Grace Powered Parenting - Part 1

6 · The speaker expounds Psalm 37:3-4 as a hermeneutical key for Christian living and parenting

And I think a verse that's helpful to keep in mind is Psalm 37:3-4. Trust in the Lord and do good. Dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. It's one of my favorite verses, particularly verse 3. Trust in the Lord and do good.

I love how this verse clarifies and simplifies the Christian life. And it says that in every situation, in our parenting but in everything else as well, there basically— there are aspects of that situation or aspects of our parenting that are inside our control and outside our control. And so we are called to trust the Lord with things that are outside our control and obey the Lord with things that are inside our control.

7 · The speaker, citing Paul Tripp, warns against category confusion in parenting: trusting God where we should obey (passivity) and trying to control what only God can do (presumption)

I learned this from, uh, that same guy who wrote Lost in the Middle, Paul Tripp. He wrote another book I can't remember which book this is in, maybe Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands. He talks about this. So trust in the Lord and do good. People get in trouble when they get those things backwards and they start to trust the Lord with things they're supposed to be doing. Well, I should be investing in my children, discipling them. I'm just, I'm gonna trust the Lord.

No, we need to be doing it. Or they try to do things they need to be trusting the Lord with. I am gonna make sure they obey. Um, no, we have to trust the Lord to work in their hearts. And so we want to keep those categories clear, but we need to do both of them.

Trust in the Lord and do good.

8 · The speaker signals the talk's focus on the obedience side of the trust-obey framework while acknowledging that trust bookends the entire discussion

And so in, in this talk, we're going to be primarily talking about how we obey, how we obey as parents, and how we obey and through different seasons and how we parent our children. It starts and ends with our trust in the Lord. God has provided wisdom for us for every change, every season of our children's lives, and we need to trust him to give us that wisdom. We need to ask for it, and then we need to obey him by walking out that wisdom in those various stories, various seasons.

9 · The speaker reminds listeners of the ultimate goal established in the previous session (that children would fear the Lord and know Christ) and previews the structure of the current session: dividing childhood into three broad developmental phases

Now, we talked last session about our greatest priority is that they might fear the Lord, that they might walk in the fear of the Lord, that they might know Jesus Christ and have a saving relationship with him. And so what comes here is a— is just a very rough guide. We're going to take all of childhood, basically from like infancy to I don't know, college, and break it down into 3 broad phases. And we could get much more specific with this, much more narrow, but we're going to try to walk through just 3 broad categories.

10 · The speaker establishes a crucial methodological distinction: principles (derived from Scripture) must govern practices (specific applications)

But our starting point in this has got to be the Word of God. At every point, I want to encourage you to distinguish between principle and practice. At points along the way here, if I'm forced to, I might say say some things about practice, what you can— maybe you don't have to do, but you could do as a way to walk out faithful parenting. I'm hesitant to do that because I would never want somebody to adopt my practice without understanding my principles. We have principles that emerge from God's Word. And so when I tell you that I have my kids read their Bible every morning, that's a great practice, but I hope you wouldn't go home and implement that practice without understanding the principle is I want them to learn to cherish this book.

And the way they're going to learn to love this book is by reading it. That's what Psalm 119 says. And so, you know, there are principles that underline that. I hope you see what I'm saying. So, we're going to begin with principles.

What does God's word say?

11 · The speaker acknowledges parents' desperation for practical techniques while insisting that biblical principles must ground all practice

And as parents, I know the desperation for technique. Kid won't sleep through the night. Kid will only eat Cheerios. Child's having a real hard time making friends on the soccer team. Got to make decisions about driving and cell phones. Man, just, just somebody please tell me what to do. Like, I get that, and I've been there. And as parents, we need to couple good wise practice with sound principles that emerge from this book, and that will often leave us at odds with the prevailing wisdom of the day. We need to be prepared for that. And J.C. Ryle, my man J.C. Ryle, helps us prepare for that. Really ugly cover, really good book. J.C. Ryle, here's what he says about parenting: A true Christian must be no slave to fashion if he would train his child for heaven. He must not be content to do things merely because they are the custom of the world, to teach them and instruct them in certain ways merely because it is usual, to allow them to read books of a questionable sort merely because everybody else reads them. Now just plug in, you know, movies, music, internet, whatever into that. We have other media available to us today. To let them form habits of a doubtful tendency merely because they are the habits of the day. He must train with an eye to his children's souls. He must not be ashamed to hear his training called singular and strange. What if it is? What if it is? The time is short. The fashion of this world passeth away. He that has trained his children for heaven rather than for earth, for God rather than for man, He is the parent that will be called wise at last. I hope this quote, I hope you come back to this quote, I hope you eventually buy this book if you don't have it already, I hope you read it, I hope you find your way to this quote, you underline it, you come back to it often, and I hope this quote, this idea about building on principles from God's word, I hope it puts steel in your spine because kids see what's going on out there. They want what their peers have. They want you to parent them in a certain way, which is probably much more indulgent than the Bible would call us to.

12 · The speaker applies the principle of biblical grounding to concrete parenting decisions, calling parents to courage in both questioning their children and standing against cultural or familial pressure

And we are going to need courage. Courage to ask our children, "Why have you done thus and so?" And courage to stand up to the onslaught of the world or family members or grandparents or others who might question our approach to parenting. We're gonna have to say, no, we're doing this because we have convictions that arise from the word of God. And so, um, I'm belaboring that point because I think it's really, really important as we get going. Like, scripture— we are always coming back, what does scripture say? And so at numerous points, as, as Nicole and I face decisions about parenting, we would try to ask ourselves, let's just start, what does scripture have to say about this? Is there a verse we can anchor our parenting decisions on. As we start thinking about kids are getting older, we're thinking about curfew, we're thinking about sports and how we're going to navigate. Are we going to do clubs or just rec league? Are we going to, are we going to run all over creation doing violin or other hobbies? How are we going to navigate friendships with kids in the neighborhood who are not Christians? What does Scripture say? What does Scripture say? Where can I have Guidance from God's word.

13 · The speaker frames the upcoming section on parenting young children (ages 0-5), describing the season as both exhilarating and exhausting

And so I'm going to try to give you some suggestions. So one last thing, there are many, many different applications to how we could do this for these different age groups. So what I'm saying here is that there's more we could say. These are just a few suggestions. I hope that what we talk about today will stimulate conversation, stimulate conversation between husbands and wives. With other couples, with peers the same age as you who are walking through the same thing, as well as older, more experienced parents who have done this before. You have a father-son duo on your pastoral team? That's got to count for something looking for advice on parenting. That's amazing. So there is wisdom and help available. So let's train them up in the Lord as they are changing so they won't change later. Just going back to that Proverbs 22:6 verse. So let's start with little kids. Little kids, I'm thinking here like infant through about beginning school age. So I don't know, 0 to 5-ish, something like that. Our experience with this as parents, Nicole and I, we found this time exhilarating and exhausting, as I'm sure many of you do. Exhilarating and exhausting. Parenting little children is a ton of fun. And stuff is just happening all the time. There is a lot of laughs, a lot of humorous moments. It's a roller coaster though, because you got skinned knees and you got kids who are— they're just little sinners. My father-in-law would always say, "Yeah, they're cute and corrupt." You know, that's a good way to say it. It's very true. And so may God, if you are in the season, may God give you strength. Deuteronomy 33:25, as your days, so shall your strength be. Hmm, that's a great promise for parents of young children to hold on to. As your days, so shall your strength be.

