Excuse me, my friend. Thanks for helping me last night. Thank you. Thank you, buddy. I'm gonna, I'm gonna use these a lot, you know.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna use these. Yeah, that's right, that's right. Good morning, everyone. It's so good to see you again this morning. Um, I'm so looking forward to how the Lord will speak to us, uh, this morning.
As, as you know, so we're going to focus on the the role of a husband, the role of a wife as defined biblically this morning. And so let's don't separate that. Again, it's high commitment, but it's based on an even higher commitment that Christ made to us. And that is why we can be vulnerable. That is why we can grow in vulnerability and transparency and laying down our lives and sacrificing our lives for the glory of the Lord, even when things are really hard in marriage.
I would be so remiss if I didn't take a minute to thank Jen. So those 3, those 5 circle drawings, they just, that's just like a month old when I felt like the Lord was putting that in my heart. So I was telling Ricky about it and Jen about it, and I had first done them on whiteboards. I did just a kind of a little test drive with just a few people in our church. And so I taught it drawing all those circles out on a whiteboard, so they were seeing it unfold.
So I asked Ricky, "Ricky, can we put like 4 whiteboards up on the platform and I'll just draw?" Which was a terrible idea, I don't write well. It's terrible. It's so ugly. And we were just talking about the impracticality of that and all this. So we finally get down to— Jen says, you know, if you'll send me those drawings, I think I can— we have a program, I guess it's Canva, that can translate them into kind of a graphic design sort of a thing.
You should have seen what I sent her. It was so— you're amazing to even offer. You're amazing at once you saw what I was sending you that you didn't send it back to me. So she took those things that I sent her and turned them into, you know, Leonardo da Vinci. I told Jen, so, you know, we're in a Hispanic culture and environment, so instead Instead of Leonardo, you're Leonardo da Vinci.
Because those are like art— to me, that was just really artwork that she did. So can we give a thanks to Jen? So good. So good.
Okay, well, we're going to turn to the Lord in prayer here.
Just a quick review. Some of the things I was learning even from last night. Is in the future, I'm going to put Scripture references in those circle diagrams because as I was going through it, you know, I think it's just easy to assume that we're all coming to a meeting from the same places, and it just helps all of us to keep being rooted in God's Word. If I'm saying anything that's not rooted in the Word of God, then it's not going to help your marriage. But if it's rooted in the Word of God, there's great hope for us.
So, you know, last night all of those circle diagrams were based on Genesis 1 through 3 and Ephesians 5. So, and for example, when we talked about God's global glory through image bearers or the marriage of His image bearers, Genesis 1:28 says, of course, we're created in God's image. And then there's that command. To be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth. And I think a lot of times we've just, we've not looked at that verse with gospel eyes.
We've looked at that verse, well, that means we're to have lots of kids. You know, the Lord wanted to fill the earth with humanity. Yeah, that was a part of it. Humanity made in His image. That's what we kind of just lose sight of.
There's a global glory that God wants to bring to Himself Himself and for our joy by representing Himself throughout the world. So Matthew 28, "Go into all the world with the gospel," that wasn't a New Testament concept. It began in the book of Genesis. That's what I hope that you'll start seeing. Wow, this Bible's a fascinating book.
Genesis 3:16, when we talked about the fall and what the fall did to the heart of a man and the heart of a woman, when we talked about about dictatorship and abdicating, and we talked about usurping and manipulating. That was rooted in Genesis 3:16, and it talks about there that I think people have read that possibly incorrectly because it talks about the husband shall rule over his wife and she shall desire her husband. And I think people have thought somehow that's instructive to how we're supposed to be living toward each other. It's actually describing what sin did to a man's heart and a woman's heart. The word rule doesn't mean kind servanthood.
It means under your thumb. It means dictators, like you keep her under your thumb, or it means abdicate her. The word desire is used one chapter more when the Lord is speaking in the situation with Cain and Abel, and he's telling Cain, sin is crouching at your door, and it's desire is for you. It's not romantic, is it? This is a desire for control.
So I just wanted to give you those little tidbits that I didn't do last night.
6 · The preacher transitions from the fall's corruption to the redemption of marriage roles in Christ
So this morning we're going to be really digging into Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3. And just as much as we've talked about dictatorship, abdication, usurping, manipulating, Oh, it's so good. Isn't it so good that when Jesus redeemed us, He also redeemed the roles of husband and wife? And that's what we're going to study today, the redeemed heart of a believer and God's redeemed marriage, vision for marriage.
7 · The preacher leads an opening prayer, thanking God for daily mercies and asking for grace for couples to grow in Christ and in representing the gospel through their marriages
Will you pray with me? Heavenly Father, we love You and we just, thanks for the mercies. Oh God, we wake up so many times and I'm I'm first and foremost aware of what I need to do and how bad I did things yesterday and the fears that I have about today and just so many things, and I just walk right past that you're waking me up with mercy. You're greeting me with mercy, mercy that's new every morning, and not just chronologically new, mercy that is specifically ordained for every need and challenge I face. Us today.
