right? That is what you're looking for.
And I'm telling you what, that is never gonna show up on an online dating profile. So you have got to go get it. And let me just give you a practical piece of counsel. See them in the context of other people. Anybody can look great interacting with you one-on-one.
How do they interact with the most difficult people in their life? Right? That's what you're looking for. 'Cause that's how they're gonna interact with you after 10, 20, 30 years. So, 'cause you're gonna be that person.
24 · Urgent pastoral plea grounded in Paul's command to marry 'only in the Lord' and the prohibition against unequal yoking
And look, let me just, Man, Lord, give me grace here. Let me just plead with you here. Paul says at the end of the section that if you're single, you're free to marry only in the Lord. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says, "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers." This is my pastoral plea. Not marry someone who is not walking toward Jesus and following Jesus.
Please. It— look, as a pastor, I've interacted with a number of people over the years, and when I begin to ask questions, I've heard everything from, you know, I've heard everything, "Well, they grew up in church." Good. Like, and also, what does that have to do with this? You're like, they grew up in church. Or I've also heard, they say that they pray sometimes.
Look, every Cowboys fan prays sometimes.
There's going to be a city of people who pray this afternoon, right? That's not— that's not it, man. That's not what you are looking for. Please, let me just plead with you, brother and sister. You are here.
Your life purpose is that you would serve the Lord that saved you. You are headed to the celestial city to be with the Lord for all eternity. And what you're looking for is someone to hold hands with as you who follow Jesus. You're looking for somebody who passionately declares Jesus is their Savior and Jesus is their Lord and their life looks like it.
So, listen, and you may be thinking, like, "Man, where do I find somebody like that?" We're going to get there. But let me just plead with you: "Marry in the Lord," as Paul would say.
25 · Applies Paul's principle to the question 'How should I date?' First corrects an imbalanced picture: dating is not a cross-examination but a joyful exploration of shared life and common grace
Next, how should I date? Well, first of all, I don't want to give the impression that dating, in light of 1 Corinthians 7, is some kind of cross-examination, right? That we're going to have, like— or is like a police procedural where there's like one dingy swinging light bulb and you're on one side like, "All right, let's see your Bible." No notes in all of the gospels, huh? Only— oh, so you read the Psalms. Anybody can read the Psalms, you know, like— who's the most difficult person in your life and what's the last thing you said to them? You're like, "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh." People are crying. I don't want that. Please don't do that.
Dating should not feel like a cross-examination. Look, man, here's what you know. If they are a believer, especially, you know, even if they're not a believer, but it's true of everyone. They're made in God's image. They have beauty and good things about them.
They wanna follow Jesus. They can help you and encourage you in your walk with the Lord. And you can enjoy God's common grace together. And so that should be a joyful process, not like a lawyer cross-examination. So find things that you enjoy doing together.
It's good. But as you do, let me encourage you with two things. First, date in the context of community. Please, I'm pleading with you, once you start dating, do not cut everyone out of your life. You need community.
You need community even more. You need people that you can go to who will challenge you and exhort you and encourage you and help you navigate this relationship. And second, like I referenced earlier, you need to see one another interacting as much as possible with others. 'Cause again, this person could look great for the 30 minutes you spend on a coffee date and then go out and badmouth his mom right afterwards, right? Or her mom.
Like, that's that. You want to see them interact with the mom, and you know the mom's difficult, and you want to see what that looks like and how they do with that. That's community. So don't, you know, just cut yourself off from community. Look, and let me just say this, it takes work.
The trajectory of your relationship is just spending time with one another. So you have to pull on that to be involved in the lives of others.
26 · Second concrete instruction on how to date: maintain the highest standards of sexual purity
And then the other, encouragement is this: hold the highest standards of purity as you consider whether God would have you be married. Let me just say this real practically. Exercising self-control, or your level of self-control before marriage, sets the trajectory of self-control in marriage. Meaning this: the level of self-control you have, or they have, before you are married will be the level of self-control you take into your marriage as you seek to preserve your covenant. Patterns of lack of self-control, of pressuring, of all that stuff, man, those don't immediately die once you get married. You've got to work on them. And the other practical reality is that sex rewires your brain. It does.
There's tons of secular research on this. Once you start sleeping together, you stop seeing flaws in the other person. You start excusing things that shouldn't be excused. You begin to lack the ability to make a clear-headed decision about marriage once that begins to happen. So, this is my plea as a pastor.