14 · The speaker introduces the first of three priorities for parenting young children: establishing parental authority

So a couple priorities for this, this age. I'm going to give you 3 priorities for each of these, each of these age groups. I'm going to talk through 3 different priorities and then a couple ways you could apply it. So first priority, for little kids. Number 1, establish authority. Establish authority. And Ephesians 6:1-3, children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. There are several times where God addresses children directly through the Apostle Paul or through Solomon or others. And when he does, God has a lot to say to our children about obedience. Children, obey your parents in the Lord. Honor your father and mother. This is the first commandment with a promise that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land. This is so important that it's one of the Ten Commandments. There's only 10 of them, and this is one of them. Like, kids, one of them, one-tenth of the Ten Commandments is for you. I mean, I think it's for us as adults too. The way I honor my parents now is important, but not as important as when I was I mean, wow, that's huge. And look, that it may go well, it comes with a promise that it may go well with you, that you may live long in the land.

15 · The speaker applies the biblical principle by describing how he warns his own children that disobedience is a "ticket to a hard life" because it puts them in opposition to God

I tell my kids often, like, look, do you want a hard life? How about it? You want a hard life? You want God to be on the other team? I think you're going to lose. You know what? You want a ticket to a hard life? Don't honor your mom and dad. Disrespect your mother. Disobey every chance you get. Ticket to a hard life. Ticket to a hard life. So we need to teach our children that if they obey, they will experience God's blessing.

16 · The speaker illustrates the principle of obedience bringing blessing by referencing a diagram from Tedd Tripp's book showing a "circle of blessing

In that book, Age of Opportunity— I'm sorry, I keep saying the wrong book— Shepherding a Child's Heart, there is a circle. There's a little diagram in there. There's a circle, there's a little stick figure inside that circle. That is the circle of blessing. Children, if you stay inside that circle of blessing, God's blessing comes down on you. The way you stay in there is by obeying and honoring your father and mother. You get outside that circle, you experience the hard life that God promises you. You can see this in the life of Israel. When they obeyed God, they stayed in the Promised Land, and there they experienced God's rule and blessing. They disobeyed God, or they got outside of the Promised Land, God exiled them to Assyria or Babylon, and they experienced opposition from God. And so we see that on, on every level.

17 · The speaker quotes J

So kids, do you want a hard life? J.C. Ryle again, obedience, he says, obedience is the only reality. It is faith visible, faith acting, faith incarnate. It is the test of real discipleship among the Lord's people. That's as true for adults as it is for children. So obedience is the only reality.

18 · The speaker acknowledges the exhausting reality of constantly issuing commands to young children and introduces a key piece of practical wisdom: aim for as few rules as possible, but enforce them consistently

Now, this can feel complicated. Think about our kids and obedience, especially when they're little. Man, you're just like, constantly having to issue commands. Don't touch that. Put that down. Come over here. Go over there. Sit down. Get down off of that thing. Would you get up? Let's go. I mean, we're always just command after command, and it's wearisome just to be issuing that many commands and having to think through what to say so often. And so there is wisdom available to us here, and one of the pieces of advice that somebody gave us early on was one of our goals in parenting small children, we wanted to have as few rules as possible consistently enforced.

19 · The speaker explains the rationale for limiting rules: too many rules become unmanageable, leading to inconsistent enforcement, which frustrates children

I found that rules just like— it was easy to— man, rules are like, I don't know, what am I trying to compare it to? Bunnies or something. They just— there's just tons of them before you know it. You've got all kinds and stuff you never thought you would have to make a rule about. Like don't touch Daddy's stapler I mentioned in the last session. But I mean rules— no, son, you may not put yogurt in your ear or any food. Let's just say any food. Let's just make it— no, no food. Food does not go in your ear. Rule. OK, got it? No, rule. We had all kinds of rules in our house. And you probably have too. And just rules you never thought you would have to make. But one of the most helpful pieces of advice we got— try to have as few rules as possible. But enforce them consistently. Here's why. The more rules you have, the more rules you have to keep track of. The more rules you have, the more rules you have to enforce. And the more rules you have to enforce, the harder it is to enforce them consistently, and the more frustrating it will be for your child when you don't. And so it's wisdom to say, what are the couple of things that we're really gonna aim at right now?

20 · The speaker illustrates his principle with a personal story of how he and his wife would regularly (quarterly or bimonthly) set aside time to discuss which rules to prioritize, accepting that some less important behaviors would have to slide

And Nicole and I would have a, Gosh, we would probably do this when our kids were younger. We did even more often, maybe quarterly, I don't know, every other month. We would take a date night or a part of an afternoon on a weekend and we would just talk through like, all right, what are we dealing with right now? What is the thing right now that we need to work on? And let's focus on that. Does that mean there's going to be some other stuff that's going to slide? Yeah. You know what? If we get yogurt in the ear, the Lord gave us washcloths. It's going to be okay. We're going to focus on a couple of things and we're going to— we're going to— but we're going to enforce those consistently so that our children know what we're about, that we are okay. When mom says, you look her in the eye and you say, yes, ma'am. Or when dad says, come, we, you know, you come here. And so we, we wanted to be really— we would just— we would try to tell our kids, okay, here are the things we are really paying attention to.

21 · The speaker describes asking his children what rules they think are most important, using their answers as a teaching opportunity

What are the— Sometimes we would ask our kids, what do you think are the rules that are really important to Daddy and Mommy? That was interesting. We would get some very, you know, no screaming in the car. That is important to me. Yeah. Okay, let's keep that one on the list. But then we would want to do our list match up. Okay, here's a chance to instruct a little different. Let me explain. Here's a couple things we want to think about. We always— I'm sure you've heard something along these lines. We taught our kids to obey immediately, completely, willingly. The way we said that to them was, "All the way, right away, with a happy heart." Some people say cheerful heart. Hey, cheerful, happy, either way, I'll take it. All the way, right away, with a happy heart. Some people add every time. But we were required of our kids obedience.

22 · The speaker draws out the first implication of the principle: if you require obedience, you must follow through on every command

But that does mean if you're going to give a command, you've got to follow through on it. You got to follow through. So there's a couple implications to this. First, the priority of preparation. Priority of preparation. Just talked about that. Nicole and I, all right, have rules but not too many. Focus on essentials.

23 · The speaker describes using role-playing to train his son to come when called, progressively increasing difficulty from a closed hallway to a living room to outdoors over several weeks

Next, the role of role-playing, especially with little kids. Kids this age, you can get a lot of mileage out of a little bit of role-play. And so when we were trying to teach our kids, hey, come, come to daddy. My son, you know, it's like squirrel. It's one of these things that he's just, just kind of flighty, hard to get him to pay attention, trying to teach him to come. So we had a hallway in our house where we could close doors, and it was just like I'm at one end of the hall, Nicole's at the other end, and we would just practice like, all right, you're down here with me. Nicole says, come to Mommy, and he thinks about it. What are we going to do? All right, and finally he goes down there, and oh yeah, we celebrate, you know, applause. Woo, you did it! Now let's try again. Come to Dad. We would practice that in the hallway. Practice. He can't go anywhere else. There's nothing else to look at. He got good at that. We would practice it in the living room. Now we're in opposite corners of the room. There's other stuff in the room creating— and we moved outside. Let's practice this outside. This is taking place over a couple of weeks. You know, we're just— we're doing this multiple times. And eventually we got to the place, hey, come here. Right over. Bam. Look at that. It was amazing. But we trained him into that. It took time and it took effort. Role-playing is valuable.