Thanks for greeting us like that this morning, and thanks for the mercy and grace you have ordained for these couples to grow in the knowledge of Christ, to grow in love with their Savior, so they can grow closer to each other in representing the gospel. So would you give us grace to make much of Jesus and to hold marriage in honor. In Jesus' name, amen. Amen.
8 · The preacher frames Ephesians 5 within the larger canonical and literary context of Ephesians 1-4, emphasizing that marriage teaching is inseparable from gospel theology
Would you open your Bibles to Ephesians 5? And also, if you'll maybe make a little mark, then we'll turn to, just really quickly, to 1 Peter 3 as well. So Ephesians 5 is the longest dialogue about marriage and instruction about marriage in the Bible. But just so you'll know, you know, when we need marriage help, it's so easy to think, okay, let's Google Bible and marriage and just look at marriage verses.
I don't know that there's any verse that doesn't somehow have some direct, some connection to teaching us how to be married. So I would put it this way. It's easy to just jump into Ephesians 5. I should have done this last night. I should have said, in addition to reading Romans 8, would you prepare for this morning by reading Ephesians 1 through 4?
Did you ever notice that Ephesians 1 through 4 is before Ephesians 5?
And I'm just, you know, life is busy. We have to get, Answers as quick as we can, and so much of what Ephesians 5 is saying is predicated, it's informed, it's based on Ephesians 1 through 4. So I hope you'll maybe take that as an assignment too, to go back and read Ephesians 1 through 4, because the Bible can hardly speak about marriage without speaking about the gospel. It just can't be done, and may that become what is becoming increasingly true of us. We can't talk about our marriage without looking back to Jesus and what all of this represents.
9 · The preacher reads Ephesians 5:18-33 in full, prefacing it with a brief exhortation on the uniqueness of Scripture as God's loving speech to His people
So Ephesians 5, so on the outline, I've got it starting at verse 25. I'm gonna actually, I drive the AV people crazy for thousands of reasons, but today, you know, I think it'd be important to start, why don't we start in verse 18 and then we'll read forward. So again, let's remember this isn't like reading any other material on earth.
This isn't a sports page. This isn't an academic book. This isn't a blog.
This is a holy God who in love speaks to His people. What a book. What a book. So hear the Word. Of the Lord.
Do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with all your heart, giving thanks also and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.
In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself, for no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ Does the church, because we are members of his body. Therefore, a man— or for this reason, right? And for this reason on the graphics. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.
This mystery— remember how marriage became a mystery thanks to sin? "This mystery is profound," but now he's essentially saying it's not a mystery anymore because of Christ's redemption. "This mystery is profound, but I'm saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."
10 · The preacher reads 1 Peter 3:7, which addresses husbands specifically, and signals that fuller exposition of the wife's role will come in the next session
And then would you turn to 1 Peter 3, and we'll look at more 1 Peter 3 in the second session in regard to the hope and, and word that it speaks to the wife. But for the husband, in verse 7, likewise husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel.
We'll unpack that since they are heirs since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. Pretty interesting, isn't it?
11 · The preacher unpacks Ephesians 5:18's command to be Spirit-filled, arguing that being Spirit-filled means being controlled by the Spirit rather than by anything else
Well, so let's dig into this this morning. The reason I started in, in, uh, verse 18 was because I think it's important to remember how being Spirit-filled is so needed in in being married in a gospel-centered way. So when Paul is talking about being Spirit-filled there, it's just easy to think, oh, does that mean spiritual gifts? Does that mean fruit of the Spirit? What does it mean to be Spirit-filled?
Well, it means to be controlled by the Spirit. It means that of all the things that tempt our hearts to be ruled by, that's why the contrast between don't get drunk with wine but be filled with the Spirit. Don't let anything else on earth control the way you think think.
Be filled with the Spirit. Be filled with the love of the Lord. Be filled with the mission of the Lord. Be filled with the character of the Lord. Be controlled by those things.
But it included submission. Did anybody notice that? It's, guys, you guys, I still feel like I've barely gotten out of first grade Christianity. Because if you were to come and ask me, describe being a Spirit-filled Christian, I don't think that one of my answers would be, oh, to be Spirit-filled is to be a submitted person. I'm under submission.
I don't think I would say that, to my shame. God, help me, help me to see that more. Being Spirit-filled includes, it's not just submission, but it's submission, and at this point, it's speaking to both men and women, and it's not just calling us, I think a lot of my Christian thinking is that I just do acts of Christianity, Here's life, and I have to respond to life with acts, A-C-T-S.
If you're from Louisiana, never mind, never mind. We lived in Louisiana for 9 years, and they use acts, or yeah, never mind, never mind. Reel it in, Billy. You guys, if I start getting chasing rabbits, do this. Do this.
It'll be okay. Come on, reel it back in, reel it back in. I do actions of Christianity. Well, that's not bad. But is that the goal of what the Bible is teaching us and what transformation and sanctification is about?
So let's say forgiveness. If I get offended or sinned against, so then at that point I'm gonna react with an act of forgiveness, hopefully. Not always very quickly. And sometimes it takes forever, it seems. But I'm gonna respond with an action of forgiveness.
