All right. If you're new here, my name is Ricky. I'm one of the pastors at the church, and I would love to invite you to open your Bibles to 1 Corinthians chapter 7. 1 Corinthians 7, we are finishing a mini series on gender today. And then returning to Titus next week, we have covered in the last few weeks things like what it means to be a man, what it means to be a woman, what it means to be a husband, what it means to be a wife. And now we are going to end by looking at what does it mean to be single or unmarried in Christ?
It's important to realize when I say single in Christ, we often think, OK, the 28-year-old that's single and is going on dates, et cetera. No, no. This is just a category of anyone unmarried. So everybody from the 15-year-old who's like, I'll never get a girlfriend, to later in life where you find yourself perhaps with the loss of a spouse, or perhaps with hardship or difficulty in those moments. So very broad category today.
And Paul is going to speak a specific piece of counsel to those in that station because of a present crisis in the Corinthian church. And yet, despite it being a specific word for a specific moment, there are timeless principles in it for us all.
So I want you to get the full context of this, 1 Corinthians chapter 7, beginning in verse 25. This is God's word. Now concerning the betrothed, I have no command from the Lord. But I give my judgment as one who, by the Lord's mercy, is trustworthy. I think that in view of the present distress, it is good for a person to remain as he is. Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned. And if you're betrothed, the woman marries, she has not sinned. Those who marry will have worldly troubles. And I will spare you that. This is what I mean, brothers, that anointed time has grown very short. From now on, those who have wives live as though they had none. And those who mourn as though they were not mourning. And those who rejoice as though they were not rejoicing. Those who buy as though they had no goods. And those who deal with the world as though they had no dealings with it. For the present form of this world is passing away. I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife. His interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy, body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord. If anyone thinks he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong and it has to be, let him do as he wishes. Let them marry. It is no sin. But whoever is firmly established in his heart, being under no necessity, but having his desire under control and has determined this in his heart to keep her as his betrothed, he will do well. So then he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better. A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to one whom she wishes, only in the Lord. Yet in my view, she is happier if she remains as she is. And I think that I too have the spirit of God. This is God's word.
Lord, we pray for your blessing to be on the proclamation and the hearing of your word today in your house. Amen.
I have only, to my knowledge, cried once in an airport. Because airports are the last place you want to cry. Like if you cry in your car, it's fine. Nobody sees you. If you cry at your house, nobody sees you. If you cry in an airport, everyone sees you. And we've all seen someone, right? If you've been to an airport or big group, you're like, ooh, what's going on over there? Everybody's looking at you.
6 · Reveals the cause of the pastor's airport tears: fear of relational loss
And I remember a specific moment. I was looking out at the rain in Baltimore, looking at an airplane, listening to the old emo band Death Cab for Cutie, which if you're a certain generation, you know exactly what I'm talking about. And crying. And you might wonder what caused this existential crisis for me in my early 20s. Well, it wasn't unemployment. It wasn't a severe medical diagnosis. It wasn't a tragedy. It was simply that I thought my girlfriend, Jen, was about to break up with me. That is why I was crying in an airport.
7 · Narrates the relational gap between the pastor's intensity and Jen's measured caution, illustrating the emotional volatility of dating and the disproportionate weight he placed on her response
I'd flown all the way to DC to visit her. And the visit was-- it was OK. But one of the things that became very clear during that visit was I was here, and she was not up there. She was somewhere down further down. So there was a gap. And that gap, I thought, that's not good. That's not a great gap here. Now, on her side of the equation, after that trip, I asked her, what were you thinking after that? She said, well, it was a good visit. It's definitely worth exploring. I like the guy. Let's not get ahead of ourselves here, though. That was her judgment of the trip. Meanwhile, I'm having this existential crisis.
8 · Describes the emotional volatility that characterized the pastor's dating season, setting up the pastoral intervention that follows
And so I come back home, because we were dating long distance. I'll pass it to Baltimore, to DC. And she was not giving me all the signals I was hoping for. I was talking to my pastor, Tom, at the time. And Tom could tell I was just up and down week to week. I was like, she would say something, and I'd be like, yeah. And then I wouldn't get a text from her, and I'd be, uh, right. I was just going up and down.
9 · The hinge moment of the illustration: the pastor's challenge surfaces the central question of the sermon — can you be OK if God's plan differs from your desire? This question is both pastoral confrontation and theological reorientation
And finally, after lovingly sitting with me, he challenged me. Ricky, can you be OK if this doesn't go forward? And in fact, I knew embedded in that was the kind of assumption you should be OK. But can you be OK, Ricky, if God has another plan for your life?
10 · Resolves the narrative tension by revealing the happy outcome, but the resolution is deliberately delayed — the question's importance is not negated by the happy ending
Now, that question was something I wrestled with, worked through. And it was a really a defining question for me in that season of my life. Now, I won't keep you in suspense. I did end up married to Jen. Have three kids. It worked out. It was great. It's good times. One of my kids is selling baked goods, so please buy them. [LAUGHTER] Shameless plug. There we go. Yeah, shameless plug.
