Please turn in your Bibles, if you would, to Ephesians chapter 6. If you don't have a Bible, you can grab one on the back table or just Google Ephesians 6 ESV if you're brand new here. And, uh, we'd love for you to open that as we read it together. And we do know we have a number of new folks at the church these days, and so just want to let you know that our pattern as Cross of Grace Church is to preach through books of the Bible. We are getting to the end of our study of the book of Ephesians.
And the reason we preach week by week through passages of the Bible as our typical pattern is we want God's Word and God himself to set the agenda for what we study rather than us kind of coming up with whatever, you know, brilliant idea we think we had that week. We want the Lord's ideas to be the thing that drive our church. And so we're nearing the end of our study of Ephesians, and it has been a wonderful, wonderful time, a rich time. And we're going to conclude— we're going to begin, rather, the last chapter of Ephesians together as we look at verses 1 through 4 today. This is Ephesians 6, verses 1 through 4.
And let's remember, church, as we read, this is God's Word. "Children, obey your parents in the Lord." the Lord, for this is right: Honor your father and mother. This is the first commandment with a promise, that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. This is God's Word.
And, Lord, I pray that you give us ears to hear and eyes to see. May we behold wondrous things from your Word today. May it be encouraging and clarifying for all of us. We pray this in Christ's name. Amen.
Well, have you ever wished that your house came with an instruction manual? I've wished that many times. I'm not what you would call a handy person. I'm like the on the opposite, whatever the opposite spectrum is from handy, I am on that part of the spectrum. And this week I had a simple home repair job that went disastrously awry.
One of my faucets began to drip. And so I identified the problem. It's this little valve that needs to get replaced. The cartridge in the faucet needs to get replaced. So I thought, okay, great, ordered the part, but the part wasn't gonna be there in time for community group.
And it was the downstairs sink that everybody uses for community group. So we only had hot water. So rather than have everybody scald their hands every time they went to the bathroom, I decide, well, I'm just going to do the simple thing, simple, simple something. I'm going to take the hot water pieces, the faucet pieces from there, pop them over into the cold water pieces, the cold water side, and it shouldn't be a problem. So I get there.
I uncover the faucet thing. I got a screwdriver. I'm just ready to pop out the little cartridge. I pop out the cartridge, and— As the cartridge pops out in slow motion, it appears to levitate in the air. And I watch the cartridge begin to soar into the air, and as I'm watching it soar, another part of my brain asks the question, "Did you turn the hot water off before you did this?" And the question was answered resoundingly, "No." And so as hot, scalding water begins to spray all over my bathroom and my toddler runs away, my toddler got bored Bless him, had come to watch Dad do a repair job only to be scalded and run away.
So I reached down, and I, as hard as I can, I torque the valve closed and it stops, except that in torquing the valve closed, the valve develops a leak. So I close the valve and then the valve begins to shoot out. So, and Jen at this point begins to hear noises and begins to get concerned, comes and runs in and she goes, "Is everything okay?" And I just look at her as water's spraying all over the bathroom. The answer is obvious. And so I run down, turn off the water main at the street, come back, and, you know, over the next number of— next hour or so, begin to kind of figure out what's going on.
And I identify, okay, the problem is this little valve. The problem is this, though. It is this valve I have never seen before. And in our first house, we had that old, like, you know, metal piping everywhere that you've got to use a blowtorch to release. I was used to that.
It was comforting. The blowtorch is nice if you get used to it. And then this is some other thing. And so I'm Googling, what is this? And I'm trying to figure out what is in my house.
And it would have been really nice if at that moment there had been like a little manual that I could pull off the shelf and go, I wonder what kind of piping we have. Here it is. Here's where to buy it. Oh, thank you. And close it and put it away.
Instead, Ral and Todd and I spent 2 hours and probably all developed muscle spasms trying to replace this one valve, which we did successfully. So please come over and use the new faucet because I worked really, really hard on it. You ever wish your home just came with an instruction manual that's just like, do this, here's what it is, here's where to find this, go to Lowe's, go to Home Depot, this is the part number? No, you don't have any of that, do you?
But even more than our physical homes, our actual homes, the whole thing of having kids and parenting and building a family, In many ways, that is what we need an instruction manual for even more.
And don't you wish your family came with an instruction manual? I still remember when my first son was born, I found basically somebody had bought me this dad's instruction manual for babies. It was just like, don't hold the baby like this or like this or like this, like that. You know, you're like, oh, that's helpful. Good.
I like that. And here's the reality. Our world today is awash with advice. Awash with books about parenting, books about building a family, but there is remarkably little clarity on what we are trying to do.
And that is why Ephesians chapter 6 is so helpful. Ephesians chapter 6 is the person, God himself, that designed how the family is meant to work, giving us instruction for how to build a strong family. So in the midst of all the advice in our world around us, we want the one manual written by the guy that designed the house in the first place, right? We want to know what God's design for the family is. And this is what is remarkable. Despite being written over 2,000 years ago, these 4 simple verses provide remarkable clarity, provide a remarkably helpful blueprint for what we're meant to do as children, as parents, as non-parents, and as anybody who has a parent.