You guys, is that all God's asking us to do? Just be people who do acts of forgiveness? Or is the Bible saying what I'm really trying to do with your life is to make you a forgiver? Not just somebody who does things that look like forgiveness. You're a forgiver, 'cause isn't that what becoming more like Christ is about?
Jesus forgives us because he's a forgiver, and I think there's a very similar thing here. I wanna learn what it is to be a man under authority. I'm gonna give you an illustration at the end of this session about that, but to be a man under authority, to be a woman under authority, not just in my, you have to make decisions, there's actions that come out of this, but oh God, please make it the fabric of our life. I don't wanna just do actions in a religious way, in a sterile way. I don't think the world is really attracted to that.
I think the world is attracted to people whose very character is becoming more like the character of Jesus. And you just forgive because you're a forgiver. Oh God, make it so.
12 · The preacher establishes the theological foundation for the roles of husband and wife: both share equal status, dignity, and worth as image-bearers, and both share the character quality of submission as a lifestyle
So that's where I think he's going here. So before we dig into the specific roles of husband and wife, I think it's important to accentuate what the Bible accentuates. And it's to highlight what is common to both husband and wife. So what is common to both husband and wife is their equal status, equal love, equal dignity, right? Both made in the image of God, equal worth.
But I think also what's important to mention is that there is an equality in regard to the character quality of being a submitted person unto the Lord. That's gonna set the stage. So there's a character quality of being submitted as a lifestyle. Submitted to the authority figures that God has put in place in our lives. And then it's gonna have very specific instruction because following right from that, if we just keep going and reading our Bible, be submitted to one another in the Lord, so that's a character quality that should be in all of us, but then it's gonna have specific application.
It's gonna have specific application in a wife following the leadership of her husband. It's going to have specific application in children obeying their parents. It's going to have— so you could say it's marital. It's— let's see. It's marital.
It's parental. And then you could say the last one is vocational. So it speaks of slaves and their masters, but I think we would kind of relate that today to who are you working for? Whose authority are you under? And so there's definitive structures that God has put in place for us to be submitted to, but we are to be coming at it from the— it shouldn't be such a strain for us to think about submission if we're wanting to be submitted people the way Jesus is a submitted Son of God to the Father.
And it's a joy for him to do that. Make us more like Jesus.
13 · The preacher, drawing from *The Gospel-Shaped Marriage*, explains why the Bible invites each spouse to read what God says to the other: not to demand compliance but to help each other fulfill their callings
So now we're going to get into the husband and wife stuff, There's a new book out called "The Gospel-Shaped Marriage." And so I was going through that, and there was a really helpful part in it. And the guy was asking this. He said, did you ever notice that when the Bible is being written, it totally invites women to read what God is saying to men? It totally invites men to read what God is saying to women. It's not like God says, okay, Women, close your ears for this part, 'cause I'm gonna speak to the husbands.
It doesn't say that. It's a book for all of us, right? But you know why that is? I'm gonna come down to the stage real quick, and then remember to reel me back in. Why am I reading that Jan is to submit to me and respect me?
Why should I be reading that? Well, you know, without my gospel glasses on, If I'm just looking at it from a worldly standpoint, you know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking, this sounds really good for me. Submit, woman. That works so well with me.
And that really works well. Yeah, does that work well for you guys? It's really a winner.
Oh my goodness, you want to tempt her to sin back at you? Woo! Sin. Melee, right? You know, honey, I think why God would say to have me learn what it means for you to submit and respect is so that I can make it easier for you to do that.
Because I just feel like I'm learning so much now that I wish I would have known earlier. I think it's telling me to read about your respecting me because I'm supposed to be more respectable. I need to be more respectable. To the wives, wouldn't the reverse be true? Your husband's called to love you.
Is that so? You just fold across your arms and tap your toe and wait for him to love you the way you deserve it, or Or, Lord, he's got a high call to love me. Help me to be more lovable. That's why he— we're supposed to help each other fulfill our callings, not dare each other, not demand it of each other. Isn't that just such good stuff?
Oh, see, that's why I'm excited that all you young folks are here, because you're learning this stuff in times that I never learned it. I'm 63 years old and I'm still just a baby.
Oh, you guys, okay.
14 · The preacher introduces the first characteristic of Christlike love in a husband: accountability
So with that said, now let's dig into husbands, love your wives. So Christ, Christ-like love of husband first is accountable. And we get that for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ also is the head of the church. So the implication there, and Paul accentuates this in the book of 1 Corinthians, But the implication is there is that before the husband is even mindful of what he's supposed to do for his wife, he's supposed to be most mindful of God.
Most mindful of God. Most mindful of God. I'm accountable to the Lord about how I'm called to love this precious woman who is God's daughter. She's not just your wife. That brings a difference too, doesn't it?
This is my daughter that you're talking about.
15 · The preacher illustrates accountable, protective love by recounting a moment when he confronted his sons for disrespecting their mother
I remember there was a season when our boys, as the boys get older and they get bigger and they start to outgrow mom and stuff, they get full of themselves. And there was a time we were homeschooling at that point and Jan just called me at work and she said, "You have to come home." And you know, Jan, she's one daughter with 5 brothers. She can hold her own. She can hold her own, but they were, it was a rough day.