11 · Transitions from personal illustration to theological assertion: the question 'Can you be OK?' is not merely personal but universal, and 1 Corinthians 7 answers affirmatively
Can you be OK? Is a key question for Christians in every station of life, but especially today, I want to apply it to this issue of singleness or being unmarried. Can you be OK if you are a teenager longing for the day that you'll be with someone? Or if you're engaged and it seems like it's taking forever, or you're widowed, or you're divorced, or you're in some other difficult situation, long-term disability, health issues, et cetera, can you be OK? And the answer from verse Corinthians 7 is yes.
12 · Establishes the controlling theological framework for the entire sermon: Paul reframes Corinthian cultural assumptions through their identity 'in Christ
And the answer to that question is found in two words at the beginning of 1 Corinthians that shape the whole letter. You can be OK in Christ. 1 Corinthians begins with this statement, and it's written to the church of God that is in Corinth, to those sanctified in Christ. Meaning everything Paul writes to the Corinthians about, he is reframing from the way their culture sees themselves and the world around them, to their new position in Christ and how we're meant to live and act there.
13 · Previews the sermon's four-point structure and signals that the message, though addressed to singles, contains application for the entire congregation
So we're going to walk through four points today, written specifically to encourage those who are unmarried. But all of us have a role to play, and all of us have an application.
14 · Announces the first major point: God's grace enables believers to remain in their current station (unmarried, in this context)
So first, beloved, there is a grace to remain in Christ. There is a grace to remain.
15 · Provides historical-contextual background on 'the present distress' mentioned in the text, offering three plausible interpretations (persecution, famine, civil unrest)
Now, notice that this whole passage is shaped by what Paul calls the present distress. He says, in view of the present distress, so what does that mean? Well, it likely was one of three things. Number one, it could have been a wave of incoming dangerous persecution. There were several moments where, in several places, in Roman colonies in particular, in the early church, they would crack down on Christians, and it was dangerous and uncertain. Could have been the case. There could have also been a famine, a geographic hardship. People didn't have enough to eat. That's an issue. And there could have also been civil unrest or threat around them.
16 · Infers the severity of the crisis from the fact that engaged couples are asking whether to proceed with weddings — a decision that reveals existential uncertainty about the immediate future
So whatever reason, the Corinthians find themselves in a moment that is-- notice this-- it's severe enough that some of the engaged couples are writing to Paul or conveying to Paul a question of, should we proceed with the wedding? Should we delay? Should we just stay as we are? What should we do? So it's a severe moment, a severe crisis.
17 · Isolates Paul's core counsel: remain as you are
And Paul, notice this, offers a very basic but surprisingly profound piece of advice. I think that, in view of the present distress, it is good for a person to remain as he is.
18 · Draws out the theological implication: singleness is not merely tolerable but can be positively good
So notice this, Paul says it is OK, and it can even be good to be unmarried.
19 · Identifies the cultural idolatry that Paul's counsel confronts: the modern (and ancient Corinthian) obsession with perpetual romantic/sexual entanglement
Now, this is radically counter-cultural for us, because we live in an age much like the Corinthians, obsessed with romance and vibes and feelings and sexuality and everything in between, where it seems bizarre not to be dating someone, pursuing someone, hooking up with someone, thinking about someone, texting someone. You always have to have someone. That's our default today.
20 · Surfaces the reductionist anthropology underlying sexual idolatry (sexuality as mere biological drive requiring fulfillment) and offers the Bible's direct negation: 'No, you don't
In fact, some might even go so far as to say, well, the reason that's there is just we're just biological creatures. Sexuality has no purpose other than it's just to drive hunger and this and that. It has to be fulfilled. It's just a need. And so the force of it is, you just have to be with somebody. You just need to be with someone. It doesn't matter what. It doesn't matter if it's not ideal. You just need to be with someone. And here's what the Bible says. No, you don't. No, you don't.
21 · Offers the controlling theological reframe: romance and sexuality are gifts, not needs
There is a good grace to remain as you are. Romance and sexuality are not a need in life. They are a gift. And reframing it in a Christian way to be not a need, not a requirement, but rather a gift puts everything into perspective.
22 · Surfaces three difficult pastoral scenarios as imagined objections: lifelong singleness, disabled spouse, same-sex attraction
Because you may be going, well, wait a second. Are you saying that someone who's an older single may be faithful their whole life and still not be in a relationship? They die of virgin, unmarried, and their life is not a waste? Are you saying that? Or you might be saying, well, what if somebody has a spouse who is disabled long term, mentally, or physically? Are you saying that person has no hope of breaking that covenant and getting physical comfort for someone else? Or are you saying that maybe a predominantly same sex attracted person has no hope for romance or sex? Are you really saying what the Bible says? That romance and sexuality are meant to be exercised in a covenant marriage between a man and a woman. And that is the only place to exercise that gift of sexuality. How can you say that?
23 · Establishes Paul's ethos on the question of singleness: he writes as one who is himself unmarried and therefore speaks from lived experience, not theoretical distance
If you're saying that to me, I want to refer you to the apostle Paul. Because it may help for you to know that Paul, as he writes this, is single himself. So you're like, well, you don't understand. Paul's like, no, I get it. I get it. He experts all of these things.