And this is the main idea today: the blueprints of our home are in the pattern of Christ. If you want to find the blueprints, you want to find the instruction manual, look to the pattern of Christ. Now, first, we're going to look at the foundation of the home. The passage, if you notice, is bookended by two little phrases that you probably would just skip over in your normal reading of the text. That first phrase in verse 1 is "in the Lord," and verse 4 ends with the phrase "of the Lord." Now, those two things form the foundation for the home.
We must not skip them. The phrase "in the Lord" is actually referring back to the entire letter to the Ephesians. That phrase "in the Lord" refers to every time Paul says the words 'in Christ.' And if you've been with us for our series, you remember that the whole book of— the whole letter to the Ephesians is full of that phrase: 'in Christ,' 'in Christ,' 'in Christ.' Paul carefully shows this church that they need Christ, that apart from Christ they are dead, they are cut off, they are powerless. But God makes them alive. He makes them to be part of Christ, to be in Christ.
We join Christ's body and that that we are in Christ is the foundation for everything we build as families.
6 · The story of a house with a split foundation illustrates the critical importance of a solid foundation
Now, a number of years ago, we, Jen and I almost bought a house in Kern Place, which we were surprised when we saw the listing because the price actually seemed relatively affordable. And we walk into the home and I remember walking into this home and thinking, this is it. It is this, it was this classic kind of 1930s home, which is the year, the vintage I love. And there's these beautiful hardwood floors.
And they talked about how, yeah, there used to be carpet, but they, They pulled the carpet out and discovered there actually was hardwood, so they polished it up. And I'm like, oh my gosh, this is amazing. It's charming. It was small but charming. We're walking around, we're already falling in love with the house.
So we, I'm like, this is it. So we get the, you know, one of the building inspectors to come. So the building inspector comes, he starts looking around and he starts to notice some weird things about the walls. He's like, this is a weird paint job they have on the walls. And so he then goes down, looks underneath the foundation of the home.
And it's not a slab foundation like most El Paso homes, it's a post and beam foundation. So there's a crawl space. So we crawl under And he begins, he goes in, digs around, comes back up and says, "You're gonna need to see something." So I'm like, "Oh, this is really good or really bad. Maybe he found a million dollars. Maybe he found gold.
I don't know. Or this could be bad." So they go down, and he goes, "You see this?" "Yep." "You see that?" "Yep." "That's a crack, okay?" "Yeah, it does look like a crack." "And do you see how this post has shifted this way?" "Yeah, that is interesting." "And then this post has shifted this way?" "Yeah." "So what does that mean?" And he goes, "It means the foundation is splitting in half." And I was like, "So is that hard to fix or not hard?" Yeah. And he goes, "It's not safe for us to be down here." I'm like, "Okay, so yeah, so definitely." And so then I'm asking him, "So how much would that cost to fix?" And he says, "The cost of the home." Okay, well, so, but how many years could we live here though before it cracks? 'Cause it didn't matter how beautiful the home was, if the foundation was cracked and splitting apart, nothing you built would last, right?
7 · The pastor applies the foundational truth of being in Christ specifically to parents, correcting common faulty motivations for parenting (proving worth, redeeming past failures, achieving success through children)
And that is what Paul is doing here. He's reminding the children and the parents that their foundation is that they are in Christ. This changes everything. So, first of all, for parents in the context of this, we must remember that our foundation and our security is not that we will be perfect parents, not that we will do it perfectly right, not that we will do better than our parents did. Rather, our security is that we are in Christ. We don't stand before the Lord on the basis of our good parenting or our obedient children.
We stand before the Lord only on the basis of the fact that we are in Christ, and the hope for us as we look to our children is not that we will perfectly, completely parent brilliantly in every moment so they are— they grow up to be model citizens, but rather our hope is to point them to Christ that they may build their foundation of life on Christ as well. And this is so helpful because sometimes we parent to prove that we're good people, that we're not like our bad parents, that our kids can succeed where we failed, that that we maybe in parenting well will finally matter. And all of those are faulty foundations for parenting. In Christ, here's the good news. In Christ, we've already admitted the worst about ourselves is that we're hopeless and helpless and desperately need Jesus.
And we've already received the good news that we are loved and accepted and that we matter on the basis of what Christ has done, not on the basis of what we have done. And if that is your foundation, brothers and sisters, as parents, it will be a secure foundation no matter what happens.
8 · The pastor applies the same foundational truth to children and teenagers, specifying the target audience for the obedience command
As well, the kids here, it's very important the children are addressed directly. "Children, obey your parents in the Lord." So Paul is assuming that they are in the Lord. Now, listen, if you're still living with your parents, the target age group for that verse, verse 1, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord," is basically between the ages of you can understand the Bible's commands for yourself and you're no longer living with your parents.
Okay? That's the target age. So I was asking John, what age is that? He's like, I don't know, maybe 8, 9, 10, depending on the kid, up to, you know, end of high school, beginning of college, somewhere in there. That's the target there.
So here's what you need to know if you're a teen or, you know, maybe 12. Remember that in the end, your goal in life is not making your parents proud of you. It's not succeeding more than the other kids in your class. It's not achieving something. In the end, what matters most is that you be in Christ.
It doesn't matter what else is going on in your life that looks good above the foundation. If the foundation itself is not secure and in Christ, nothing else will ultimately matter.