24 · The speaker describes another role-playing technique: acting out disobedience at the breakfast table to help children see the difference between right and wrong attitudes

I would also often role-play with them attitude. We would often do this around the breakfast table. It's just really funny. I'd be like, hey guys, we're gonna— let's play a game. Mommy is gonna pretend to be Mommy and I am gonna pretend to be Jack. And so I would have— we would prep ahead of time. She would give me some command, you know, sort of pounding it, you know, just play it up, right? And they thought it's hilarious. I'd be like, oh, did Jack— so why are you laughing? Did Jack do something wrong? And Jack's like, yeah, that's not obedience. Well, what is obedience? Show me what obedience looks like. Kids love it. They love that stuff. And it's really tangible. Remember that training children this age, they're concrete thinkers, much better at concrete than abstract thinking. And so the more you can put in front of them, help them see it, the better.

25 · The speaker warns against overusing verbal warnings with young children because warnings can inadvertently train children that delayed obedience is acceptable

So the more consistent you are in this instruction, the more confident you will be in your correction. And just a warning about warnings. When in the last talk we talked about warning, you know, kind of paired up there with teaching. I'm thinking in that verse primarily as a function of teaching, like with a little bit older child, there we're talking warning is like, look, consider, you know, consider the wayward woman, son, if you do see what— that's the kind of warning that verse has in mind. With little, little kids, we want to be really careful with warnings because warning a child, look, if you don't shape up, this is what will happen to you. There's a place for that, but we want to— there's a potential in there to train them that delayed obedience is okay. And instead, we need to train them, you're gonna need to stop that right now, and see, do they do it or not? And so, point is, be clear, be consistent, follow through.

26 · The speaker illustrates the cost of following through on obedience with a story about his son disobeying his grandmother

That clarity and consistency and then the follow-through We had a multi-generational home in Virginia. My parents lived with us. We bought a house together because for a variety of reasons, and mom would often take Jack and go over to do little playdates over at friend's house and things like that. And so we realized though Jack would, he didn't like to obey Mimi sometimes. Well, especially if it was time to go, mainly if it was just time to go, he did not like to obey. And Nicole and I realized if we're going to let him do this, we're going to have to follow through. We're gonna have to enforce force that when it's time to go, he's got to go. And I was pastoring and we lived nearby the church, so Mom took Jack over to a friend's house. Jack didn't want to obey. She said, it's time to go. He just stayed there, kept playing. She said, okay, have it your way. She walks in the other room, she texts me. I was not far away, so I stopped what I was doing, sermon preparation or something, and I get in the car and I come over. And I get there and Jack's still in the corner playing. My mom's like, yeah, he wouldn't come. So I just came in the room and cleared my throat and I could just see him go like this. Like he just, he knew it was coming. That was, that was time out of my day. I mean, I had to leave work and come do it, but we had decided that's what it would cost. That's what it would take to follow through on that.

27 · The speaker acknowledges that not every parent's circumstances allow for the level of follow-through he demonstrated in his story, but insists that the principle remains: parents must be willing to do what it takes to enforce their commands consistently

Now, it might not always be that dramatic for you or your circumstances might not allow for that, but we have to be willing to do what it takes to follow through. To have as few commands as possible, as necessary as possible, but consistently enforced.

28 · The speaker introduces the second priority for parenting young children: developing a Godward orientation

Second then, second priority for this age is develop a Godward orientation. So start with obedience first, establish authority, and then develop a Godward orientation. Now you might ask, wait, shouldn't this come first? Like, I don't know, we're Christians, right? Don't we want to begin here? We'd say yes, sort of, but You get to number 2 through number 1. It's by establishing authority that we're able to develop in our children's hearts a Godward orientation. Again, children are much more concrete rather than abstract thinkers. And so the idea of loving and serving and obeying God— where is God? How does God see? Like, that's very hard to get across to a child. And so the Lord has designed it this way. God has given children parents as training wheels. I mean, that's really what parenting is, is you are the training wheels for your child, that by learning to obey and love you, they are learning to obey and love God. And soon those training wheels will come off, and you will be able to step out of the way of that authority because your child will be under God's authority and will know and love and serve him directly. That's our goal. And so we need to establish that authority in order to stir up in them a Godward orientation. Elizabeth Elliot, in one of her books, said obedience is the gateway to joy. Obedience is the gateway to joy.

29 · The speaker explains that children learn to obey God primarily through their parents' example

So the Bible tells us to teach our kids to obey because this is how they learn to obey God. Some of this comes through example, some of this comes through instruction. So first it comes through your example. Children won't go where you don't lead them. And so it's very important that if you're going to inspire in our children and call our children to a real and thriving relationship with the Lord, that we have that ourselves. Not perfect, not flawless, of course not, we're sinners, but that we're striving for that, we're growing in that, we're pressing into that. It is great. There is— what could be better in the life of your child than for him or her to wake up earlier than normal one day and come padding into your room and find you there with your cup of coffee and your open Bible, or to find mom and dad in there praying together. That's profound. To start a meal by praying together. Our family, we sing meals, we sing the doxology together and then we pray at every meal, which is amusing because music is not my spiritual gift, but I'm called to lead as a father, so I've said, "All right, guys, you're just going to follow me, and wherever we start today, that's where we're going." I don't sing well, but I do sing loud. So you're just going to have to do it. And so, but we've— those are the kinds of— we want our children to see our love for the Lord, to see us worshiping passionately on a Sunday morning, to see us giving sacrificially to the church or to other needs in the church, to see us laying down our lives in serving our brothers and sisters. I mean, there's so many different ways that this works out. So they get that through example.

30 · The speaker describes how children also learn through direct instruction about Jesus and the biblical story

They also get that through instruction, and so we have the opportunity to teach them about Jesus, teaching them the story of the Bible. I'm so grateful for Marty Machowski's books. I hope you know his name. Old Story New, Long Story Short, God's Story Bible, or something like that. It's been a while since we were reading these books, but we used to just— this was our daily devotions. We would go through I would have the kids do their own quiet time. I would do my— I would read my Bible. And then at breakfast, we would go through Marty's stuff. And it's just laid out for like family devotions. It makes it super easy. And they're outstanding. We're teaching them what it means to know and love God.

31 · The speaker introduces the third priority for parenting young children: showering them with affection

So our priorities for children: establish authority, develop a Godward orientation, and then with this age, then also shower them with affection. Shower them with affection. There are two sides to this. The first, on the first side, is just show them lots of affection and lots of love. They are little kids. This is easy to do because they're just cute and fun and they're coming in with, you know, they're probably drawing you pictures and coming in with their crayons and everything. That's heartwarming. I love that stuff.

32 · The speaker shares a humorous personal anecdote about his daughter drawing him as a bald eagle "because your nose is so big," illustrating the innocent charm of young children that makes showing affection easy and natural

My daughter, when she was in this age, she liked to play the game like, what animal are you? Like if you were an animal. And so she comes in one day with this very elaborate picture. And her 5-year-old, probably 4 or 5-year-old, she had drawn this very elaborate picture of a bald eagle. She brings it in to me. She said, "Daddy, if you were an animal, you would be a bald eagle." Oh dear, that's— thank you, sweetheart. Is that because Daddy has no hair? She goes, "No, it's because your nose is so big." So I'm like, oh great. How can you not love that? That's amazing. So I kept that. I've got it. You know, that's— I love it. It reminds me of that. I love that story.