24 · Marshals Philippians 4:11-13 as Paul's testimony to learned contentment in all circumstances — including singleness — through Christ's enabling strength
And yet, notice this. He writes in the letter to the Philippians this. He says, I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. This is Philippians 4. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance, and need. And here we could ask singleness, longing, divorce, losing a spouse. All of it, he says, I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
25 · Identifies the emotional pressure ('jitteriness, unsettledness') as a worldly imposition, contrasting it with the grace-enabled peace available in Christ
Friends, so much of the time, there's this jitteriness, this unsettledness that the world imposes on those who are unmarried or single that is not from the Lord. There is a grace to remain in Christ.
26 · Articulates the distinction between gift and god — the category error that produces idolatry
Look, the reality is this. Romance and sexuality are good gifts from God, but they make terrible gods themselves.
27 · Offers the analogy of fire: good in the right place (fire pit), destructive in the wrong place (living room)
I picture it like a fire. If you have-- well, on Friday, we got the fire pit out. We roasted marshmallows. We were looking up under the stars. And our fire in the fire pit is a great gift. It's great. It's a little warm. You don't want to get too close, but roasted marshmallows. It's great right there. You take that same fire and move it into our living room, not good. Not a good fire. Backyard fire, good fire. Inside fire, bad fire. Bedroom fire, bad fire.
28 · Extends the fire analogy to wildfire — illustrating how sexual sin not only harms the individual but spreads destructive consequences to others
The reality is this. We've also seen, sadly, even in New Mexico, the destructive effects in forests and places where if there is a fire where it shouldn't be, not only does it destroy the immediate area, it can catch and destroy so much around it, can't it? Now, fire is a good gift in the right place, but moved to the wrong place or the wrong time. It's a bad thing.
29 · Returns from analogy to direct assertion: God provides grace for believers to remain in their current station without sinning
So similarly, Paul is reframing and saying, you can't. God will give you grace. There is grace to remain where you are.
30 · Cites Song of Songs' refrain as biblical support for the principle that romantic/sexual desire can and should be restrained until the appropriate time
Song of Songs, which is the most erotic, sort of romantic book in the Bible, has a repeated refrain to not wake love before it's time. Meaning, notice this, it's saying, you can feed those feelings and those desires and those urges, or you can say, this is not the time. You have the choice.
31 · Extends the fire analogy to illustrate that life remains worth living even when a desired gift (fire/romance) is unavailable or inappropriate
It's almost like you can keep stacking tinder and flammable material, or you can go, this is not good. Like if you go to camping and you see like, okay, it's too dry, you can't do a fire. I don't know many people that are like, well, if I can't have a fire, what am I even doing out here? Well, look at the trees. You know, it's like, no, it's like, okay, well, right now is not the time for a fire. We'll still go, we'll still have a good time, we'll still walk. Right, nobody folding their hands, unbelievable. You may be like, oh, bomber, I was hoping to roast marshmallows, but you're okay.
32 · Direct application to teenagers: worldly pressure to be in a relationship is false and can be resisted
Similarly, the Lord says there is grace to remain. And let me just make a specific application to our teens. All right, those who are like, say 13 to whatever, that you're like, okay, in reality at 14, if you meet the love of your life, you're not gonna run away and get married. You don't have a job, you don't even have a car. You can't legally do anything. And so, right, if you're like, oh, but I just wanna, like, okay, friend, here's what I wanna say. The world around you is like, no, no, no, your value and your worth is whether somebody likes you and whether you're in a relationship. And I just wanna say, take that pressure off of yourself. There is grace to remain right where you are in Christ and be content until the Lord says this is the right time. So just take the pressure off of yourself. Take that, just stop listening to the world and listen to the Lord, listen to Paul and say there's grace to remain, friend. We know, I know you'd love for somebody to like you back someday. And by God's grace, probably that will be true at some point. But right now, don't build a fire in the living room, okay? So that's, that's the encouragement.
33 · Announces the second major point: the brevity of earthly life and the eternal duration of the age to come should recalibrate present behavior
All right, number one, that number two now is beloved, life is short, and eternity is long, so act accordingly in Christ. Act accordingly in Christ.
34 · Reads and highlights Paul's eschatological framing: the appointed time is short, and the present form of the world is passing away
Now, notice in verse 29 and verse 31 how he speaks about this. This is what I mean, brothers. The appointed time has grown very short. In verse 31, let those who deal with the world as though they had no dealings with it for the present form of this world is passing away.
35 · Interprets Paul's eschatological framing as a call to reframe present decisions in light of eternity, resisting the tyranny of immediate gratification
So Paul is basically saying, "Look, if you think it's just, it's impossible. "I've gotta, I've gotta do something "that makes me feel immediately good, "but it may not be good for eternity." Paul says, "No, no, no, you need to reframe "your life right now. "The time that you have on the earth "before eternity is very short." And all of this stuff, all of the stuff of the world around you, it is passing away. So reframe the way you think about your life right now.
36 · Introduces Proverbs 5 as a canonical parallel: a father instructing a son about lust, using the metaphor of a seductive woman
There's an example here in Proverbs 5 where in Proverbs, you have a father instructing a son, a young man who has all of the desires and urges of a young man. And the father warns him about feeding lust. And lust in Proverbs is pictured as a seductive woman. And notice not just the commands about lust, but notice what he does in reframing that moment.