And she said, "You've gotta come speak to these boys." And I remember this whole concept of this is God's daughter, right? So I went home and the Lord just put this in my heart as I'm driving, "Oh God, how can I speak to the boys in a way that will bring you into the picture?" I just so often just say things because I'm just aware of me and that person. And no, God, how can I bring you into this?
And so, I sat them down and I got in each of their faces, because I'm more of a hugger than a, you know, so they're kind of freaking out because I'm looking at them. And I said, "You will never speak to mom like that again, because she's my wife and I'm called to protect her, and I'm going to do that." even if it's you that challenges her. Do you know, just the other day, Josh called me. He's our youngest.
He said, "Dad, do you remember when you got in our faces and you said, 'Your mom is my wife'?" and you will not treat her that way. So I'm going, oh boy, what's coming next? Because the boys love to counsel me now.
And they tell me, Dad, I don't think that was good that you did that, or whatever, you know. Josh said, Dad, that has stuck with me, and I think about it in the way I love my wife. I want to prize her like that. I want to cherish her the way I saw you cherish Mom. When we were not.
So I think there's just something about remembering this is God's daughter.
16 · The preacher clarifies that headship is an assignment given by God for the purpose of displaying the gospel, not a statement about superiority
So verse 23, this is helpful for wives because the world caves in on you on these kind of things, and it's just so easy to interpret the Bible with the definitions the world wants to bring into it. So when it says that the husband is the head of the wife, it's an indicative statement. It's a statement of fact. This is just a declaration by God that he has given an assignment to a husband, not because leadership, that he's better, and that's why he's a leader, he's smarter, that's why he's a leader, he's stronger, that's why he's a leader.
None of that is it. It's that God, in the drama of the gospel according to marriage, this dramatization, this display of the gospel through a husband and wife, It's just that God assigned an assignment to the husband to represent Jesus in the drama of salvation displayed through marriage. It's not because he's any better or any worse. You guys spend 15 minutes with me and 15 minutes with Jan, and you're gonna come away going, Jan is smarter than Billy, Jan has more faith than Billy, Jan is way more joyful than Billy, than, you know, Eeyore Billy, you know. Jan is, she's more definitive than I am.
She can be more decisive than I am. I mean, if it's all based on talent and gifts and skill, she should be the leader. But God has called me to represent Jesus to her. So it's not because of an issue of being better or worse. The world would say that.
The world says, oh, if you're a leader, but it's not even, you can't even speak of leadership anymore without, oh, that's harsh patriarchy, or that's oppressive to women, and oh my goodness. And it's happening even in workplaces, and it's just, oh, help us, Lord. So here's kind of a quote that reinforces that. Spiritual headship is not about being in charge of two separate people, but of being ultimately responsible for the spiritual welfare of a husband and wife who are both in union with Christ and with each other. Spiritual leadership is not trying to control someone, but to serve someone toward the goal of becoming stronger followers of Christ.
So husbands, when you speak to your wives, are you speaking for them? Or are you speaking really against them? Are you contending with them? Do you want something for yourself because of what you're saying to them, or are you wanting something for them? In the book, Ricky talked about Love That Lasts by Gary and Betsy Rucucci.
Rucucci. Rucucci. Coochie, hoochie. It says, there's this phrase that says, it's not what I want from you, it's what I want for you. Oh, isn't that beautiful?
That should be, somebody ought to make a Valentine's card like that or something. Don't you think they could do a better job with cards? Come on. Give us some people that write well.
If anyone is a card writer here, thank you for what you're doing. It's hard work. Oh my gosh, okay, reel it in, reel it in.
17 · The preacher asserts that a husband's responsibility to lead is inescapable and presents it as a binary: obedience or disobedience
So as a fact of the matter, the fact of the matter is this, a husband has an inescapable responsibility to lead. God has commanded it, he's called this and he's given grace for it. So there are only two options, guys. We'll either do it well or we'll do it poorly. We'll either do it, I would even say it this way, we'll either do it obediently or we will openly disobey.
I don't know if it's doing it well or poorly. I don't even think that's really the qualifier. Are we gonna be obedient to God and trust Him to make us like His Son so that what we do is for our wives, not for us? Adam's choice to disobey God and abdicate his leadership role and indulge himself with the world resulted in him being called by God to give an account. Adam, where are you?
We talked about that last night. So how different the spiritual headship of Christ is, isn't it? He was innocent of sin. So Adam is wanting to blame it all, right? "Oh, I love her, I love her," when there was no sin.
"That woman, that woman, that woman," now that there's sin. Guys, think about Jesus on the cross. He was innocent of sin, yet accepted responsibility for our sins. Adam is going, "It's her sin, it's her sin. Blame her, punish her." That's what he was saying.
Jesus said, "Father, it's Billy's sin. Blame me." Who loves us like that?
"Count me as though I committed his evil." in order that I can present him to you dressed in my righteousness. Oh, make me more like that, Lord. To love your wife as Christ loved the church is a willingness, guys, to let the buck stop with you in regard to her spiritual well-being. Ladies, you're accountable for your personal sins.
You have to give an account to God for those. But men, we are responsible for the overall spiritual condition of the marriage.