33 · The speaker expounds a lengthy quotation from J

But here's what J.C. Ryle says about it. Love should be the silver thread that runs through all your conduct. Listen to this. Kindness. Think about— overlay these words onto parenting. Kindness, gentleness, long-suffering, forbearance, patience, sympathy, a willingness to enter into childish troubles, a readiness to take part in childish joys. These are the cords by which a child may be led most easily. These are the clues you must follow if you would find the way to his heart. Few are to be found, even among grown-up people, who are not more easy to draw than to drive. It's a great, great word. It's the power that love can have.

34 · The speaker introduces the second aspect of showering affection: exercising self-control to avoid anger, impatience, and harshness

On the other hand, so showering affection, two sides. One, we want to be positive and showing our affection. On the other hand, we need to be self-controlled, and we need to exercise self-control and resist the temptation to anger, to impatience, to outbursts with our children. It's an important word for parents. We need to think carefully about this and assess ourselves honestly. Think how often— this is good for husbands and wives to say to one another, I promise I won't get angry if you give me an honest assessment. How do I do with being patient with the kids, with kind of getting down on their level, with not showing my irritation when we're trying to get to church? We were just talking about how hard it is to get out the door. It's like It's like the devil works against you. Everything— our house runs really, really smoothly until it's time to go, and then the wheels fall off. I see some nods. Yeah, there's— get a good amen. There's— it's just— it's— I don't know. And so, what do you mean you don't know where your other shoe is? You've got one shoe. Where did that shoe come from? It was in the backyard. Okay, you know, they're kids, man.

35 · The speaker expounds another lengthy Ryle quotation warning against anger and harshness in parenting

So We need to guard against this. And again, J.C. Ryle, he says, "Love is one grand secret of successful training. Anger and harshness may frighten, but they will not persuade the child that you are right." That's important. Anger and harshness will not persuade the child that you are right. "And if he sees you often out of temper, you will soon cease to have his respect. A father who speaks to his son as Saul did to Jonathan need not expect to retain his influence over that son's mind." Try hard to keep a hold on your child's affections. It is a dangerous thing to make your child afraid of you. Anything is almost better than reserve or constraint between your child and yourself, and this will come in with fear. Fear puts an end to openness of manner. Fear leads to concealment. Fear sows the seed of much hypocrisy and leads to many a lie. There is a mine of truth in the apostle's words to the Colossians: "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged." Let not the advice it contains be overlooked. It's wisdom. I'm reading these big quotes to you from Ryle because it's so good. By the time we're done, I will have just about read you the whole book.

36 · The speaker summarizes the two-sided nature of showering affection (positive expression and self-control) and emphasizes that doing both establishes and preserves trust and open communication with children

So, but he's very, very wise. On the one hand, show affection. On the other hand, exercise self-control. The effect that doing those two things can have on our children and on our relationship, the establishment and preservation of trust. Of an open communication with them is profound.

37 · The speaker encourages parents to create memories by surprising and delighting their children, using his father-in-law's "pajama run" for ice cream as an example

And then along the way, have fun and make memories together. My father-in-law talks a lot about surprise and delight, loves to use that phrase, surprise and delight. And so Nicole told me about how her parents would, they would tuck them all into bed at night, get them all PJs, bed and everything, lights out. And they'd go outside, they wait about 2 minutes, they come back in, hey, Who wants ice cream? Everybody in the car, pajama run, we're going to Baskin-Robbins, or, you know, whatever it was. And what does a kid love more than going to get ice cream in his pajamas? That's the best. So what are ways— that's gonna be different at different ages— what would surprise and delight your children? And don't underestimate the power of mundane pleasures. This doesn't always have to be the big, hey, we're going to Disney World. I mean, that's once in a lifetime, maybe that's great, but I got 4 kids that are all teenagers, they still love to be around the dinner table and to read together. I got a 19-year-old and 18-year-old boys that still like for me to read to them. So we do. They like to go on walks through the neighborhood, so we do. Bike riding after dinner, things like that. They're just— we play, you know, Uno or whatever. There's so many ways. We don't always have to sit down and watch a movie. We'll just look for mundane pleasures. What are ways you can surprise, and delight.

38 · The speaker transitions to the second developmental phase: school-aged children (roughly 5-12)

So many more things we could say on that. That's an introduction. What about school-aged children? I'm thinking here about 5 to 6-year-olds up to like preteen. Preteen, you start getting into 11, 12, you're kind of straddling this category and the next category. So there'll be some of this, depends on the kid, right? Some kids kind of grow up a little earlier than others, especially if they have older siblings. Depends on what's going on. But our experience with this, things start getting busier, start getting busier outside the home. School and scheduling. It's a different kind of exhausting. Little, little kids are just physically exhausting because you're like, get in the car seat, you know. That's, that's hard work. Kids this age, it's a different kind of exhausting because you're talking more, you're, you're going places more. New challenges, but an opportunity to experience a new kind of grace. And so many wonderful opportunities here to really start developing a friendship with your kids as they're growing They're starting to communicate on a much more profound level, so it's a season of opportunity.

39 · The speaker introduces the first priority for school-aged children: teaching them God's Word

So 3 kind of broad principles here. And again, these principles, this is not scripture, all right? These principles I'm giving you is the kind of the combination of the distillation of quite a bit of reading on parenting as well as what I hope is just sanctified experience. And I'm passing on what I've got from others along the way. So number 1, teach them God's word. So, in this age, this is an age to teach them God's Word. This is an age where kids soak up everything. It is shocking how much a 6, 7, 8, 9-year-old can absorb. It is amazing. So, like leverage that. Use that to your advantage. I mean, not just like books of the Bible, but what is the story of the Bible? Who are the characters of the Bible? When did this stuff happen? Start teaching them the basics of systematic theology. You might be like, what? School-age kids? Yes. Marty Machowski has a book called Theology, and it's an introduction to systematic theology for children. It's amazing. So think about that.

40 · The speaker expounds Proverbs 13:20 to establish a broad definition of "companions" that includes not only peer friendships but also books, media characters, and music

So this also means that we need to be wise and careful about their education, but their education here, not only what they get in school— again, back to Proverbs 13:24— 13:20, whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm. So we need to think about who are their companions. And when we think about Proverbs 13:20, it's important that we think about companions not just in terms of other kids. Companionship comes in many different forms. Books are companions. Characters in TV shows and movies are companions. Music is a companion. There are many, many ways that our children form companionship, for good or ill, that don't necessarily involve other peers, other children.

41 · The speaker applies the principle of careful companion selection to digital access, urging parents to think carefully about cell phones, tablets, and screen time

And so particularly want to think about in this age, want to think carefully about access and devices and think about cell phones and tablets or whatever else. And we can talk more about that in Q&A, but I would just encourage you to be wise and to think very carefully about digital access and what kids are seeing and doing and who they're talking with and how much. And particularly to think about that in light of that earlier Ryle quote I read, that not being a slave to the fashion of the age. Just because every other 9, 10, 11-year-old on the block has an iPhone doesn't mean that your children need to. Might be wisdom, it might not, but you're gonna have to pray about that. Again, there's principles that need to drive that practice.