37 · Reads Proverbs 5's warning, emphasizing the contrast between initial pleasure ('drip honey') and eventual destruction ('death,' 'sheol')
So Proverbs 5 says this, "The lips of a forbidden woman drip honey. "Her speech is smoother than oil, "but in the end she is as bitter as wormwood, "sharp as a two-edged sword. "Her feet," now listen to this, "her feet go down to death. "Her steps follow the path to sheol or the grave. "She does not ponder the path of life."
38 · Unpacks the rhetorical strategy of Proverbs 5: the father reframes the moment of temptation by forcing the son to look beyond immediate pleasure to eternal consequences
Notice what the father's doing. He's saying, "Listen son, I know right here, "right now there's a strong desire, "but I want to reframe this moment of temptation. "And I want you to look not just at the next five minutes "or even the next five months, but at the next 50 years, "at the next 500 years. "I want you to see the end to which that behavior leads. "It leads, what you're about to do son, "with lust has eternal consequences. "And there is a path that goes to death "and a path that goes to life. "Then he's pleading with his son, "think about the eternal implications "of what you're doing or not doing."
39 · Identifies the dual function of Paul's eschatological urgency: it warns away from sin and it propels toward kingdom work
Now, not only is it a warning, it also, notice this, is a real encouragement. He has an urgency about him, this man, the apostle Paul. One of the things that you get from his life is, he's willing to wait where God places him, but he is striving and straining as hard as he can to use his brief life for the glory of God and kingdom impact while he yet breathes.
40 · Explicates Paul's 'as though not' statements as a call to prevent earthly attachments (marriage, grief, joy, possessions) from eclipsing gospel mission
Which is why he says something like, let those who have wives live as though they had none, let those who mourn as though they were not mourning. Meaning, guys, okay, there's a time to mourn, but you can't just live there forever. You got work to do, we have gospel work to do. You may have a wife and that's good, but remember you have gospel work to do. Let those who rejoice as though they were not rejoicing. You can't just do endless parties. You got gospel work to do. Those who buy, don't get distracted by all the stuff around you, you have gospel work to do.
41 · Synthesizes the dual function of eschatological thinking: it deters sin and propels mission, recalibrating all present priorities
You see the two sides of this. If you think about eternity one, it warns you away from behavior that will ruin your life now and your eternity later, and it will push you toward activity that is of good now and eternal good forever. It recalculates everything.
42 · Offers the 'waiting room' analogy: singles can wrongly perceive singleness as a holding pattern before 'real life' (marriage) begins
And so I've heard, I've heard it described that sometimes it can feel like, when you're single and you long to be married, it almost can feel like you're just stuck in a waiting room. Like you're at the urgent care Memorial Day weekend where all the doctors' offices are closed. Everyone is at urgent care. Never gets sick Memorial Day weekend. And you're just waiting and waiting and you're number 87 and they go, number 42, number 42 and you're thinking, oh my goodness. And then they're like number 16, number 50. And you're like, what system is this? How do I, where am I in line? And you notice like, okay, this place closes at eight, it's 745, what's the plan here? And you're just feeling like, man, I'm just trying to, I'm trying to get out of the waiting room so that once I then get married or have kids or whatever, then my life starts, then I'm okay.
43 · Reframes the 'waiting room' metaphor: all believers are in a waiting room for eternity, not for marriage
And Paul is saying, no, no, no, that's completely the wrong picture. We are in a waiting room, but the waiting room is for eternity. And right here, right now, we have the opportunity to do good, to point people to Jesus, to make an eternal impact. So you better get busy, rather than just thinking, wow, I'm just waiting. No, the time is short, get out there and go to work.
44 · Direct application to singles: evaluate how you are using your time in light of eternity and the unique freedom singleness affords for kingdom work
That's Paul's encouragement to us all. So friends, what are the internal implications of what you're doing right now? Especially, I'll do this, if you're single or unmarried, I want you to think about your time. How are you using your time, if this really is a brief moment? And as Paul points out, if you do have actually more time in some ways, then some of the married couples around you, what might you do for the kingdom with that?
45 · Announces the third major point: undivided devotion to Christ as the goal for all believers, with particular relevance to singleness
That's the second point. The time is, the life is short and eternity is long. Third, beloved, live with undivided devotion for Christ. Live with undivided devotion for Christ.
46 · Prepares the congregation for Paul's unromantic treatment of marriage, signaling a shift from cultural sentimentality to biblical realism
Now, what I think, we're about to drop into, is what I think is the least romantic passage in the Bible. Right, people are like, oh, I just love rom-coms. They're like, no, Paul takes all that and he's like, listen, man, it is a lot of work over here in marriage. And listen to it, what he says.
47 · Explicates Paul's distinction between the unmarried man (anxious about the Lord) and the married man (anxious about spouse and Lord) — the married man's interests are necessarily divided
I want you to be free from anxieties. Now, that word anxiety, actually, perhaps the best translation of it, would be cares. Like cares or burdens, okay? I want you to be free from those cares and burdens. And remember, he's speaking at a moment of crisis, a moment where we're like, we don't know where we're gonna have enough food, we don't know if persecution's coming, we don't know what tomorrow's gonna bring. And he says, the unmarried man is anxious or caring about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. He just has one thing to think about. But the married man is anxious or caring about worldly things, not in a negative sense, but just in practical things. How to please his wife? What will she want? What will she do? And his interests are divided. He has to think about two things at once.