Please do not sleep with your boyfriend or girlfriend. A sin and profoundly unwise. It's a sin against God, it's a sin against them. If you love them, you don't want to sin against them, sin against your own body, as Paul says. And it's unwise because you will never be able to make a perfectly clear-headed decision in the middle of that.
27 · Applies Paul's principle to the question 'Should I get married?' by offering two eschatologically framed diagnostic questions: (1) In light of eternity, does this marriage help you follow Jesus and make an impact for the kingdom? (2) Will this spouse help you live with undivided devotion to Jesus?
All right, next, should I get married? All right, here's a big one. Maybe you're dating, maybe you're wondering, should I get married? I just want to ask two fundamental questions that summarize the whole passage. If life is short and eternity is long, does this marriage make sense in light of that, right? If you know you've got a short time and eternity is a long time, and you know that in heaven your marriage is not going to work the same way, you have one chance to make a difference for all eternity. You have one shot to follow Jesus and make an impact for him and for the kingdom. Does this marriage help you do that? If the marriage becomes your entire life and focus, that's not good. If marriage distracts your focus, that's not good.
But if this marriage helps you grow in Christ, man, that's so good. If this marriage brings you joy and grace on the journey, that's so good. If this is somebody you feel like, you know what, there's no one else I would rather hold hands with as I follow Jesus, That is who you're looking for. And second, ask this: Will this spouse help you live with undivided devotion to Jesus? Are you holding hands and are you walking in the same direction?
Do they make you want to love Jesus more? Will living in their life patterns help you pursue the Lord more?
28 · Briefly addresses 'How should I act married?' by deferring to other resources (Ephesians 5, other sermons, Reengage), then inserting two quick exhortations: (1) embrace passion and romance as Song of Solomon teaches, and (2) married couples must not live in isolation but need community to know the state of their marriage
And then last question— well, second to last: How should I act married? I don't have time. I'm just— I'm stating this and saying I don't have time for this. So if you're married and you're like, "I would like to hear that," sorry, Ephesians 5 will serve you. Go back and listen to Pastor Billy Ray's marriage seminar. Go to Reengage, read Ephesians 5, and then let me— okay. Okay, I'm actually going to insert two things here. First, in light of this, read the Song of Solomon and apply it, married couples. If you have the gift of marriage, then by all means, embrace romance and passion. And listen, as hard as it is sometimes to help singles stay pure prior to their marriage, sometimes it is as hard or harder to help married couples that have been married a while reignite the spark of passion in their marriage.
And it takes work. When you've got like 3 kids in your house and they all wake up at 5:00 a.m. and you're dead tired, exhausted. It takes work. And so Song of Solomon is there in our Bibles to pull us, guys, toward that passion and romance that God has designed for— designed our marriages for. And let me just encourage you with this: marriage should not be lived alone.
At least one other godly couple should know the state of your marriage. The refrain we hear over and over in marriage counseling at the church is often, have you talked about this with anyone? No, we've never talked about this with anyone. Is there anyone you can talk to about this? No, there's no one we can talk to about this.
That's not good, guys. We need to have others, just like when we're dating, we need the community. When we're married, we need the community. Okay, so don't skimp on that.
29 · Addresses the final question 'What if I'm single right now?' by first reaffirming Paul's counsel: singleness with undivided devotion to Christ is better than an unwise marriage burdened by cares, sorrows, and distractions
And last, let me address this. What if I'm single right now? Maybe you're here, maybe you're like, great, this all sounds great. I would love to find a beautiful spouse that I can hold hands with and follow Jesus together, but I ain't seeing nobody. And maybe even during this sermon you have subtly looked around the room and your evaluation is a collection of nos.
What do you do then?
First, I just want to encourage you with something. Very practically, remember that following Jesus as a single is better than unwise relationships. An unwise marriage. Like, it is better to be single and following Christ and trusting him with loneliness and trusting him with that desire, it's better to do that than to be burdened down with cares and sorrows and sins and distractions and hurts. It is better.
30 · Expounds verse 40 ('I think that I too have the Spirit of God') by noting Paul's own singleness and his choice to end the passage not lamenting what he lacks but rejoicing in what he has
But then the other advice I have is this: Paul encourages you. Now, here's the thing, I want you to understand that Paul by all accounts, is single in the writing of this. He either was unusually not married, or for somebody his age and a rabbi, or he was married and it's possible his wife left him as a result of the faith, or his wife passed away. We don't know why, but it is by all accounts clear that Paul is single. And he ends with this deceptively simple phrase.