42 · The speaker describes various methods for teaching children to think scripturally: asking them what Scripture says about situations, drawing on their existing biblical knowledge, discussing devotional readings at dinner, debriefing Sunday sermons and children's ministry classes, and sharing sermon highlights

And so we're teaching them in lots of ways. We need to be teaching our children, as we're teaching them God's Word, we are teaching them to ask, what does Scripture say? Our kids often have maybe more Bible in them than we give them credit for. And so those are great conversations to have, to start asking, what do you think God's Word says? Can you think of any verses? Do you think of any stories from the Bible that might give us insight into this? And so as we're doing that, we are training them to begin ordering their lives according to the Word of God and to be thinking scripturally. We're teaching them the gospel, reading God's Word, praying with them. You have baked-in opportunities to do this all the time. Hopefully you can do it from your own devotional reading around dinnertime. Say, hey guys, kids, what were you reading in your quiet time? Here's what I was reading in mine. Talk about that. But you've got Sunday mornings. I mean, the drive home, lunch on Sunday. What did you guys think about the sermon? Or if they're in class, what did you guys talk about in your children's ministry class? What'd you learn in there? Think about a sermon. What is a nugget? What is a line or a sentence or paragraph that you could take and infuse into your children and pass on to them and discuss with them? You don't have to develop a curriculum on your own. You don't have to be the next Marty Machowski to do this. You can have spiritual conversations with your children just from what's going on around you every day.

43 · The speaker emphasizes that parental example profoundly influences school-aged children, who act as "little mirrors" of their parents

And then our example is a profound influence. Kids are watching and imitating. This is not unique to this age, but they are watching and imitating. You start to see this in more significant ways, I think, in these school-age years. It's like they're little mirrors. And there's been more than one time Nicole and I have commented on some aspect of our kids' character. I might say something about one of Jack's temptations or Jude's temptations, and like Nicole would tell me, yeah, where do you think they learned that? Like, what? What are you talking about? She's like, yeah, you— oh boy. So you know where I'm going. That's revealing. And so we want to model for them every chance we get. How do we walk in godliness with them?

44 · The speaker addresses conversion and baptism, urging parents to discuss in advance what they're looking for in genuine conversion and when to pursue baptism

And again, how to talk and think about conversion and baptism. I think it's very important first as husband and wife that you talk together, ideally before you even get to the age that this is a question, that you have talked together through what are we looking for, how are we going to discern genuine conversion in our kid's life, and how are we going to know when it's time for baptism. Those are great conversations to have, questions your pastors love to discuss with you. And there's not necessarily a right or wrong here. I've known I know of churches that don't baptize anybody under 18. They just don't do it. I'm not sure I would do it that way. If that's your policy here, great. I support you in that because there's not a verse we can point to on it. I've known other churches that any kid that gives a believable profession of faith, and that believable is important, but they'll baptize them. And they get some pretty young kids sometimes getting baptized. I think, ah, I might wait a little bit. A kid who is genuinely converted will not be unsaved by delaying baptism, but many a kid who is not converted will gain false assurance that they later abandon by being baptized too early. So you just want to think about that. Not that we're rolling the dice with our children, but there is a kind of risk-reward that we need to think through. Is this wise, and how confident am I that this is a believable profession of faith. Again, we can talk more about that in Q&A if you like.

45 · The speaker introduces the second priority for school-aged children: growing the parent-child relationship

So teach them God's Word. Secondly, grow your relationship together. I don't know where this came from, but when I was a boy, I just— I remember the phrase quality time becoming a thing. I don't know whose idea this was, but somebody— I just remember hearing that phrase quality time. Dads need to be spending quality time with their kids. Yeah, absolutely. Quantity time is important too, so we need both. Having a relationship with our kids, growing them into that friendship, your son or daughter being confident that mom and dad are for me, that they listen to me, that they're here to help me, that takes time. It takes time to establish that.

46 · The speaker illustrates relationship-building through time investment with examples from his own parenting: his wife spending hours debriefing with their daughters after school (even when it delays dinner) and using driving practice time with his sons to have conversations about work and relationships

And so right now my two daughters are 13 and 15, and Nicole teaches at the the little school where I'm a headmaster. So we get home, we live less than half a mile away from the school. So we get home at like 3:30 and she'll just go like debrief with the girls. And sometimes it's 10 minutes and sometimes dinner's late because they're talking for hours about what happened that day. Sometimes it's like, all right, I'm just making French toast because it's the only thing I know how to make and I'm making dinner and that's it. So they try not to have too many rough days in a row because nobody wants to eat French toast like 5 days a week. But that time, that investment, you know, as the boys are learning to drive, that's been great. It's like, hey, we're going to go get you some hours behind the wheel. And as we're driving around, all right, so tell me, how's it going at Chick-fil-A? Tell me about who's that girl you were chatting with when I came over to get a milkshake the other day and you were chatting with that girl in the— tell me about that. What's her name? Where is she from? You know, those are— we're talking about that.

47 · The speaker describes his "kid parade" practice: cycling through one-on-one conversations with each child after dinner to ask about their day, temptations, and activities

I used to do again, practice, not principle. But I used to do a thing called kid parade. So I'd come home from work at the end of the day, we'd eat dinner, and then afterwards, kid parade. Just, all right, bring a kid on into my study. Hey, how was your day? Uh, any particular temptation today? How'd it go, man? Mom, we talked about that yesterday. All right, and, uh, did you— how'd your test go? Uh, whatever, you know, we just— sometimes it was— all right, then I tell them, okay, you— now you can go. Now send in the next one. And so I would just cycle them through. And some days we'd get through all 4 of them in 15 minutes, and some days I'd only get one of them because that would go on quite a while. Some days they would just know, like, yeah, Dad's not talking to me tonight, I'm off the hook, because I was talking to a sibling. So there's a lot of ways that this can happen.

48 · The speaker applies the relationship-building priority to peer friendships, advocating that parents establish themselves as their children's closest friends and first source of wisdom

And in terms of growing your relationship together in these— the school age, you know, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th grade, We want to be building into our children the priority of parents before peers. Priority of parents before peers. Peers for little kids is like, it's just playdates, right? You're just getting on the playground and they're almost interchangeable and they have their buds, but it's like any little kid will do. Like you're just going to run around and we're going to play in the sandbox and we're going to tag and, you know, whatever. But I don't know when it happens. It's probably different for each kid. You know, first, second, third grade, like having a friend and my best friend is like, that becomes a thing. And It can be a very emotional, a very time-consuming aspect to your child's thought life. And so we want to help them though to put that in its proper place and to understand what is the nature of friendship, what should we expect from friendship, and who should your closest friend be. And we found it's often you can reinforce this for one another. I would say to my girls, who is the best friend you got? Your mom is the best friend you got. Nicole would say to my boys, your dad, he is going to be your best friend you've got. He's gonna be with you the rest of your life. And we're just trying to build them into each other because we want to train our children in the habit of looking to mom and dad first for wisdom. And we'd be teaching them like, you should not be talking to your friends about some problem or issue that you haven't talked to me about first. Like, we're gonna handle that. Like, if you have— come talk to me, we'll handle that. We're going to talk through that. God has put us in families, and so we want to train them to walk with the wise.