48 · Applies the same logic to women and emphasizes that in a crisis, the unmarried have freedom to make 'risky, gutsy calls for the kingdom' unavailable to the married
The unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord. She has one goal, how to be holy and body and spirit, but the married woman is anxious or caring about worldly or practical things, how to please her husband. And do you see what Paul's saying? He's saying, look, when you're married, you are supposed to be caring most about the Lord, but you also need to, your interests are split, you're trying to, especially notice this at a moment of crisis, right? We're just like, we don't know if we have enough food, we don't have persecutions coming. You're having to think about all that where the unmarried person is gloriously, and I think happily in Paul's case, free to be able to make risky, gutsy calls for the kingdom in a way that the married just, they can't do it.
49 · Illustrates the 'divided interests' of marriage with a concrete scenario: a married person cannot simply respond to a midnight crisis without coordinating with spouse and family
Now, I think that's important because when you are married, you cannot, if your friend calls you in the middle of the night and says, hey, I need help, you can't just get up and go. You gotta like wake your spouse up and go, hey, here's what's going on with Greg. I'm not sure, you know, you do not want your wife to wake up and you're just not there in the morning, right? You gotta have things, well, who's gonna take the kids to school now, honey? Like there are things you have to think about.
50 · Illustrates the constraint marriage places on radical kingdom risks (church planting in a closed country) — the single person can say yes immediately; the married person must deliberate
You can't take huge gospel risks, can you? You get like, man, we're doing a church planning team to a closed country like Iran, we're going in. You can't just be like, honey, we're going to Iran, baby. You gotta be like, okay, no, we need to have some conversations.
51 · Illustrates the financial freedom of singleness: the ability to give sacrificially without consulting a spouse or considering dependent children
But you can't just give a sacrificial gift in the same way when you're married and have kids or grandkids as you would when single. You have a freedom there.
52 · Clarifies Paul's position: he is not denigrating marriage but identifying singleness as potentially advantageous in a crisis for undivided gospel focus
And Paul is not saying, look, one is better than another. He's saying in a moment of crisis, it might on balance be even better to be completely focused on gospel work.
53 · Applies the 'undivided devotion' principle to singles considering marriage: the test is whether the relationship enables or hinders devotion to Christ
Now, here's what this means, both for singles and for unmarried people. If you're single, the test for marriage should be, your relationship should be run through this grid and you should ask, can I by marrying this person live a life of undivided devotion to Jesus? That's the key question of any Christian marriage. It's can I with this person live a life of undivided devotion to Jesus?
54 · Illustrates marital distraction from mission with a soccer analogy: two defenders chatting instead of playing defense
Meaning you're together, look, we had this problem when one of my kids was playing soccer, I won't say which one, where he was more interested in hanging out than the game, right? And so if you left him on the back line, he would just start talking to the other defender, right? And of course, like they're just there chatting it up and then the balls come in and we're like, get over the, you know, and they're just like, boop score and we're like, what are you doing? Right?
55 · Applies the soccer analogy to marriage and singles: married couples must guard against mutual distraction from mission, and singles must test potential spouses' devotion to Christ independent of the relationship
And yet I think that's what can happen sometimes in marriage where you end up having two people totally distracted from why we're on the field. Now, is it good to have a spouse on the field? You're working together, you're, you know, running in the same direction together. That's awesome, that's a gift. But Paul is saying, be careful because you're gonna have to watch that now. You need to live a life of undivided devotion to Jesus. So if you're single, that's the grid you run through. Does this person love Jesus more than me? Right? Would this person be following Jesus if I were not in the picture? Right? That's a real one, guys.
56 · Warns against the drift in dating where standards for a partner's faith are progressively lowered
You get interested and you're like, well, you know, and then all of a sudden the bar starts slipping a little bit to where like, do they love the Lord? And your answer can be like, well, they grew up Christian. Well, but did they love the Lord? Well, they grew up Christian, you know, or they have Christian values. Do they love the Lord? Well, they, you know, they believe we shouldn't lie or steal or, you know, that's good. And you're going, no, no, no, but Paul is saying, be careful, you wanna live a life of undivided devotion to Jesus and you wanna find somebody who does that with you.
57 · Applies the 'undivided devotion' principle to married couples: the danger is drifting into materialism and cultural conformity rather than pursuing Christ together
Now, if you're not single and if you're married, guys, this is a challenge for all of us as well. It can be a drift at time in marriage, away from devotion to the Lord, to simply drift over into the practical, worldly, regular things around us. And we start thinking like all the couples around us, so, well, I want a bigger TV, I want a bigger house, I want a bigger this, I want a bigger that, I wanna have this, I wanna have this vacation, rather than going, honey, over and over year after year, how do we live together a life of undivided devotion to Jesus?
58 · Offers an empirical-pastoral observation: marriages most focused on Christ tend to be the healthiest, inverting the assumption that devotion to Christ competes with marital flourishing
And here's the funny thing. The couples most focused on Jesus I have found tend to actually be the couples with the best marriages. It's the couples without that direction of following Jesus that end up having a hard time. So, beloved, live a life of undivided devotion to Jesus.