9 · The pastor extends the foundation metaphor to show that Christ is not only the security but also the pattern that determines the shape of family life
Well, in addition to Christ being our foundation and our security, the foundation is also a pattern. The foundation lays out the floor plan, right? Uh, we, Jen and I, when we were looking for homes, we saw this one house where they had tried to add an addition to their home on top of their patio, but the problem was the patio didn't have the same solid foundation. And so the patio kind of addition was starting to separate from the house. And so if you are trying to take away or add things that aren't part of the floor plan, it's ultimately going to be frustrating. Things are gonna crack and crumble. And the shape of our families, what they look like, is set by the shape of the foundation. And that is found in that phrase, "The discipline and instruction of the Lord." Meaning the Lord and what he wants is the content of our discipline and training and instruction.
It's not just, well, we think it'd be cool if our kid was, you know, MLB baseball player. We think it'd be cool if our kid was a doctor. We think it'd be cool if our kid looked better than the other kids. You know, that's not the shape of the foundation we're given in Christ. We're to look to Christ and look to the Word and see what that outlines as the shape of our family and build accordingly.
10 · Direct application to both parents and children specifying that Christ, not parental projection or ambition, is the goal
Look, parents, your goal is not to give instruction of your hopes and fears and dreams to your kids as the kind of the shape of what their lives look like. Your goal is to shape your family in the pattern of Christ, in the pattern of his word. And similarly, kids, look, as a pastor, I will tell you this, our goal for you and your parents' goal for you is not that you look like them or maybe a little bit better version of them, Our goal is that you look like Jesus. Our goal is that the foundation of your life would also be the pattern and the shape of your life. That's the goal.
11 · A pastoral moment addressing those who lack healthy parental models
And let me just say one thing to those with— maybe you think, "Okay, I'm listening to this, but I don't have any parents really," or, "I've got a poor parent," and you may not have an earthly parent that you can look up to, and that can be grieving and frustrating as you hear these commands. But at best, at best, earthly parents only point to God as the perfect parent. And even though you may not have that earthly parent that might feel like a blessing, you do have that thing that earthly parents point to, which is the perfect parent, God himself. And he and he alone can be your security and the pattern for your life. That's the foundation.
12 · The pastor transitions from foundation to the next major structural element of the home metaphor—marriage as the roof
Second, the roof, if I could say it this way, the roof is marriage. Now, look at verses 1 and 2 again. What's implied here? "Children, obey your parents," plural, "in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother." So, at the risk of stating the obvious, how do you think the kids got there in the first place?
It implies a mother and a father, and Neil can explain the rest to you later. He's up here in the front row. Paul is giving instruction to these children in the context of Ephesians 5, in the context right after he talks about marriage. So, the commands to parents right here don't negate the earlier command given to husbands and wives, right? The commands to husbands and wives are, in a sense, if you could say it this way, more emphatic and far more wide-ranging and overarching even than the commands to parents.
And so there is an order of priority here in Ephesians that Paul first establishes their relationship with the Lord as primary, and then he speaks to husbands and wives as the— if you could say it this way, so he gives them the foundation, then he gives them the roof that hangs over everything else they do in the home, and then he gives instruction to parents.
13 · A story about friends' new house with a leaky roof illustrates how structural defects at the roof level damage everything beneath
Look, think of it this way. I had a— we had some friends here that used to be part of the church, and they built a beautiful new house. Out on the far east side. It was a beautiful home up until the first big rain in the monsoon season.
Right, you walk in, you're like, "This is impressive. They've got granite countertops. It's got this and this and this." And it rained, and all of a sudden, the husband said, yeah, they had, like, 5 leaks throughout the home, dripping from the roof down, because the roof wasn't framed and sealed correctly. And it basically meant that they were going to have to take off the entire roof and rebuild it. So all that beautiful furniture that they had just put below was getting soaked.
14 · The pastor establishes the first theological reason why marriage health affects children: godly marriage is the primary means children observe the gospel enacted
And in the same way, you can have a beautiful home, you can have lots of good activities going on in your home, but you may even parent decently well inside your home, but if your marriage is not strong, you're gonna have a leaky roof. And there's no way to keep— and you might think, well, I'm just, you know, my husband and I, my wife and I, we don't really talk, we're more co-parents than anything, but that doesn't really affect our kids. We're pretty good parents. No, it absolutely affects your kids. And I'm going to tell you for two reasons it affects your kids.
First, godly marriage is meant to be the primary means of displaying the gospel to the kids under your roof. Look, they see the picture of the gospel and the truth of it far more than anyone else, than your coworkers, than your neighbors, than your, you know, friends, they see what you're really like as you talk to your spouse. And that either reinforces the reality of the gospel that Jesus loves his bride, the church, as husbands love their wives, and the bride rejoices over her husband just the way the church rejoices over Christ. You either are reinforcing that or undercutting it with your marriage.
That's the reality.
15 · Direct imperative application to married couples to examine their marriage before examining their parenting
Look, before you look— let me just encourage you as a couple— before you look at your parenting today, look at your marriage. What's your marriage saying to your kids? What would your kids conclude about the gospel from just observing you and living with you?