49 · The speaker extends the relationship-building priority to sibling relationships and church relationships

And then also an extension of that is siblings, teaching them to enjoy and to love their brothers and sisters. Family dinners are one way that that happens. We— a tradition we inherited from Nicole's family is at birthdays, if it's somebody's birthday, everybody else in the room, we're going to honor that kid. And you need to say, what are you thankful to God for? Where have you seen God's We've seen them grow. First, so encouraging in the birthday kid's life, but it forces them to be thinking, what is something good we can say about it? Then we realize, well, that only happens once a year. Like, we should do that more often. So we would, you know, just— we'll just spring it on them sometimes. And then think about relationships in the church as well. Just hospitality is such a wonderful way to build friendships in the church. And I'm going to talk more about that actually in the— talk a little bit about that tomorrow in the sermon. So where are— be thinking through where are your child's relationships in this age and who are those relationships with?

50 · The speaker introduces the third priority for school-aged children: continuing to require obedience while recognizing the shift from authority to influence

Third principle, third priority here. So teach them God's word, grow your relationship together, and then for school age, thirdly, requiring obedience. It is tempting, I think, in this age to start letting off the gas. Of obedience. But be very careful with that because they are still required to obey you, and there are— we want to continue building habits of children listening to dad and mom, heeding their wisdom and instruction. It's starting to look a little bit different. Okay, also in that book, and let me get it right this time, Shepherding a Child's Heart, in the section on teenagers, there's a graph that he calls this very catchy phrase, the the authority influence continuum. Basically, just, all right, think of a simple chart and along the x-axis is time, you know, from age 0 to age 18. Or when you get the book, just cross out 18 and put in maturity, Christian maturity. Cross out 18. 18, nothing special about 18. And you have authority starts way high, and as you go, it's coming down like this. And influence starts way low, and as you go, it's going like this. And the idea there is that over time, little kids, your authority over them is really high. They will go where you want them to go because you can pick them up and strap them into the car. You decide, theoretically, you decide what they eat, sometimes if they eat. You decide, you know, when they play. Like, you have control over a little kid's life, but the minute they're born, you're slowly, slowly losing that control Right? My 18-year-old, I can't— he's a strapping young man. I can't pick him up. I tell him, I mean, I'd still take you, but it's getting harder. And but on the flip side, my influence is going up. With a little kid, I can't influence. You can't talk a kid out of a crying fit. That's not going to work. You can explain to them all day long why they can't have that toy and it's not a good idea and because you're trying to avoid them, but materialistic impulse in their hearts and you want to train them in contentment and they're just still crying. Like, why would we not stop crying? There's a great explanation. You can't talk them out of it. Your influence is very low. But as they age, your opportunity for influence is going up. And that's why you don't spank an 18-year-old, right? Because I'm not trying to— it's not going to work. But I'm not trying to exert my authority. Instead, I'm going to talk it— let's talk this through. And, you know, my kids now, they're teenagers. They know that discipline in their life means words. It means conversation. It means we're gonna sit down, we're gonna work this through. What did you want? Why did you text that to that girl? Do you realize how that was unwise? Or whatever it is, you know. So it's a different kind of discipline. So we're still requiring obedience here, but recognizing that we're on the move, right? This graph, I think it's really helpful. I don't know, I didn't put that in the outline, did I? That out, okay, sorry. It's in the book. That graph is really helpful because These things are changing. One is going down and one is coming up, but it's not— it's despite what the way it looks in the book, it's not linear, right? It might be like this and then like this and this, and it's— you're trying to find your footing. It's always a matter of prayer and wisdom, and so we're still requiring obedience.

51 · The speaker transitions to teenagers, describing this season as requiring tremendous faith

All right, so now on to teens. All right, again, more I could say here in every one of these categories, just a few suggestions. Um, okay, so I got 4 teenagers. Which is awesome. It's amazing. I love it. Until February, I got 4 teenagers. And I will say parenting teenagers, it takes a lot of faith. Parenting kids of any age, it takes faith. Parenting teenagers takes a lot of faith. It's very different than when they're little. I have a lot less control over their environment and their world. We're just talking about that. I mean, my son, It goes— my oldest son now goes to college in Idaho. I can track him. I can see on my phone where he is on the map, but I don't know what he's doing any moment. Like, he's out. And, uh, but I get a lot of opportunities for influence with him. The stakes are high. My son is driving a car. Both of my sons are driving cars. They both own their own cars now. But the opportunities The opportunities are even more exciting because children in this age, they can and do come to real saving faith. They may start getting insight about what they want to do with their lives, what God has called them to do, where they're headed. They might meet someone who one day will be the future Mr. or Mrs. That's all amazing, but it takes faith. It takes a lot of faith.

52 · The speaker introduces the first priority for teenagers: training them to live for Christ independently

These kids this age, they're learning to understand for themselves what the gospel means. They start feeling their own— Lord willing, they start feeling their own sense of sin and their obligation to the Lord. And they start maybe, hopefully, Lord willing, having a desire for repentance and faith. And so again, 3 principles. First, we are training them in this age to live for Christ. I think with teenagers— and I don't have a number for you here, this doesn't turn on right at 13— but In the teenage years, we are beginning to transition from just, you have to learn to obey. Let's start. It's time to start experimenting with the training wheels off. Son or daughter, it's time for you to begin to live for Christ, to love Jesus. I'm thinking here of 2 Corinthians 5:15. Christ died for all that those who live might no longer live for themselves, but for him who for their sake died and was raised.

53 · The speaker illustrates the varying responses of teenagers to the gospel with his two sons: one who wanted to obey but struggled with feelings of inadequacy, and another who was honest about not wanting to submit to any authority, including God's, because he wanted to be his own boss

And so One of my sons through his entire teenage years was like, Dad, I want to be a Christian. I want to repent and obey. I just, I don't feel like I'm very good at it. Okay, great. Well, let's keep trying. And my other son was pretty honest for a long time. He was like, there are, I'm not sure I want to do that, Dad. There's, he realized that repentance would mean giving up some things he loved, mainly his sense of control. And his desire to be his own boss, to call the shots over his life, to be his own authority. He did not want to submit to authority. It wasn't there was any one thing that he didn't want to do, anything that we were— any kind of step of obedience we were calling him to, he didn't want to do. He just didn't want to. He just didn't want to. He wanted to be his own authority.

54 · The speaker describes how he called his teenage sons to faith and repentance by asking probing questions about their relationship with God: "What's holding you back? Do you think you're a Christian? How do you know?" The goal was to help them internalize the gospel and self-assess honestly

And so we're calling them to faith and repentance. I would ask both of them, What's holding you back? I would often ask them, tell me about your relationship with God. Do you think you're a Christian? How would you describe your relationship with God? How do you know you know God? How would a person, how would he or she know that he or she is a Christian? We would just talk through kind of fundamental questions like that to get them trying to internalize it and take their answer and map it onto their own heart. And say, what, are you there? Are you doing that?

55 · The speaker recommends books for teenagers (Mahaney's *Living the Cross-Centered Life*, Mathis's *Habits of Grace*) and describes requiring Bible reading from an early age to establish a habit

So books like Living the Cross-Centered Life by C.J. Mahaney, Habits of Grace by David Mathis, looking for ways to begin training them. We had our kids reading their Bibles from a very early age because we wanted them to have a habit of getting up early and reading God's word each day because what we wanted was to begin to see something from within. I wanted to see a spark, not just the execution of a habit, but some spark of a desire for God. And that is— we can just set the hurdle lower if they're already in the habit of doing that. It helps them. This is what it feels like to know and follow God. And then you know it's happening when you don't require it, when maybe you're on a vacation and your kid still gets up early to read his Bible. Like, oh, look at that. That's interesting. That starts to tell us something. We start, hey, what, bud, why'd you do that? He's like, well, I wanted to, I want to meet with God today. That's great. That's a good sign. That's the kind of thing we're looking for.