18 · The preacher introduces the second characteristic of Christlike love: it is sacrificial
And so, that's the first part. Second part is the Christlike love of a husband is sacrificial. So, from going from being accountable, it gives us now several things. "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her." So, one word summarizes the husband's role, and it's love. That doesn't mean the wife is not called to love.
There are certainly passages that would instruct her to do that. But there's one— listen, guys, you know what I'm just discovering? You want to feed your wife's soul. Feed her the Word of God and love.
That'll be a content woman. She will be a wonderfully blessed woman. And it's then when we get to the role of the wife, ladies, the respect thing, you want to feed your husband's soul. Feed him the Word of God and respect. Isn't that wild?
There's just something about the wife knowing she's loved that just does something in her heart, and it's by divine design. A husband knowing he's respected just does something in his heart. But it's not just any love. It says Christ loved the church, and that phrase can be misunderstood as being sentimental. There's sentimental that's the first and the fruit of it, but this is covenantal.
This is committed love. This is sacrificial love. This is loving when you don't feel like loving. This is looking to God for grace kind of love. This is Spirit-filled love.
A Christlike husband is constantly remembering the agony of Christ as Christ looked down at us, looked at us as husbands. So how did he see us? He sees us denying Him, abandoning Him, betraying Him. He sees the awesome display of Christ's love for His bride because He stayed on the cross. He didn't come down.
He endured to the end. That's why we don't divorce. Let me make a comment about that.
God hates divorce, but He loves divorced people.
So if you're here and you're hearing some of these things, listen, it's just easy to look backward and just regret so much of your life. If you're gonna look backward as a result of this teaching, don't just go backward to where you fell short or where you sinned or where you, you know, don't go that, you gotta go farther back than that. Go back 2,000 years. Go back to see Jesus hanging on a cross. For you.
That's what you should look back at. Because he hates divorce, and we'll speak about that, but he loves divorced people. And so now the mercies are new, aren't they? Christ has redeemed you. And now you have a future and a hope in him.
And so these things you can be learning, and so this is just the beginning of a new life together And why does he hate divorce? Well, Jesus's love endures to the end. Divorce, for Christians, it's misrepresenting Jesus. Because Jesus promises me, "I'll never leave you or forsake you." So if I'm divorcing my wife, I'm, wow, there's a whole lot of things happening there.
But here I'm telling my kids about Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. And yet, in the way that maybe I would most represent Him, and that's by persevering till death do us part, I'm almost unsaying with my actions what I tried to teach them with my words. That's why He hates divorce. That's why it's pretty volatile in Malachi when it says He hates divorce. It's just because He's saying you're misrepresenting the hope of the world.
Look to Me. There's no hopeless marriage, is there? There's no hopeless marriage. Okay. So we need to learn to define sacrifice the way it's defined in Christ.
It's not just reactive sacrifice, guys. It's lifestyle sacrifice. I would even say it's planned sacrifice. It's intentional sacrifice. It's strategic sacrifice.
It's missional sacrifice. It's sacrifice with a view of eternity sacrifice. There's so much that should inform how we continue to lay our lives down in love for our wife.
19 · The preacher illustrates planned, anticipatory love by recounting his father's testimony that he didn't just meet current needs but planned for future ones
My dad, I'll never forget when he told me, he said, "Son," 'cause I would ask him sometimes, he loved me well, I would ask him, "Dad, how do you, you know, boy, there's so many times I've been a jerk to you. How have you loved me well? How have you continued to provide for our needs?" And he said, "Son, I didn't just try to meet the needs you currently had." I would, you know, when I go to bed at night, I would, and my dad didn't come to know the Lord till later, so he just, man, this was just a common grace I guess he availed himself of.
But he would say, "What I've done, son, is I try to plan for your needs. I try to anticipate what your needs are." That'd be a really good thing to pray for husbands and wives really, wouldn't it, in the morning? God, help me not only be aware of my spouse's current needs, help me to anticipate the possible needs they may be facing in the future. That's Christlike love.
20 · The preacher introduces the third characteristic of Christlike love: it is transformational
Husband's love is transformational, that he might sanctify her. Men, the greatest gift you'll ever give your wife is your own devotion with Christ. It's the greatest gift. You give her flowers, give her candy, and take her on great dates, getaways, but the greatest gift you'll ever give her is to let her see Jesus in you regularly. Covenant leadership recognizes that the call to leadership is a call to personal growth in holiness and repentance and humility.
And that was John Piper and Wayne Grudem that came together on that definition. That we're to hold fast to our wife. The word is, some translations say glued to your wife, cleaved. So hold fast, cleave. So somebody put it this way, we're to glue and pursue.
We're to become one with them, but always pursue them all of our married lives. So some people may just say, so you keep dating her? Well, that'd be a part of it. But what you're doing is you're gonna continue to pursue her godliness till death do you part, till Jesus comes again, whichever comes first. Jesus, the responsibility he bore at the cross for his bride's salvation continues as he serves her for her sanctification.
So, some thoughts, guys. Do you know right now where your wife needs to grow as a Christian?