16 · The second theological reason for marriage's priority: godly marriage creates the optimal environment for children to thrive
And then, second, not only does godly marriage display the gospel, godly marriage creates the best environment for children to thrive. Now, there's much we could say here. I had a bunch of it. A bunch of the research, and then I took it out 'cause we just don't have time for it. The research is overwhelming though, I will just conclude, that when children are raised in the context of a loving marriage, they have the best chance of thriving. And this is statistically proved out over and over and over again.
The more brokenness there is in someone's marriage, the more often brokenness pours out, down, drips down onto the children. Their children. But as spouses model love and respect and selflessness and care, those things overflow onto their children and shape and affect their lives.
17 · A pastoral moment of encouragement to single parents, using the biblical example of Timothy raised by his mother and grandmother
So, with that though, let me make one note before we move on here to single parents. And maybe you're here and you're like, "Man, that sounds great, but I feel like I got half a roof because I'm a single parent for whatever reason." I want to encourage you, I was looking at the Scriptures this week and in the letter to Timothy, Paul specifically encourages that Timothy was raised well by his mother and his grandmother. And if you look at theologians, they don't know why Timothy's father is not mentioned, but there's probably two main reasons. One is that Timothy's father's passed away, or second, that Timothy's father was not a Christian. And so that's a situation where maybe Timothy's mother, dearly wished that she had a husband who would love her as Christ loved the church. But Timothy watched her grow up pressing into the Lord, leaning on the Lord, and in that different but beautiful way show Timothy the reality of Christ and of the gospel. So, if you're a single parent, take heart.
The Lord is with you. He is your foundation. And your home can still be covered in the love of Christ.
18 · The pastor signals the major structural shift from foundational elements (Christ, marriage) to the interior life of the home (children's obedience)
All right, now then we turn our attention to inside the home. We've covered the foundation, we've covered the roof. All right, what about the inside? What should life look like inside? Well, two very simple sections here. First, to children: "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right."
19 · The pastor defines the target audience for the obedience command as those old enough to understand and capable of choice—primarily teenagers
Now, what are they called to? Obedience. And who's called to it? Children. As I said, children specifically between the age of— now listen, this is going to be read aloud in the gathered church. And so Paul is assuming, okay, those old enough to kind of hear and understand the normal teaching are going to be able to receive this command and hold on to it. So probably not— this isn't even a toddler.
Toddlers should obey their parents in the Lord. Amen.
This is specifically targeting people who can choose whether to obey or not and still live with their parents. And so let me just say, I think the sweet spot for this verse, teenagers. And every teen in this room is like, "Nah, man, come on, bro. Come on, man. Like, I like when you talk about, you know, Star Wars, but this is not what I'm here for." Honestly, I think you could read this, if you could say it this way, read it as, "Teens, obey your parents in the Lord."
20 · The pastor diagnoses the cultural resistance to the command by exposing the culture's idolatry of youth and rejection of parental authority
Now, even saying that feels strange and countercultural, doesn't it? It feels off. Something in it feels off. We're not even sure why it feels off, it just does. It's like, "Uh-uh." Well, partially because in our culture, our culture is enamored with youth. Everybody over the age of 25 is trying to be younger.
Right? Everybody's trying to relive those glory days. That's why as soon as I started turning 30, I started getting like Instagram ads for baldness or whatever. You know, just like they know, they know. You know, back problems, here's another Instagram ad, they know.
And we all wanna be younger. And our culture has this, is enamored with youth and even talks about something as silly as the wisdom of youth, as if the youth are more pure and unspoiled and they can see the world clearer. Than everyone else. So the standard then becomes rebellion and rejection of parental authority in every respect. But let me just say this clearly, that should not be so for anyone in the Lord.
21 · The pastor qualifies the obedience command by describing the developmental progression toward independence while maintaining that respect and honor should continue throughout
It means that in this season, as you grow, there's gonna be, in a sense, if you could say it this way, a sliding scale where as you age, your parents will have less, kind of ability to keep everything right under their roof. You will have more and more independence. And as you grow in independence, that should be accompanied still with a respect and honor and even leaning in to your parents. And here's why.
22 · A personal story from childhood illustrates the need for parental intervention even when the child's reasoning seems perfectly logical to them
When I was in grade school, I had a precious Transformers comic book. Not the weird movies now, the classic animated Transformers comic book. And it was my most prized possession at age, yeah, I don't know, 9 or something, 10. Except one day, as we were driving, I was driving with my mom, I realized I forgot to fully shut my car door and it had the door ajar light. And so my mom is on the freeway near UTEP and she realizes, okay, I'm probably, I just wanna pull over, you close the door, and then, you know, we'll keep driving. So she pulls over and I open the door, so I can get a big, you know, big close.
And I open the door, and my Transformers comic book blows out of the car, right? And so I did what any normal person would do in that situation. I unbuckled my seatbelt, jumped out of the car, and started running toward the freeway, chasing the comic book. And I vividly remember, it just made perfect sense in my mind. My comic book is gonna blow into the freeway.
I'm like, "Get it before it blows in the freeway." Easy. So I'm running toward the show. I mean, this is like the freeway right here, right? I'm running up toward it, I mean, and it is like right there. So no sooner had I grasped it that I feel my body like yanked back, like whoo, in the air by my mom, who throws me into the car and goes, "What are you doing?" And buckle, I think if I remember right, she like buckled me back in.