56 · The speaker encourages getting teenagers involved in church service (greeting, hospitality, security) so they can be around godly adults and observe Christians serving sacrificially

Um, we also, in, in training them to live for Christ, it's wise to look for opportunities for them to be around other people in the church who love Christ and to learn from their example. So we got our teenagers, we get, we try to get them serving in the church as much as they can. Now, in our church, they can't serve in children's ministry until they're members, so we can do the whole background check and all that stuff. But they serve as greeters, they serve on the hospitality team. My daughters get involved with stuff like this, with doing food, stuff they're good at. My sons are involved on the security team, so they like that. The little earpiece, man, they're hooked, you know, that they're in. So they can't They can't carry any enforcement yet, but they— one day they're looking forward to that. But they are eager to help. And the point of all of that is they get to be around godliness and they're getting to see other Christians serving and giving their lives away. So somebody's moving, man, we want to be there. We want to be there. My sons and daughters— daughters are cleaning, boys are moving boxes. Let's get them there. Just to be thinking, how can I get them around?

57 · The speaker describes taking his sons to breakfast with godly men in the church to ask targeted questions about living faithfully as a teenager: fighting lust, being a godly teammate, treating sisters well

There was a stretch where I would just— I would pick out guys in the church and we would take them to breakfast. And my sons and I, we would just be like, all right, we're going to have breakfast together, go to Panera, get some bagels. Tell us your testimony. Tell us about what advice do you have for a, whatever, 15-year-old and a 13-year-old. And what do you wish you had known as a teenager? What was the hardest thing? What's the— how did you learn to— and we were asking very specific questions. How did you learn to be godly on a sports team? How did you learn to be a good teammate? How did you learn to be a good to sisters? How'd you learn to fight lust? So we would talk through very specific things. We would not have time to ask all those questions of every guy, but I knew the guys well enough to know what would work well. So again, just trying to get them in front of godly men and godly women and graciously, lovingly, ever keeping before them the importance of the eternal state of their soul.

58 · The speaker describes celebrating the joys of discipleship with Christian teenagers by talking about the privileges of church, Bible reading, and prayer

And if your teen has become a Christian, then the joys of discipleship become a key emphasis to talk through how great it is that we get to come to church, that we get to read our Bibles and pray together. We bring our— I bring my kids out to our monthly prayer meetings, and they're learning. Like, it was a hurdle to get them comfortable praying out loud in front of adults. That's a thing. I mean, that's a challenge. But they've learned to do it. They've done it enough times. They tried it. I'd be like, hey, Pray for this. And they go and do it. And okay, that went well. You didn't, you know, see, even when you fumbled your words, nobody laughed at you. It's okay. The Lord loves it. So, so many opportunities to do that sort of thing.

59 · The speaker introduces the second priority for teenagers: guarding the heart

Secondly, guarding the heart. So teenagers live for Christ, guard the heart. I'm thinking here of Proverbs 4:23, keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. With teenagers, more and more, we are trying to get to the why behind the what. With little kids, it's like you just got to establish what happened, right? Who threw the ball that knocked over and broke the lamp? Okay, you can ask a little kid, why did you throw a ball? No, I don't know, because I threw it. I don't know. They're not going to know the why behind that. But with teenagers, we have the opportunity to start getting into the heart of the matter, to start connecting motives to action. Fruit in our lives comes from root in our hearts.

60 · The speaker illustrates getting to heart motives with an example: when a teenager fails to confront gossip, the question is not just "Why didn't you speak up?" but "What did you want badly enough that you were willing to tolerate sin?" He connects this to asking what Scripture says and emphasizes that gospel transformation works out into every area of life

And so why, why did you do that when, when that other teenager was gossiping about your friend? Why didn't you stop them? Why didn't you say something? What did you want badly enough then that you are willing to tolerate sin in that kid's life in your presence? Why didn't you speak up? Um, let's get at the heart of those things. And so we're learning to get at the why, and again asking, what does scripture say about everything? Um, and so there's— here I'm thinking of the, the implications of the gospel, right? The gospel works out our— if our hearts have been transformed, it works out into our school and our friendships and our faithfulness and diligence around the house.

61 · The speaker illustrates heart-level conversation with a story about discovering cheating

I'd have a One of my children, we discovered cheating in a homeschooling kid. It's easier to do than some other settings, although kids are motivated, they'll find a way any which way. And so a lot of that was like, hey, don't cheat. But, and that's important, we need to make sure that's— don't do this again. It's lying, it's wrong, here's why. We go through scriptures. But let's talk about why. Why did you do that? What did you want to happen? What were you afraid would happen? What did you think would be the outcome of this? And they, you know, they usually have a surface-level answer. Well, I didn't want to be embarrassed by getting a bad grade. Yeah, because what would happen then? So it's always good to go, what's the next step? What would have happened after that? Why didn't you want that to happen? And to begin uncovering, training them to think what is going on in the heart. And so many Many, many different opportunities for that almost every day to talk. And so my kids, they kind of, they'll even roll their eyes a little bit when we talk about the why. They're like, oh yeah, you want to, you want to talk about the why. Okay. So, but they know, they understand like that's where change happens.

62 · The speaker references a diagram from a David Powlison book showing three trees: one with good fruit from a good heart, one with bad fruit from a bad heart, and the cross between them

So David Pallison has a little book. Oh dear. What's it called? How People, no, it's not How People Change. That's the other one. How Change Works or something like that. I don't know, Ricky will get it for you. But it's, um, um, he has this diagram called Three Trees. Are you familiar with this? You have, you have a tree that's really healthy, lots of fruit, and it comes from a heart. So it, you know, you have the trunk of the tree goes down to the heart and it's a good heart, right? And you have over here, you have this tree that's all bad, mangled, dry, rotten fruit, and the heart is just all shriveled. And, and so out of Out of the heart the mouth speaks. Out of the heart we act. And so it's training our kids, well, okay, we need to get to the heart. And in between them is the cross. You can't just get from bad fruit to good fruit or from bad root to good. It's not just a matter of like moral renovation. We need to be transformed. We come to the cross for forgiveness, and that then, through our repentance, that then leads to obedience.

63 · The speaker introduces the third priority for teenagers: teaching them not to love the world or the things in the world

So thirdly, third priority for teenagers after guard the heart is do not love the world. Do not love the world or the things in the world, for the desires of the flesh are passing away. So we want to help our kids learn to love their parents, the family, the church. We want to help them learn to love what God loves in the proportions that God loves it, loves them. That's another way to say that.

64 · The speaker illustrates teaching teenagers not to love the world with a story about his son car shopping

And so That might mean materials. Material. My son, my second son just bought a car and we spent the last like 2 months looking for a car. He had the apps on his phone. He's got like cars.com and AutoTrader and we're going through cars and it took us a while to narrow down. Like he had something in mind first. He had something pretty sporty in mind and he was really thinking like he had a thing he was going for and we had to kind of, let's talk through that. What is this about? And so this is kind of blending 2 and 3. We got to the heart of the matter. What we learned is he had a— his priorities for this car had a lot to do with the way he looked driving it. We eventually uncovered this is really what this is about. You just want to look cool.