'And I think that I too have the Spirit of God.' Rather than ending the passage noting what he does not have— hear me— he ends the passage rejoicing in what he does have. And that, that thing that he has is worth more than anything else in the world. Paul lives his life profoundly aware that he has been sought and saved and stopped by God on the road to hell, that Jesus Christ was sent for people like him to save him from his sins, to live with him in the Holy Spirit, to give him a future and a hope and a purpose, and to give him an eternal life with Christ. Christ and God's people and future kingdom. He remembers all of that.
And I think he's just starting his list here. I may not have a spouse, but you know what I have? I have the Spirit of God. And what a start.
31 · Direct application to singles: write a list starting with 'I too have the Spirit of God' and catalog what you possess in Christ (God's plan, companionship, Christ's presence, eternal hope)
I wanna encourage you as a single, if you're a single, start your list this week with that on the top of it and remind yourself what you have in Christ. Rather than leaving profoundly aware of what you don't have, I believe the Lord would want you to leave profoundly aware of what you do have Take a piece of paper, across the top write, "I too have the Spirit of God," and then fill the list out. I too have a plan from God for my life. I too have companionship and affection from the God who made me. I too have the arms of Christ around me in the trials of life. I too have the hope of eternal life.
Life. Like, just keep going. You're going to fill up more than a page. Because here's what I so desire for you guys as singles, that you would feel not the absence of something in your life, but the presence of something in your life, the presence of God himself.
32 · Expands application to the whole church: the community is called to be a means of grace to singles by embodying God's presence, encouragement, and companionship
And let me just encourage our whole church, one of the means of grace by— of allowing singles to feel the presence of God in their lives is through our presence. Maybe the means of grace of God putting his arm around a struggling single brother or sister is us putting our arms around that brother or sister. Now, certainly, the Lord can meet them spiritually, and he does, and he will, but, man, may we be faithful to encourage them. Look, what we just described, that is hard, that is complicated. It takes tons of wisdom, tons of consternation, probably lots of tears. Probably lots of confusion, probably lots of repentance, right?
All of that. So those of us who are not single, man, may we put an arm around every single we know and say, "Come with me. We're following Jesus." Right? Maybe you don't have that person that you're holding hands with as you follow Jesus, man, but you got a whole church of people around you who are following Jesus.
33 · Closing prayer interceding specifically for singles experiencing loneliness, asking God to make them viscerally aware of His presence through the Spirit
And as we end, I would love to pray for our singles. So would you stand? We're going to end with prayer. I feel like the Lord gave me a specific prayer for our singles as we end today, so try to be faithful to that and pray it over you. Let's go to the Lord in prayer. Lord, I pray, first of all, for our single brothers and sisters in the room.
Lord, just— I want to pray according to that sense from you that there are those, as we're in the message, they're feeling a profound loneliness as they seek to follow you. It's almost like they look to the right and to the left for that spouse who can join them in following Jesus, and there's no one there.
And as a result, the path feels lonely. Hard and difficult.
Lord, I pray that they would, in light of what Paul says, remember that they are not alone on the path of following Jesus.
Lord, they have never been alone in Christ. They are not alone today, and they will not be alone at any point along that path of following Jesus. Lord, I pray right now they would sense the reality of what Paul says, that they too have the Spirit of God. And I pray that through the Spirit they would sense the affection of their Abba Father, as Galatians 4 says, that they would sense the Lord God himself, their maker, their redeemer, their rescuer, their sustainer, with his arm around their shoulders as they walk the path. I pray just viscerally, God, for that sense for every single here that as they leave, as they walk out the doors today, they would feel upheld by God, their heavenly Father, walking with them to the car, walking with them into their home, walking with them into the living room.
God, I pray that they would sense and feel the affection and presence of God.
And I pray, Lord, the rest of us as a church, that we would be faithful. We'd be faithful to encourage. We'd be faithful to put arms around those singles following Jesus. We'd be faithful to uphold them and pray over them and encourage them and be involved in their lives. And I pray that we would be a church that holds the gifts of singleness and holds the gifts of marriage rightly, both good gifts.
All good gifts, not the gift. Lord, you are the gift. And I pray we would build a church culture around that. In your name, amen.