Like a toddler, click. What are you doing? You know, we keep driving. And I think that's a vivid illustration of the fact that sometimes you will have moments as you grow up that seem to make perfect sense to you and you need somebody, you'll take the seatbelt off and you need somebody to pull you back. That is why God's given parents.
23 · Application to teenagers grounding obedience in both neuroscience (brain development) and biblical instruction
Look, the reality is this: research is clear, your brain will not fully develop in its— the rational parts of your brain— till age 25. That means up until then you're going to need a seat belt and somebody to pull you back if you do something nuts. Okay? And this isn't to say that your parents will always be right at age 12, 13, 14, 15. They are flawed.
They are sinful. Side note: just like you.
But in following Jesus for this season of your life, what Jesus calls you to do is follow your parents. Now, in a healthy kind of teen-parent relationship, there will be more and more leeway and independence and authority given by parents if they're wise, as they give some freedom and then help coach their kids in how to use that freedom well. And give some more and then help them along. Because eventually what you don't want is you control every part of your child's life till age 18, and then they get to college and they're like, "Yeah!" Right? That's exactly what's gonna happen.
You don't wanna do that. So what you wanna do is work with them, point them to the Lord, and teens, lean into that help. You take the freedom that parents have given you and try to steward it well and earn more and more.
24 · A critical qualification of the obedience command: it is limited by the phrase 'in the Lord
And then, of course, if your parents call you to do something that's unbiblical or wrong, The Bible says you should disobey them. It's in the Lord. "Children, obey your parents in the Lord." If they call you to do something outside the Lord, dishonoring to Christ, don't do it. Right? So that's the command to children.
25 · The pastor distinguishes the honor command from the obedience command, establishing that honor applies to all people throughout life, not just children living at home
But then there's a second verse here. "Honor your father and mother. This is the first commandment with a promise, that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land." So this isn't applying just to teens or to children. This applies to anyone with a father and a mother. Raise your hand if you have a father or a mother. Okay, that's pretty much everybody, right? If it's not you, I'd really— I'd have some questions about that and would love to talk to you.
This is a command that applies to everyone. And the command is to honor your father and your mother. Now, one theologian I read defined honor as give due weight and respect to those parents. You count things that your parent says as important. You are respectful with it.
You hold it carefully. You don't just grab it and toss it over your shoulder. You hold it carefully. You look for opportunities to respect and honor them.
26 · A personal illustration of the pastor's father caring for his aging, dementia-affected grandfather demonstrates lifelong honor in action
And one of the best illustrations I've ever seen of this was my dad, watching my dad care for my grandfather. Now, my grandfather was— he was a tough guy. He worked until his 80s. But as he kind of— the last stretch of being at the office and working, he began to be affected with dementia. He began to have physical problems. And vividly I remember many times my dad would take part of his day and care for and honor his dad.
I remember vividly one time my grandfather was having trouble walking, so my dad just puts his arm kind of under his dad. And carefully, respectfully walks him over where he needed to go.
27 · Concrete application of the honor command with specific, actionable suggestions including using upcoming holidays and direct verbal encouragement
There should be for all of us, whenever possible, an appropriate weight and honor and respect that we give our parents. And let me just say, despite the fact that it's just a marketing thing, creating Father's Day and Mother's Day, that's real, you can look it up, Father's and Mother's Day provides a wonderful opportunity upcoming to honor your parents to whatever extent you can, to think through how can I communicate gratefulness, honor, and respect to my parents? Not just on those days, but throughout life.
When's the last time you've sat one of your parents down and encouraged them? This is what I love about you. This is what I respect about you. That's what this verse is calling us to do.
28 · A pastoral moment addressing those with unworthy or harmful parents
Now maybe you're thinking, okay, well, I have a parent that doesn't seem very worthy of respect. There really is a lot of brokenness in our world and in our families. And here I'm not talking about physical abuse or sexual abuse, which should be reported, reported and prosecuted rightly, according to Romans 13. But if there's just hurt, there's just failure with your parents, how do you apply a command like this? Well, I first want to remind you that your foundation is in Christ. Your foundation is not what your parents did to you or failed you in, it's Christ.
You don't live the rest of your life out of the failures of your parents, you live the rest of your life out of the foundation of being in Christ. And then second, whenever possible, you honor, at least honor the position of being a father and a mother rather than looking, "Well, have they done that well?" They are your father or your mother. So, to whatever extent you can, to whatever extent that that reflects God's created order, you try to lean in and do what you can to honor them.
29 · The pastor expounds the first part of the promise attached to the honor command: life will go better through receiving parental wisdom
And when we do this, there is a command— there is a promise attached, rather, that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land. Now, this is an explicit promise. And the promise is that if we do this, we will be blessed. Well, what does that mean? Well, it means two things. First, it means your life will go better, that it may go well with you.
That doesn't mean you'll never experience hardship or difficulty. But listen, when you listen to the wisdom of your parents, when you honor them and respect them and learn from their experience, you will save so much heartache. There's so many times my parents have said, I'm just going to yank you back a little bit because you're about to run out on the freeway. You know, I'm thinking of doing this. Really?
Why? You know, well, I don't know. It felt right. You know, like, OK, well, let's come back over here, buddy. Let's put the seatbelt back on you.
I'm so grateful for that in my parents. There's so many times you'll be saved pain and hardship listening and honoring.