Are you setting her apart to be thinking of her like that? 1 Peter 3, it says that husbands are to live with their wives in an understanding way, which means to study her. It means to study her.
21 · The preacher illustrates the call to study one's wife by engaging a couple in the audience
So what is your husband's name? Is this your husband or is this your husband?
Wait, wait. Oh, it's your husband? Okay. Because I really went, oh, I'm digging a hole right here.
That's not my husband. So it's your husband? Okay. Now I just forgot what I was going to say. Let me go back here.
Oh, love with your wife in an understanding way. So what is your name? Lauren. And what is your name? Dylan.
So Dylan, when did you get married? 11 years ago. Can you remember the day, the date? What's the date? September 1st, so it's coming up.
Great. Okay, great. So on September 1st, 19— You know what I did?
I had it inscribed on my wedding ring. You know, it gets worse as you get older. It's like, oh my gosh, when was— when were we married?
Okay. Thanks, honey.
So when you married her on September 1st, did you know you entered the University of Lauren? You enrolled in the University of Lauren. You're never going to graduate, and you don't want to. You don't want to. It doesn't mean you're failing, right?
This is a school that doesn't mean you're failing. Do you know what she's worried about over this last week? Do you know what she's worried about? Do you know what she's hoping for?
How are her friendships with other Christian women? Does she have friendships with other ladies that are pressing her on in her walk with the Lord? What is she reading? Do you know what she's reading? This is what it means to be enrolled in the University of Lauren, right?
Because we can't assume we know how she's doing. Listen, silence doesn't mean everything's good. And it's just easy as men, we think, well, she's not saying anything, must be good.
Sometimes she's not saying something, that's the worst sign. You know, that's the worst sign. So I want to encourage you, maybe as you get closer to September 1st, it's coming up really quickly. Here'd be a cute way to— to talk to her that day. Hey, I just wanted you to know I re-enrolled, you know, in the University of Lauren, and here's some specific areas that I'm going to be alert to studying.
But it's intentional, isn't it? You know, and it's just the gospel. It's just the gospel according to marriage, isn't it? Oh gosh. Okay.
22 · The preacher applies the transformational love concept to the everyday practice of sharing Scripture
So it's transformational because we're wanting to help her grow. In Christ, and that should be one of the really primary goal of a husband is to help her grow to become more and more like Christ. Talks about being washed in the water of the word. Guys, this doesn't mean any of you have to be pastors or gifted teachers. Here's what God would give you grace to do.
So again, your walk with the Lord is so critical here. As you read, what do you read in the morning? What do you read at noon? What do you read at night? And then just tell her.
Just say, honey, here's what I read in the scripture today. Here's what it meant to me today. Honey, you know what I was reading in scripture today? I think there's a word that is for you. I think this will encourage you.
That doesn't take a Bible degree. That's just love. That's just sharing what the Lord is sharing with you.
23 · The preacher unpacks the 'washing with the water of the Word' metaphor from Ephesians 5:26, emphasizing tenderness, precision, and care
Once heard, I think it was Matt Chandler say, small seeds grow big trees. Just give her— this is— sadly, I just blab so much, I don't do this very well. But really, so much of Christianity boils down to the Lord giving you one bit of Scripture for one bit of life. That'd be a good marriage. Just not overwhelming each other.
So when it says wash her with the water of the Word, it's speaking of very tender. It's almost like when there's a newborn or a young you know, a child. When you wash that baby, you don't just pour water on an infant, you know. And Ricky, do you think our church feels like that sometimes? Like, not very loving.
It's just, here you go. Sometimes I think maybe a husband can think that's what he's supposed to do with his wife is just overwhelm her with information. And no, it's a very precise, caring, washing, where it's needed, a word due in season and where it's needed. Why? Because we're looking toward that day in glory when we could— when Jesus, the picture is Jesus presenting to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, so that she would be holy and blameless.
24 · The preacher reads and applies a Tim Keller quotation that captures the eschatological vision of marriage: partnering with God in the spouse's journey to glorification
So it's looking toward that day. Let's do the Tim Keller quote. Do we have that up? Can we get that up?
Did I give it? I maybe didn't give it to you. I didn't give it to you. So this is so good. He says, "I see who God is making you, and it excites me.
I want to be a part of that. I want to partner with you and God in your journey to his throne, and when we get there, I will look at your glorified life and say, this is great, I always knew you could be like this. Isn't that great? What a way to look at our wives. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now look at you.
Look for the great things that Jesus is doing in the life of your spouse through the Word and through prayer and through the church and by His Spirit. Join God in what you see Him doing in your spouse and envision the day that you will stand together before God, seeing each other presented in spotless beauty and glory.
25 · The preacher introduces the fourth characteristic of Christlike love: it is incarnational—daily, attentive, nourishing, and cherishing
And the last part is that the love of a husband is incarnational. And that's that part where a lot of commentators say, it's like there's been so much heavenly talk in this that it's almost like God says, you know, some husbands are just going to need a more earthly example, like me. So, he says in 28 and 29, so husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself, for no one hated his own flesh but nourishes it and cherishes it, as Christ also does the church. It's meaning just daily.