65 · The speaker applies the principle of not loving the world by quoting another pastor's phrase: train children to have "a contempt for the cool

And one pastor I read said, you know, we need to train our kids to have a contempt for the cool. It's a great word, a contempt for the cool. Their peers love what is cool, and cool is attractive, cool is desirable. Or however kids— maybe they don't say cool, whatever it is they say these days. But they are— our kids are drawn to that. And so we need to train them, do not love the world or the things of the world. And so that's going to be as we teach them biblical manhood and womanhood. What does it mean to be a man? What does it mean to be a woman? That is going to cut very seriously against the grain of our culture as we train them to recognize and reject ungodliness of all kinds and to stand up for godliness. This is going to need to translate into action in their lives.

66 · The speaker illustrates teaching teenagers to stand up for godliness with a story about his sons confronting their Chick-fil-A manager who was teasing them about dating coworkers

So both of my boys worked at Chick-fil-A and they had a manager who would just tease different kids about— he would, especially the boys, about some of the girls that work there. And so he would be like, hey, you and you and hey, you and Kelsey, you should ask her out. And you go to my other son, hey, you and you and Lindsay over there, have you— are you— you got her number yet? And Yeah, you know, the guy was— he's probably 24 or something. I think he thought he was— I don't know what he thought. It doesn't matter what he thought. But for my boys, they were like, Dad, I don't think this is good that he's doing this. I don't like that he does it. I certainly don't like that he does it in front of— what do I do? I'm like, well, I hate to tell you this, but you're going to have to go back and talk to him. And I coached them up. Like, all right, here's what you're going to say. Let's practice this a couple of times. And I gave them a script. We worked through just a simple script for them to say. Hey, listen, I really appreciate, you know, what you're trying to do, and I know that you mean well, but I want you to know I'm a one-woman man. I just don't know who that woman is yet, and I'm not on the dating scene because I'm focused right now on school and growing in godliness. And I'm just— thanks, but I'm not interested in that. And I'd really like to ask you to stop because it makes me really uncomfortable. And both my boys did it, and man, the dread on both of them. Like, we pulled up to Chick-fil-A and on one of their off days, you go on in and I'll just wait here. I'm praying for you. It's gonna go great. You know, the slowness of the walk on the way in, but then coming out, the— like, I knew what had happened immediately because I could see it in their posture. The sense of not only— it wasn't just relief, but the sense of resolve. This— you know what it feels like to have the Spirit affirm within you that yes and amen about obedience. They came out, they took a step towards manhood, each of them in that conversation. And as a dad, to see that they were rejecting the world and choosing godliness, and it was hard, and that was a lesson, and we made a lot out of it. Like, boys, this is what it means to reject the world and to be courageous, to go to your boss and say, I don't like what you're doing. It's hard, it's hard, but it's a good lesson for them. And so that's just one way we can teach them to stand up for godliness in their lives. And I'm sure that there are many ways this works out in your family.

67 · The speaker transitions to two concluding principles that apply across all three age categories

And we need to trust. Finally, so two last things. I realize I'm over on time here. Yikes, sorry. So do not love the world. Two last things for us, children of any age. So now any of these three categories little kids, school-age teenagers.

68 · The speaker returns to the trust-and-obey framework, acknowledging his own parenting regrets

I mentioned this before, we're called as parents to trust and obey. And even as I'm talking through these things, I'm thinking of things I wish I had done this better. I mean, that gnaws even in the midst of a talk like that for me, that just gnaws on the edge of my conscience. Just think, man, I wish I had a do-over on some parts of this. 1 John 1:9: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins." That's not the whole verse. "And to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." There are failings and shortcomings in our parenting that we don't even see. That we don't even recognize. And it's a kindness of the Lord that we don't because we would be overwhelmed and in despair, I think, We recognize how far we fall short of what's required of us as parents. But if we confess the sins we do see, the Lord is faithful. He'll forgive us those sins and then he does one better and cleanses us of all unrighteousness. Even the sins, the failures, the shortcomings that we don't recognize.

69 · The speaker expounds Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 to emphasize that God designed marriage so spouses can work together in parenting, offering wisdom, encouragement, and support to one another

And he has called us to work together, husbands and wives. He's given you as gifts each to the other that you might get wisdom from one another, that you might encourage one another. Two are better than one, for they have a good return for their work. One falls down, the other can pick him up. Brothers and sisters, we have strength and support, most of you, sitting right next to you. That's a gift from God. God has fitted you for this, and he has fitted you for this together.

70 · The speaker concludes with a final Ryle quotation emphasizing the necessity of prayer in parenting

One last quotation from J.C. Ryle. We need to pray, so we need to pray without ceasing. Let us pray often for this. Without the blessing of the Lord, your best endeavors will do no good. He has the hearts of all men in His hands, and except He touch the hearts of your children by His Spirit, you will weary yourself to no purpose. Water, therefore, the seed you sow on their minds with unceasing prayer. The Lord is far more willing to hear than we to pray. What a promise that is. That is so true. The Lord is far more willing to hear than we to pray, far more ready to give blessing than we to ask them. Them, but he loves to be entreated for them. And I set this matter of prayer before you as the top stone and seal of all you do. I suspect the children of many prayers— the child of many prayers is seldom cast away. Wonderful wisdom from our friend J.C. Ryle.

71 · The speaker closes in prayer, asking God to bless and prosper the parents as they apply Scripture to their parenting

So, Father in heaven, I pray that you would bless and prosper these parents as they try to apply and live out the promises of your word. We pray this in the name of your Son, Jesus. Amen. Amen.

72 · The speaker transitions to Q&A, with the facilitator joking about giving the hardest questions and limiting answers to 60 seconds

All right, we can do a briefer Q&A, but that's okay because I'm sure— Sorry, I talked. No, no, you're good. Well, that, well, that was super helpful, brother. It really was walking through each season in turn. So, um, what I'm thinking we're going to do is we're going to have you— we're going to give you the most difficult parenting questions. Yes. And give you about 60 seconds on each. Uh, is that great? Whatever you like, I'll work for you. No, no.

73 · The facilitator clarifies logistics about book recommendations and the giveaway book, noting that Paul David Tripp's parenting book (the giveaway) has a good chapter on authority

Um, by the way, guys, A number of the questions were about books he recommended or things Steve recommended. So I'll go back and forth with Steve, try to capture all the recommendations in a list, and then we'll just email it out. Oh, I should do that. Yeah. So if you're like, hey, here's a number of things that he talked about, there you go. Also, by the way, the J.C. Rowell book that he quoted a bunch from, that's free online. Yeah. I mean, you can get it. Public domain. You can download it on your Kindle. It's easy to grab. So that's another book over there. Also, the book that Steve has been recommending this whole time, Shepherding a Child's Heart, is not the book over there. Oh, I'm sorry. It is available at various booksellers. What are we giving away? What is that? This one's Paul David Tripp's parenting book. And so it's basically like a collection of principles about parenting. Oh, right. That's good too. And one of the chapters in particular, I know a couple of the questions were on authority. Authority. And so they— he has a good chapter on authority in that book that if you're like, well, I'm struggling a little bit because I don't want to be mean, but what is that? What does the Bible say about authority? That's, that's a great, uh, further deep dive.