30 · The pastor expounds the second part of the promise using redemptive-historical hermeneutics
Second is that you may live long in the land. Now, for the original audience of this command, remember this was given on Mount Sinai 40 years before they even got into the Promised Land, and the land represented the place of God's blessing where God's people would be in God's place under God's rule. But for those of us on this side of the cross, what is that great promised land? It's heaven. That we would dwell long in the land where God dwells with his people forever and ever. That honoring your parents, listening to your parents may just save your eternal soul. That your life now will go better, but even more important, that that promised land, you may enter it and enjoy it. If they've pointed you to Christ and you receive it.
31 · The pastor transitions to the parenting section, acknowledging the placement and addressing why fathers are specifically mentioned
All right, that's kids. Now, parents. You're probably thinking, "Well, man, parents, you're getting to them to the very end." Well, what Paul says is very straightforward, very clear, and really in some sense doesn't need a lot of nuanced theological explanation. It's very clear. Verse 4, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." the Lord.
Now, just to be clear, it doesn't mean that mothers, you guys are exempt or ignored here. Paul has just spoken about you twice, talking about the parents, plural, in verse 1, and father and mother in verse 2. But Paul here adds a special emphasis on the role of father, likely because it needed to be stated clearly in that culture. In our day, just like in Roman culture, often fathers look for achievement and success outside the home, or retreat into passivity and comfort inside the home. But against all of that, Paul pushes back, God's word pushes back and gives us as fathers a different call, a call to make raising our children in the pattern of Jesus more important than our vocation, more important than our hobbies, more important than our successes, more important than even our comfort.
32 · Direct, confrontational application to men exposing the futility of vocational success when family responsibilities are neglected
Brothers, let's allow this text to land on us. It does no good for us to win Employee of the Year while our children are floundering.
It does no good to close the biggest sale in the history of the company while your marriage is in shambles and telling a lie to your kids every day about the gospel.
I was reading even recently that despite there being parity more and more in the workplace in terms of the positions men and women have, if you look at the domestic aspects of the home, cleaning, correcting children, that kind of stuff, fathers still lag behind. And I thought, man, Paul had our number 2,000 years ago. We need an intentional call to fatherhood as one of the greatest joys and occupations of our lives.
33 · The pastor expounds the negative command not to provoke children to anger, drawing on Bryan Chapell's definition to show how authority can be twisted
And Paul then calls us not to do something as fathers, which I think is especially relevant for fathers, but applies to mothers as well. "Do not provoke your children to anger." So, Brian Chappell summarizes this in this way. He says, "This is authority that requires authority but submits to no authority, like when a mother tells a child to quit whining at her or when a father compels self-control by throwing a temper tantrum. Or it looks like love that needs sacrifice but seeks itself, like when a mother pushes for a child's success to affirm her own worth or when a father punishes to enforce behavior that secures his own reputation." or comfort, or when we demand respect at the expense of individual dignity, as when a mother shames a child into obedience, or when a father exerts control by comparing the child with others inside or outside the family. What does it mean to provoke our children?
Essentially, it means this is what happens whenever we twist our authority and use it outside of the pattern of Christ. That's what it means to provoke our children.
34 · The pastor expounds the first positive command—bring them up—by linking it to Ephesians 5's language of nourishing and cherishing
So then, what are we to do? Well, first, we read— there's 3 specific things first. "Bring them up." Now, this phrase "bring them up" is actually the same word in Ephesians 5 when husbands are told to nourish and cherish their wives. It's the same word. So, it could be read, "Nourish and cherish your children." What that means is that there should be a note, there should be an atmosphere of love and tenderness in our homes. And I think, again, there is a special application for dads here. Dads, we must not make our home a tense place of barked commands, absent tenderness and care. We're called to bring them up, to nourish them.
So, ask yourself today, is there an atmosphere of tenderness and care in your home? What does your home feel like?
35 · A pastoral illustration showing how a discerning elder detected an unhealthy home atmosphere despite outward correctness
This is where I'm so grateful for our pastors. One time we had a marriage counseling case where we were getting some indications maybe they needed some help with their marriage, but, you know, it was hard to tell just getting to know them at church. And one of our elders decided, well, I'm just gonna— they wanted to meet, so he decided, I'm just gonna drop by their house and get to know them a little bit. So he walked into the home. And one of the things that I'm grateful for, discernment, the gift of discernment, is he walks into the home and he goes, "Immediately something is off." And the husband's saying all the right things and the wife is saying some of the right things and the kids are saying some of the right things, but there is an atmosphere of tension and control in the home, absent tenderness and care. And as we discovered later, many things were off in the home. We want a different type of atmosphere. We want the love of Christ, the way that Christ has loved us and treated us, to be reflected in our relationships and the atmosphere of our home.
36 · The pastor expounds the second element—discipline as training—using the metaphor of athletic coaching
And second, training. We are to train in— the image here is of an athlete. Bring them up in the discipline. That discipline word really is training. You're thinking like a coach.
You coach things, you model things. Imagine a coach at practice walking with somebody, learning to make layups, saying, "Yes, that way. Jump off that foot. Hold your hand up there. Yes, there, you've got it.
No, no, no, not that. There you go, right there." That is the, that's kind of the posture we're meant to have, this discipline, not in terms of even correction in specific in that word, but rather coaching, training.