You're daily mindful of her, daily mindful of her needs, daily mindful of her, but as Christ is for us. Isn't that something? That's what's most amazing. His thoughts toward us are more numerous than the sands on the seashore. He's always thinking about us.
He's always up. Into something good for us. That's the way Christ does it, and it narrows it down to two qualities: nurture her, so you're feeding her, you're protecting her, you're communicating, you're encouraging. There's some instruction, but there's also cherishing. And this is where, again, may our younger couples be learning this way earlier.
The beginning of the year, the Lord was showing me 'Cause I was asking, Lord, are there areas where I need to nurture her better, cherish her more? And he said, a way to cherish her is to listen to her. And if you ask Jan right now, one of my horrible shortcomings right now, that sounds really noble, doesn't it? It's a shortcoming, honey. It's a selfish, fearful preoccupation with so many other things That I'm with you and I'm not with you.
I told Jan, I really believe that if somebody were to say, "Does Billy love you?" I think she would say yes. But I think if you asked her, "Does Billy cherish you?" I think she'd have to pause.
Because there's so many times that she says, I told you that. I told you that. I want to cherish her better, especially if there's a decision that has to be made and I'm ultimately the buck stops here responsibility and a decision has to be made. I don't make the decision just because I'm the head and I don't talk to her. I make the decision because I've spent a ton of time listening to her.
26 · The preacher applies the incarnational listening call to decision-making in marriage
That's what it means to make— so, you know, because again, sometimes a decision has to be made and you're not always going to be in agreement. You just— it's just not. We're in a fallen world. And so somebody has to make a decision.
I want to make a decision because I've, I've said, so tell me how you see this. What scriptures are you— is God showing you that I'm maybe not seeing?
What? There are just so many things I should be asking you. How did you come to feel this way? Were there other people speaking into this? Is this something that you've studied in the past?
Did you have an experience? Maybe you're warning me about an experience you had that was so hurtful and you see us heading for that. You guys, let's say if I've really given time and care and we've prayed about it together, and I say, "What do you say?" And she says, "I think we should go down path A." And I say, "I still think it's path B." But I've done all of the above, and I say, "Honey, I think we've got to make a choice, and I'll have to give an account to God, but I think we should do path B." I think, I hope I've made it easier for her to submit to me even though she disagrees with me.
Why? Because she knows I love her. She knows I cherish her.
27 · The preacher transitions to a dramatic illustration using a Jewish prayer shawl (tallit)
So, Jan, can you peek up over the monitor? Do I have time to do the delete? Is that okay? It's such a— or should we start with it the next— Maybe start the next session with it?
Do it now? Okay. So if you've been at the seminar before, this is one of the most fun things that we do. But I need a courageous couple, a husband and wife, that would volunteer and not be afraid your hair might get a little messed up. Oh, that really sounds bad.
Oh man, Rick, I wasn't even— see, why am I a preacher?
A husband? Are you guys volunteering? You are, but your wife isn't saying anything. Yes? Yes?
Are you feeling loved at this moment? Yeah? Okay, come on up. Come on up, you guys. Come on up.
Because I think— yes! Thank you. Thank you for your bravery.
So, would you guys come and sit in this chair, in these two chairs?
And let's do this. I want you to get cozy.
28 · The preacher conducts a dramatic illustration using a Jewish prayer shawl (tallit) to picture a husband's submission to God and protective love for his wife
I think that there's been great things that just have been relegated to the level of just religious ritual. And so, you know, the Sabbath experience of, you know, Jewish husband, Jewish wife on the Sabbath, they would go through a ceremony such that I'm going to ask you guys to do, but with Christ in view, not with ceremony keeping in view. It's not legalism or anything like that. But it's such a good picture of a husband being under authority, seeking the Lord first and foremost so that he can love his wife properly. And then as we get into the session on ladies, and we're going to talk about submission because the Bible does, and it's a beautiful word scripturally.
It's not a dirty word. It's a great word. But I hope this kind of paints the picture for it. Okay? So this is the prayer shawl.
It's called a tallit. And it's just an amazing garment. And if you look on each corner of the tallit, there, it's these things are there. T-Z-I is the spelling of them, and it's two— tzitzit? I don't know quite how they pronounce it.
But, and if I could, I wish I could show you a close-up. Let me show you guys. So you see it's a series of windings, so the yarn is wound, but then it's also knotted. So these knots and windings, it's on all four corners of the garment. There are 613 laws in the Old Testament.
And the way they make this, the knots and the windings add up to 613. Every tallit, it has to be approved, it has to be, they're very serious about it. So here we go, okay? So at the dinner time, so the family's at the table and I want you to be thinking of children sitting at the table watching this. Okay.
So, the husband, right, you're the covenant leader of this, right? So, you make yourself accountable to God for the spiritual well-being of the family. So, the husband would put the tallit around his shoulders.
And at this point, what he is saying to his wife and what he's saying to his kids I want to be a man under authority. I want to be a man who keeps God's Word because the best love you'll give her will be no better than your obedience to the Lord, right? That's the greatest way you'll ever love her is, "I want to obey the Lord. I want to obey the Lord." This is already hopefully comforting to the wife because how many wives, the husband expects their submission, but you look at his life, he's constantly trashing his boss, he's constantly trashing, I mean, just authority figures, whether it's government or his boss or maybe even his pastor.