59 · Acknowledges the real difficulty singles face: finding a partner with undivided devotion to Christ is genuinely hard in the contemporary landscape
Now, I know that right here, there is a big question mark for a lot of my unmarried or single friends. Okay, great, I too would love to marry someone with undivided devotion to Jesus, where are they? Do you have them behind the stage? Are they in the little closet there? Can you bring them out? More than happy to consider those questions. Look, this is a challenge. And I think in many ways, it's a challenge greater today than a few decades ago. Because actually meeting somebody like that has grown challenging.
60 · Identifies structural impediments to Christian dating: dating apps prioritize appearance and superficial compatibility over spiritual depth and church involvement
Many desire marriage, but despite how connected the world is right now, it feels harder than ever sometimes to meet someone. And a bunch of factors make that the case. Number one, dating apps, well, dating apps are not evil or sinful, dating apps prioritize unbiblical categories upfront and deemphasize biblical categories. Meaning, what you get with a dating profile is not where they serve in church and the virtues they have cultivated. You get what they look like, their height, and I like long walks on the beach or whatever. You know, those things aren't necessarily bad, but that's none of the biblical stuff. And often it emphasizes, over-emphasizes unbiblical stuff.
61 · Acknowledges additional challenges: the worldliness of secular singles scenes and the limited pool of available Christian singles even within the church
In addition to that, the singles scene, you're just going out, so yeah, I don't know, like, I don't even know where people go now. But like, back in the day, it was bars, and it was clubs, and I guess it's like the fancy dog park that I saw on the west side, I don't know, where you just, you go, it often feels very worldly. And I would say this, I'm well aware as a pastor that just saying, well, just meet somebody at church is difficult at times, because if you've taken a hard look around as a single at the church, or this church or any church, the pool of available singles can at times feel painfully shallow. You know, you're like, nope, nope, definitely not. Right, you're going through in your mind.
62 · Transitions to practical counsel, disclaiming these as sub-canonical advice (from pastoral wisdom, not direct exegesis) and humorously deflecting responsibility to Chris
So what do you do? I want to offer four brief practical pieces of counsel that are not from the scripture, but hopefully applying scriptural principles. And I got several of these from my friend Chris, who is a pastor in Kansas City, and if you don't like this, then it's Chris's advice. And if you do like it, then I'm happy to help you.
63 · First counsel: Pray for God to expose and remove false beliefs absorbed from culture about self, marriage, dating, sexuality, and relationships
So number one, and this is really important, if you're a single, number one, ask God to remove all the lies. What I mean by that is we live in a sea of ungodly opinions, unhealthy attitudes, unrealistic expectations, undervalued virtues, and friends, here's the reality, this is the air we breathe. And you have taken in lies about yourself. You've taken in lies about what marriage is, about dating, about sex, about attraction, about relationships, that's the reality because you've been alive in 21st century America. And so the first step is saying, "Lord, help me to not see any of this "the way the world does." I don't want to see any of it that way, I want to see it your way. Ask God to remove the lies.
64 · Second counsel: Pray Psalm 139 daily, inviting God to search and grow you in preparation for marriage (or deeper discipleship)
Second, ask God to search you and grow you. You want to become a person worth marrying if the Lord has that for you. Chris recommends going to Psalm 139. Lord, search me and know me, try my heart. Go to the Lord and his prescription is actually pray Psalm 139 every day for a month. Just go, Lord, where might I need to grow? Where are my attitudes miscalibrated? Where am I, where would I not be a good wife or a good husband? Help me, Lord. And one of two things will happen in six months to a year. Number one, you will either become a better future husband or wife, or number two, you will become a better Christian. Neither of those is a loss.
65 · Third counsel: Pursue community wisdom in dating by being appropriately open with trusted friends who can offer perspective, encouragement, or warning
Number three, ask for help from others. Be open about your dating life with, doesn't have to mean like every single person at church knows your whole dating life, but there should be people you talk to about this so that you can together have the Lord's perspective on these issues, right? And people that you trust and respect and they may well be married friends, they may be other single friends, go to them, get counsel, let them help you say, hey, listen, I know you're psyched about this guy, but here's a flag, right? Or, hey, I know you're not super enthused about this guy, maybe give him one more shot, right? That you need that help, you need that sounding board.
66 · Fourth counsel: It's appropriate to ask trusted friends and family if they know anyone worth dating
And just throwing this out there, this is the most controversial piece of this. If you wanna meet somebody, it's okay to ask people, do you know anyone? Do you know anybody? I'm looking to meet somebody. Do you know anybody that's Christian, loves the Lord, et cetera, et cetera? And some people would go like, I would never trust my friends and family to set me up. Never. You're trusting a soulless algorithm to set you up. Okay? E-Harmony and Bumble don't care about you. They just want your money. These people actually probably do care about you. And you're not even paying them, right? So, they care about you and they're not getting paid. These people only care when they get paid. And so, just be like, hey, I'm looking, actually, there are more people than you think in this room that have gotten married because they went, hey, you guys know anybody? So, it's not a terrible idea.