37 · Application emphasizing the necessity of consistency in parental training
Now, consistency here is key. You cannot drop in and out of parenting any more than a coach can drop in and out of practices every once in a while and expect to win, right? Sometimes we have these moments as parents where we get to a game time where our kids, you know, are out in public, and they're not listening to you and you're like, "What's wrong with these children?" It's like, well, look at what the last week has been like in your home. Have you been helping them learn to listen, learn to obey, not touch things? Well, if you haven't done that, then probably when you go out, they're not going to do that either, right? That training, that coaching is what we're called to do. I heard one pastor say that, that wisely, I think, that fewer rules applied more consistently in our homes is often better than many rules applied inconsistently. Meaning there's got to be consistency, there's got to be training, there's got to be things we're working on with our children.
38 · The pastor expounds the third element—instruction—using the metaphor of teaching a child to use dangerous woodworking tools
And third, instruction. Now, this word actually has some overtones of correction, of admonition, of warning. So, the image that comes to my mind here is imagine a dad teaching his son to do woodworking, to use tools like a saw, right? So, you've got a table saw out and it's— and going up, and you don't— you As a dad, you're gonna talk real specifically to your son or daughter about how to use those tools. Like, okay, listen, are your glasses on?
Is this on? Have you checked this? Have you checked that? Whoa, nope, do not flick that switch on until you do this and this and this, okay? Okay, now let's turn it on.
Now we're gonna push the wood slowly, right? That is the kind of instruction, watch out, do it like this, not like that, that we're meant to give to our kids. You cannot parent without intentional instruction any more than you can hand woodworking tools to a kid and expect them to use them well. They need patient, intent parental instruction.
39 · The pastor specifies that the content of instruction must be 'of the Lord'—centered on Scripture and Christ's pattern rather than merely parental wisdom or ambitions
And then what's the content of that instruction? Instruction of the Lord, right? So it's not just our life tips, although your wisdom can be helpful, not just our hopes and fears and dreams, although some of that can be helpful. The content of the instruction is of the Lord. The Lord. Life is dangerous.
Read the book of Proverbs. There's many things to watch out for, but we are called to intentionally instruct our kids with the truth of the Word and the pattern of Christ.
40 · The pastor cites Harvard criminology research showing that firm but kind parenting produces the best outcomes, validating the biblical pattern
Now, let me just say this. This is 2,000-year-old wisdom that has been proved out in the world through research even. A recent study from a few years ago was a— I saw a study where a criminologist at Harvard studied the characteristics of male offenders in correctional facilities, like schools or jails or prisons, and compared them against non-delinquent men, okay? So they were trying to figure out what are the factors that determine whether somebody ends up in an institution or not? And you know what the most telling factor was? It wasn't their jobs, it wasn't where they lived, it wasn't many of a myriad of factors, it was actually their homes. The homes they grew up in. Those with offenses in general grew up with either over-strict behavior or erratic behavior, right?
Those without serious offenses grew up in firm but kind homes where research noticed that children had authority in their home that they grew up, they had rules growing up, but those rules and that authority was applied with kindness and consistency. And so Harvard, this criminologist published this, and to that researcher I just want to say, congratulations, you've discovered Ephesians chapter 6. Right? This is the way God's designed us.
41 · Direct, concrete application to parents with three diagnostic questions corresponding to the three elements of parenting instruction (nourishing, training, instruction)
So I want to encourage you this week as a parent, evaluate those things. Evaluate, are you nourishing and cherishing your kids? How is the atmosphere inside your home? Second, are you training your kids? Are you coaching them? And it kind of a walking with them as they work on things.
And third, is there intentional instruction? Is the Bible ever open? Do you ever get the kids' lesson out? Do you ever talk to them about the things of the Lord? Are there moments of intentional instruction with your kids?
And we wanna help you. So if you checked your kids into kids' ministry today, you got a handout that talks about how we partner with parents. Those are just a few ways that we can serve you and help you, and we would like to help.
42 · The conclusion returns to the opening illustration of needing an instruction manual, recounting the pastor's experience with his contractor grandfather
Well, let me summarize it at the end of the message this way. I am not good at fixing things in my home, right? But I have one small advantage over other people, which is this: when I was a kid, my granddad, who was a general contractor, would let me be the tool hander person, right? So he'd be going to work fixing some plumbing problem or electrical problem or sheetrock problem, and I would hand him the tools. You know? And he would be like, "Give me this thing." And he, like, "Give me a Phillips. Give me the crescent.
Give me—" And I'm like, "What's a crescent?" So I'm just handing him different wrenches. "I don't know what a crescent wrench is." "It's a crescent one." "Like, I don't know what that is." But that's— I was not a helpful tool guy. But there are many days that I wish, man, you know what I wish? I wish I had either gotten a notebook out and written some of the stuff down I did with my granddad, or I wish he had just written it down. And handed it to me before he passed on to glory.
I would have given anything for a book from my granddad that says, "Oh, that's a PEX line. You're going to need to use the crimping tool you get here." But, brothers and sisters, the good news is when it comes to parenting, when it comes to building our families, we do have such an instruction book. We have something from our Father that can give us a foundation for our homes, that can strengthen the roof of our homes, and that can help shape what we do inside our homes. It is simple. It is powerful.