There's constantly this disrespect. I mean, you may get your job done, but your attitude is not a submitted man, right? You're kind of the king of your world. But not this man. This man is saying, "I'm a man under authority, but hey, bro, how you doing keeping all 613 of those laws?" Right?
Yeah, me too. I think I broke 612 at least this morning, you know.
So this is what he would do next. So first it's a man under authority, but he's realizing, "Oh, I can't do this." I need someone else. So, the tallit goes from the shoulders, and now he's going to put it over his head.
It's a good day to wear a hat. Yeah, no wonder. You were a great volunteer. I'll be very careful when we come to you. So, you put it over your head because this is now saying, if it's just— if this is the status of my life, I'm a lawbreaker, There's no hope.
There's no hope for me to love my family well. There's no hope for me to have an eternity with God. I need someone to cover my wrongdoing. And it was so wild because such a foreshadowing, right? Such a picture of the Messiah's coming, the Messiah's coming.
Oh, we need our Messiah to come. Well, for us, he's come, right? Isn't it so good? He's come, he loves us. But what he's doing is he's recognizing, I'm a disobedient man, I've broken God's commands, I need somebody to be a mediator between me and God.
I need somebody who would dare pay the price for my sins. You know, so that covering, right, a blood covering, but I also need a righteousness. I can't go to heaven just forgiven, I have to have an equivalent righteousness to the righteousness of God. Where's that gonna come from? Grace, right?
In the work of the mediator. So, there's amazing things happening here, isn't it? It's a reminder that God forgives sins. It's a reminder that God gives the gift of righteousness. Now, all of this is teaching you about how to love her, isn't it?
It's teaching you about forgiveness. It's teaching you about patience. It's teaching you about enduring to the end. You know, with a joy because your view is toward eternity, right? So at this point, then the husband— so get ready, here we go.
So then the husband invites his wife to join him.
He's inviting her to submit to him. He's inviting her to come under his leadership. But what has she just been witnessing? She's been witnessing a man under authority, a man who's humbled himself and said, "I need a Savior," a man who's learning about forgiveness and love so that he can give it. I want to be careful.
I can't see back here. Am I covering your face, your precious face? Yeah, got to see that precious face.
So when they would do this, the dad would sing over her. The coolest thing. Are you ready? Should I get a microphone? He just cleared his voice.
That was so cool. Oh, to say no. That was great. Oh, that was great. So my grandfather, you know, he was born in Damascus, Syria.
And so he was in the Arabic Orthodox Church. So he wasn't a Muslim. I don't know the story of why Christianity was anywhere in his worldview, but he was a chanter in the church. So, some of the singing in those Orthodox churches was more of a chanting, and it would be similar in a synagogue and those kinds of things. So, he would sing things like Proverbs 31 over her.
So, it would be something like this, "An excellent wife, who can find?" Her worth is above all jewels. Well, the kids are listening to this. So we wonder, right? We think that with the scripture that says her children will rise up and bless her.
And we think, have you ever just thought that's all on the mom? I hope I live a life that can, my children will be, that'll be blessable by my children. You know, well, praise God, seek the Lord. But you know why the kids are blessing mom? Because every week they see dad doing it.
Every week they see dad blessing mom. And this is a recognition that not only do you need Jesus to fulfill what he's called you to do, when you're bringing her under this tallit with you, you're also saying, I'm not just wanting to protect you and to give you God's God's word, you're also saying, I need you.
I need a helper because there's no way I can be the man that God wants me to be without the gift of you as my wife. Isn't that so cool, guys? Isn't that so cool? So I always reward whoever does this with this.
So here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna give you a room to yourself.
Okay, you can smooch. Go ahead and smooch.
Come on, I don't think you've smooched yet. Yes!
You guys, thank you so much. Yeah, thank them. Thank them.
29 · The preacher closes with a pastoral prayer for husbands to be made more like Jesus, to love their wives in a way that makes it easier for their children to believe in Jesus, and to bring revival through gospel-centered marriages
Let's pray. Let's pray. Oh, Heavenly Father, as a fellow husband with my brothers here today, Oh, make us more like Jesus. God, first and foremost, I pray that you'd open my brothers' eyes and hearts to more fully see and understand and experience and embrace how much you love us so that we can love our wives as Christ loves the church and not just for the good of our wives, for the godly good of our wives, but because there's a generation watching us. Lord, how we pray that our kids could grow up and later in life say, "Hey, Dad, thanks for making it easier to believe in Jesus." And it wasn't so much that you were so great in teaching God's Word or you were just to all the things you said that were so wise.
Dad, thanks for making it easier to believe in Jesus because of the way you loved Mom. Oh God, please, please, Lord. And we pray that this would result in salvations of our children, that it would affect our children's children, that this would affect, just like we read in Jeremiah, that it would affect the cities we live in, Bring revival through the gospel according to marriage. In Jesus' name, amen.
30 · Brief conclusion signaling a break before the next session
Well, we're going to take a quick 5-minute break, but to our couple that