67 · Defines 'situationship' humorously but critically: an ambiguous relational state where neither party has made their intentions clear
Number four, ask for help, number three was ask for help from others. Number four is just ask. Okay? Just ask. And here's my past oral concern here. There are way too many situationships in the Christian world. If you don't know what a situationship is, it is one of those like, yeah, so we went to the park and we kind of played frisbee, but like, I'm not sure if it was like, like exclusive 'cause then his sister was there and I was like, I don't know, like, is this? And then we did go for coffee, but then, like, but we saw somebody, so we didn't really sit alone. Like, so, I'm not sure. And then the person texts, hey, do you want to go see a movie? And I'm like, is this? And then I find out he's like brought two other people and I'm like, I don't know. That's a situationship, okay?
68 · Diagnoses the cause of situationships: male passivity and lack of clarity in initiating romantic interest
Here's what I want to say. Situationships should not be happening in the Christian world. And here's why. I think most situationships are there because men are not direct and clear. That's my honest pastoral two cents. Okay? Meaning like, 'cause here's what guys will do sometimes. They'll be like, hey, would you like to go out sometime? And the girl's like, oh, like, like, and he's like, oh, like to coffee or to, or to dinner or not to dinner. Or coffee, or we could keep it really casual, really casual, we just walk around the park. Just walk around. Do you like walking? Do you walk? I don't know. And so you're, the girl's wanting, is this like a fitness thing? Does he think I need to walk more? Like, what's happening?
69 · Prescribes clarity: men should be more direct than they think necessary, and women should feel free to ask for clarity if it's not forthcoming
And so guys just be like, hey, like, whatever clarity is, you know, however, this rule of thumb, however clear you think you're being, be more clear than that, okay? Would you like to go out sometime? Yes, it's a date. Like, I don't know. Let's see if there's anything there. And ladies, it's okay to ask for clarity. Let me just say that. Blanket. Is this anything? Is this a fitness thing? Just ask it. Is this a weird fitness thing?
70 · Synthesizes the four practical counsels and offers pastoral authorization for singles to initiate low-stakes coffee invitations within the church
And anybody, this is just my pastoral authorization. Anybody in the church can ask anybody else to coffee. If you are single and you're exploring, okay? So just ask it, no low pressure, ask them to coffee and see what goes. So those are my four, all right? So don't hate me. That's from Chris or me, depending on how you feel about it. Ask God to remove the lies. Ask God to search you and grow you. Ask for help from others and then just ask. Just ask.
71 · Announces the fourth and final major point: the believer's sufficiency in Christ
Number four, we'll end here. Beloved, you have more than you lack in Christ.
72 · Reads the closing verse of the passage (v
I want you to notice the last sentence of this long piece of pastoral counsel. Remember, they are in a Corinthian culture where people were all about affection and fleshly appetites and romance and all of these things. And there's a pressure you need to be with somebody. You should be getting married. What's going on? Who are you with? And Paul, you have to almost read this with a smile. 'Cause it's almost like they're forgetting Paul is single too. And his last statement is, here's all my counsel. And I think that I too have the spirit of God.
73 · Identifies the tendency to define singleness by lack and contrasts it with Paul's reframe: he possesses the Spirit of God, which is the supreme possession
I love that because often when you are single or unmarried, what you end up doing is in your own mind, and sometimes unhelpfully in the minds of others, you end up being defined by what you lack. But it's like I am not married. I am not a parent. I am not this. I do not have someone to go home to. There's a thing, they have it, I don't have it. There's a thing, they have it, I don't have that. And yet Paul at the end just throws in the most valuable thing a human being could ever possess, which is the very spirit and presence of God himself. And Paul says, I may not have that, but you know what I do have, the spirit of God himself.
74 · Alludes to the Acts 2 reading from the worship service earlier, connecting the visible signs of the Spirit (wind, fire) to OT theophanic symbolism
Look, John read during worship Acts chapter two, where the Holy Spirit comes in this visible, powerful, symbolic way. And there's a wind and there's a fire, and those are Old Testament symbols for the very presence of God.
75 · Draws on the Exodus narrative: Israel in the wilderness, defined by lack (harsh environment, fear, uncertainty), but possessing God's visible presence in the pillar of cloud and fire
Do you remember that season where they're wandering, the Israelites are wandering out into the wilderness. They're afraid, they don't know where they're going. They don't know, they're afraid of where they've been. They're in a harsh environment. And the Lord decides in that moment to give during the day this visible, nearby pillar of cloud. And then at night, a visible, nearby pillar of fire so that at any moment, any Israelite could look over and say, God is with us. I may be in a desert and I may have nothing, but I have the one thing that actually matters, which is God himself.
76 · Marshals Ephesians 2:13 to establish the ground of the believer's nearness to God: Christ's blood
Look friends, you have more than you lack. I want you to receive that. I want you to apprehend that today, that God himself, the creator of the universe wants to know you, desired a relationship with you. And he so desired that, that he sent Christ to the cross for you, so that Ephesians 2, 13 would say, but now in Christ Jesus, you who were once far off, have been brought near by the blood of Christ.