It is profound.
43 · The pastor transitions to congregational prayer by establishing that family instruction is the responsibility of the entire church, not just parents
And what we're going to do today now is I invited John to come up and he's going to lead us in a prayer as our kids director for our kids. Because this isn't just for parents either. Remember that this command is given in the context of the whole church. So this, this letter would have been read in the church in Ephesus and there'd be people sitting there that think, well, I don't have any kids, but the text is for them as well.
Because we as a church also have an opportunity and a responsibility to support and encourage the kids in our midst and the parents in our midst, that they may look more and more like the pattern of Christ. Amen. So John's going to come up and lead us.
44 · John (children's director) offers a prayer covering parents, children, teenagers, and the whole congregation
I'm so encouraged.
With that word Ricky. As Ricky was talking, I was a band director for a long time and I taught beginning band in Texas. 6th grade is when we start beginning band. So my first couple of years I kept getting frustrated because the 6th grader, I was like, man, these kids just don't know what I'm like, what I'm talking about. I was getting frustrated and I found myself getting more and more frustrated.
Now, my dad has been teaching in New York where I'm from. He's been teaching beginning band, which starts in 4th grade, and he goes, John, it's because you haven't taught them. They don't know any better. They don't know what to know and what not to know. That's your job.
You get to be the person who introduces them to all the right things they need to get— need to do. And that flipped the switch for me when I was a band director. And I'm thinking it's— I'm bringing that back now because we're rolling through some things in our parenting of toddlers, of strong-willed toddlers. And I'm— the Lord is reminding me now, like, hey, John, you get to teach Piper and Tegan my truth and the things that I want you to be doing and the right things. And so, parents, my encouragement to you— I know I was supposed to encourage kids, but I want to encourage parents— hey, you get to teach and instruct your children.
Thank you for that, uh, that reminder, Ricky. And kids, Teenagers, preteens, anybody in here that is a kid. One, my encouragement is this: you're awesome. Two, listen to your parents, but also give them the benefit of the doubt. Some of your parents have like 19 kids and been doing it a long time, but they're still learning things.
Some of your parents, you're their only kid, and it's the first time, just like it's your first time being a kid, it's their first time being a parent too. So give them grace as well. We have this, this partnership guide in the back, and if you'd like it, if you're not a parent but you'd still like to see it, it's just some ways that we partner with parents through kids ministry, youth group, our weekly parent email. But there's a couple of just books that I want to give to you. The Jesus Storybook Bible or Theology or New City Catechism are great opportunities for discipleship.
So parents, check those out. Don't just take this paper and just like leave it. Go check them out. Go get the book and read it for a little bit. If you've been getting my parent emails, you're probably so tired of hearing Habits of the Household.
I cannot commend this book enough to you. It's such an encouragement and it helps us partner together. And then also there's a few Life Issues books. So if you have a teen, I cannot commend to you The Tech Wise Family enough. Teenagers, look at me in my face for a second.
These are the worst things on the planet. They are little boxes of sin at your fingertips. They can also be really good. They can be helpful tools. So you use technology, teens.
Don't let technology use you. Parents, help your kids learn to use technology, not be used by it. This is a great opportunity. And then for young kids, God made all of me, and God made boys and girls. Both of those are books that we are using as a family right now with our 3 and 5-year-old, and they are loving it and they are getting it.
So would you pray with me as we, uh, go to the Lord? Lord, thank you for this instruction. Thank you for this encouragement to parents. Help us as parents be encouraged that we get to instruct our kids. Lord, for those adults in the room who don't have kids, or maybe have kids that are— that have moved out of the house, Lord, help us encourage one another.
Seek to partner with the parents and the families in the church to see where they can be helped. Lord, I pray for our kids. Our kids are growing up in an age that is bombarded by the world telling them all the things they should be, in a world that's chasing after them with all the wrong things.
Lord, would You draw them to Yourself. Help them to stand firm in Your Word. Help them to find their identity in who You are and what You have done.
Not in what their friends say they should be or their teachers say they should be or their phones say they should be. Guard their minds. Against attacks from the enemy that seem to be easier and easier found.
Lord, I pray that as technology grows, that you would help us learn to use it well in the ways that you would intend it to be used and to guard against the ways that it could help us, or the ways that it could harm us.
Lord, would you give parents the ability to train up their children in the way they should go, and give kids grace to follow those commands. In Jesus' name, amen.
45 · The pastor frames the closing song as both worship and catechesis, encouraging parents to use congregational singing as a means of gospel instruction
Well, church, we're going to sing a song that says, what love could remember no wrongs we have done? Omniscient, all-knowing, he counts not their sum. So it's the We're seeing the picture of God's grace.
Parents, we need this reminder. Praise the Lord, his mercy is more. Our sins, they are many, his mercy is more. Now parents, this is a great way— if you don't know how to talk to your kids about the gospel, sing this song together all the time, because this is the thing that shows, that will help us memorize gospel truth. As we sing, kids, praise the Lord, his mercy is more.
Stronger than darkness, new every morning. Our sins, they are many, his mercy is more. Remember, that's the truth that we stand on. Turn to Christ today. If you're in Christ, that's your truth.
If you're not in Christ today, turn to Christ today.