77 · Establishes the two-fold sufficiency in Christ: (1) present possession of the Spirit, and (2) the Spirit as guarantee of eternal fullness
And as a result of what Jesus has done, you have two of the greatest gifts you could ever have. Number one, if you are a Christian in Christ, you have the spirit of God today. Right now, you're not waiting for the greatest thing in your life to ever happen, you have it. Look, the greatest day of anyone's life is not a wedding day. It is the day they meet God himself, their maker and savior. The day you became a Christian is the highlight of your life. Even for those of us who were married, we're like, yup, that's true, right? The greatest day is not one you're waiting for, it is a day that you have experienced and can continue to experience. You have that, but then, oh friends, oh friends, you have not only that today, but you have the spirit as, the scripture says, the spirit as a guarantee, a deposit of the fullness of the presence of God that you will experience in eternity.
78 · Reads Revelation 21:1-5, the consummation of redemptive history — the wedding of the Lamb, the descent of the New Jerusalem, and the eternal dwelling of God with His people
Right, you have a ticket to the wedding to end all weddings in Revelation chapter 21. Revelation 21, I want you to hear this and take this in. At the end of time, when the Lord returns for his people, it says this, "Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more, and I saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven, prepared as a bride, adorned for her husband, and I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling pace of God is with man, he will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more. Neither shall there be mourning nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away, and he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new."
79 · Offers the 'trailer vs
Look, Christian, you have this. You have the spirit of God today as the presence of God with you. You're not waiting for the best that you'll experience in life. In Christ, you have it. And you have a guarantee, not of marriage. Look, friends, as good as marriage is, it is a, according to Ephesians 5, it is a trailer. For eternity. All of the beauty of romance and affection and all that stuff, Paul says in Ephesians 5, as Sal preached, it is a preview of the mystery of the unity between Christ and the church, meaning this, if you walk in late and miss the trailer, don't worry, you have a ticket for the movie.
80 · Extends the trailer analogy with a Star Wars illustration (humorous personal memory) to affirm that while the trailer (marriage) is good, it's not the ultimate thing — Jesus is
You're like, "I missed the trailer, okay, it's painful." I know, I remember when Star Wars came back, I sat through a movie, I didn't even want to see, just so I could see a trailer for Star Wars coming out. Right, I just like, it's like, "Oh, just the trailer is a beautiful thing." And yet the reality is, it's just a trailer. It's a beautiful, it's a good thing. We should be grateful for it if God's given us marriage and it's good. But it's not the thing. Jesus himself is the thing. The presence of God is the thing. That day where there'll be no more mourning or pain or crying anymore is the thing that we're waiting for.
81 · Returns to personal narrative: a medical crisis with Jen 18 months into marriage, forcing the pastor to ask the same question he faced as a single: 'Can I be okay if the Lord's plan is different than mine?'
So friends, be anchored, be anchored in those two points. And let me encourage you as we end. As I mentioned, that moment of crying in the airport, well, the Lord got me through it with Tom's help and Jen and I did end up getting married. But about a year and a half into our marriage, Jen, I got a call that Jen had collapsed and had been taken to the ER. And our friend who was a nurse was with her and he saw some things that concerned him to a pretty significant degree. The way she collapsed, what happened, he was like, "This is not good." We took her back down, we took her to the ER, we're getting her checked, they're alert for these things. So I'm driving in thinking, "Can I be okay if she's not okay?"
82 · Draws the application: 'Can I be okay?' is not a one-time question resolved by marriage but a lifelong question asked in every station, and the answer is always 'Yes, in Christ
And what I realized was this, I assumed that that moment of trust in the Lord, like, "Can I be okay if the Lord has a different plan?" I assumed, "Great, I got through that, now I'm married, now everything's fine." What I realized is this, "Can I be okay if the Lord has a different plan?" is a question we as Christians ask our whole lives. The reality is this, this is not a one-time thing. It is the thing we ask about singleness, about marriage, about medical problems, about grief, about loss. And when you ask the question, friend, "Can I be okay?" the glorious answer of the Bible is, "Yes, you can in Christ."
83 · Invites the congregation to stand for closing prayer and invokes Galatians 4 (the Spirit crying 'Abba, Father') as the basis for experiencing God's presence
And so I'm gonna have us stand today. And we're gonna pray and ask the Lord to meet us. Because you too, friend, if you are in Christ, have the spirit of God, and as we close, I'm gonna ask that according to Galatians 4, we'd be able to sense that.
84 · Closing prayer invoking Galatians 4, asking God to grant singles (and all believers) a fresh experience of His presence, and reiterating that marriage is a gift but not a god
So please pray with me. Lord, I specifically pray today over brothers and sisters who are currently single, perhaps who desire deeply to be married. Lord, I pray that they would experience the reality of Galatians 4 right now, where your word says, "Because you are sons, "or because you are sons and daughters, "God has sent the spirit of his son "into our hearts, crying, 'Abba, Father.'" Lord, your spirit is living and active in our hearts and among us. And so Lord, I pray that as we end, every single Christian, but particularly those who at this moment do not have the gift of an earthly Christian spouse, I pray that they would experience the presence of God. I pray that they would experience it right now, that this week would be one in which they lean in and experience afresh the presence of God. And may we all, whether we are married or single, look ahead and remember that marriage is a good gift, but it is not our God. And one day we will experience the fullness of God himself when you return to claim your bride. And so Lord, may we rest in that as we end. Amen.